If you’re reading this I’m going to assume that you either intend on feeling really shitty tomorrow morning, or you’re currently feeling like you belong outside with the trash. Well, I’m here to let you know that that’s okay.
I won’t judge you for throwing up in your Uber, or eating your poutine in less than 4 minutes. Mostly because I have been there, and I’m sure most Toronto girls have as well.
We’ve all woken up wondering why we are still alive, and why our false eyelash is attached to our elbow, right guys?! Either way here are 37 hungover thoughts you’ve probably had after a night out in Toronto.
1. My mouth is as dry as my humour, pls send help.
2. Why does my Uber receipt say that I got off on Adelaide? I was supposed to be on King St. all night.
3. Ah, because naturally I craved both poutine and burritos, that’s why.
4. Why is there still half a burrito in my purse? What kind of animal am I?
5. I think I will marry the bouncer at Wildflower.
6. He would be such a great father figure for our future children, and I would definitely get in without paying cover.
7. Today is the day I start my Greenhouse Juice Cleanse.
8. LMFAO jk does the Junked Food Co. do Uber Eats?
9. Being this hungover is the perfect excuse to go to Recess for brunch. YAS!
10. But realistically my squad is probably dead/still drunk and I would have to put on pants for that.
11. I will stay here in my bed, and be the true piece of garbage that I know I am.
12. Why do I have a Tequila Jack’s promotor card shoved in my pocket? Did I even go to Tequila Jack’s last night?
13. Ah nice. Another Snapchat story of me reciting Drake on a patio, very fun, very millennial.
14. Oh good, it’s a 143 second story of me being an idiot, veeeeeery nice. Great work.
15. Why the hell did I put #views under my own Instgram selfie. Really happy I also [email protected], I’m sure he really needed that shoutout.
16. I smell like a corpse.
17. I feel like a corpse.
18. I will throw up on myself if I attempt to shower.
19. I don’t deserve to feel this shitty. I am a giving and selfless person. I bought my friend a shot at Early Mercy last night AND took Uber pool home.
20. I deserve all the good karma in the world.
21. Haha no I don’t, I’m an asshole. An asshole that is still somewhat drunk.
22. I want Glory Hole donuts in the form of an IV.
23. OMG there is a hangover clinic in Toronto now, I am the perfect specimen.
24. But realistically I’m too poor for that shit.
25. Oh, I need to pay rent today. And because I live in Toronto that means I need to empty my bank account today. Nice!
26. I should move to the GTA, it would be so much cheaper!
27. Who am I kidding, I would still end up in Toronto every weekend.
28. My eyes are so puffy, I look like a goldfish. SOS.
29. I need coffee.
30. Wait no, I need a caesar. A really big fucking caesar.
31. I’ll drop that idea in the group chat “Who wants to be a functioning member of society and get a caesar with me at Harlem?”
32. Who the fuck just texted me “Hey chikita, very nice meeting you at EFS last night.”
33. Block number, goodbye cruel world.
34. I could go for a quick die right now.
35. I hate alcohol, and I’m never drinking again.
36. Sign me up for sober September.
37. OMG YAS. Someone is actually down for caesars. I will put pants on for this joyous occasion!
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