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A Guy's Honest Review Of "18 Real AF Thoughts All Guys Have Before Having Sex"

What do men think about before having sex? Not a whole lot to be honest.

READ ALSO: Having A Sugar Momma: 2 Vancouver Guys Answer All The Questions You've Always Wanted To Ask

We don't overthink because we're usually quite focused on the task at hand and being distracted by overthinking ruins the experience. With that being said, when I saw this article, 18 Real AF Thoughts All Guys Have Before Sex, I was immediately curious. (If you haven't read it already, please go ahead and do that first).

As I read through, I found that I couldn't relate to most of the points. I was confused and then I realized "No regular guy is sitting there, having all these no confidence thoughts with a naked woman in front of them."

So I had to write a review. For the guys out there that want to clear the air. For the guys who stand for justice. For the guys who know that "a good dick day or a good hair day" isn't a one or the other option. This one's for you, boys.

"1. "For the love of god, my balls better be shaved." 

Surprise sex is super hot - but can also be super stressful if you're not prepared. I wanna look and feel good down there, especially if my S/O is going head to head with my dick."

For the record, 95% of us don't shave our balls. Because when the hair grows back, it's like walking around with a cactus in your pants. As well, the concept of "look good and feel good down there" sounds more like how a girl would want to feel. We're just ready. Like any time. Look at your man right now and ask him if he's ready, I bet it's a hard yes.

"2. "Ok, when's the last time I had a shower?" 

Ok this morning. Ok great. There is probably no worse feeling than having a girl about to go down on you and freaking the fuck out about what the situation is down there."

Just... shower every day. Would you eat a banana off the floor? Obviously not. But since we all shower on the daily (I hope), then this shouldn't be a problem!

"3. "Omg, we're actually going to her place. Omg, we're actually going to have sex." 

Yes!!! YEsSSsS"

Don't get ahead of yourself, boys. Let's not create a mindset that we're going to get the cookie just because we're in the kitchen. If she decides to bring you over and also decides you're weird AF, please believe you'll be happily sleeping on the couch.

"4. "So happy I did those pushups last night" 

My arms are going to look sick."

WORKOUT 101: Pushups mostly work your chest, not your arms. Also, pushups work your triceps, not your biceps. So from the front, you're just going to look like a guy with a deflated (sore) chest. Guys definitely would not think this.

"5. "Last drink of the night because whiskey dick is a huge no."

I need to get laid and I don't need to have a soft dick around a hot girl"

Whisky dick is really just "I'm about to blackout" dick. We need to go to bed, and you never need to get laid.

"6. "Do I remember how to make-out? Is this an adequate amount of tongue? Yes? No? Okay maybe yes, cool."

I'm going to assume this is going well until it doesn't - a great plan."

If this is a thought, should you really be about to have sex? You might still need some more training before you step on the field if it is.

7. "Wow I'm getting really excited I need to pace myself. Calm down buddy. Grandma, hockey, nachos."

Don't think about your grandma during sex, that's just gross. Also, if it's good, you're both trying to go all night ;)

"8. "I don't know what to do with my hands. Is this one-the-hair, one-on-your-ass doing anything for you??"

I mean, I am having a great time but a little encouragement would be nice. "

You don't need encouragement, you need to chill. If this is a guy's thought, then he's going to need a whole cheer squad when he finally (if ever) puts it in.

"9. "Was that a good moan or a bad moan? Are you into this or getting hurt??" 

Fuck. Oh, wait, that was a good fuck? Okay sick."

Why would she be hurt before sex? Definitely not a move a guy would make with a girl he *seemingly* just met. Either way, bad foreplay = no play, so you'll know and learn quick.

"10. "What is this belt made of, pure chastity?? This buckle is HELL." 

Okay, I think I got it. JK there's another buckle on the other side and I am s w e a t i n g. "

The belt is a non issue. We wouldn't be worried even if there was a padlock on that shit. If it's coming off, we're happy either way.

"11. "I didn't think the top could be worse, but the top is worse. I'm just gunna pull and pray it doesn't rip." 

Fuck, was that silk? I have an old Budweiser tee you could wear? Lol??"

If we're assuming we're talking about a shirts, silk slides. it doesn't catch. Also, am I alone in thinking it's better to take it off slowly? No? I thought so.

"12. "Let's see how long it takes for me to take off this bra. If it clips in the front, I'm gunna be pissed." 

I don't have any front clasp training and will be embarrassed."

We are *never* pissed when we're about to see boobs. Never.

"13. "Wowowowow hot girl hot girl hot girl."

There is no one happier rn."

Wowowowow guys don't think like this, dogs do.

"14. "And now, let's see if w can get the panties off in one swoop -" 

No, nope, caught on your legs. Very smooth."

I don't know that any guy cares a whole lot if it they can come off in one swoop. I mean, if you do then cool, but if not... it's still cool.

"15. "How much fingering is the right amount of fingering? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Longer?" 

I'm just going to finger you to my favourite songs until I forget the lyrics. Cool? Cool."

To your favourite songs? For more than 10 minutes? Are you trying to wrinkle your fingers? Who does this?

"16. "Am I having a good dick day? How are we looking down there?" 

Usually it's either good dick-day or good hair-day, and my hair looks like shit today soOooOoo."

WHAT IN THE FUCK IS A GOOD DICK DAY?! So you mean to tell me the guy with flawless hair has a tangled hose in his pants? No, this does not exist. Every day is a good dick day!

"17. "I hope we keep the lights on, I wanna see everything." 

And the lights are off. Sick."

The lights being off isn't actually always a bad thing...

"18. "Alright condom time. Stay strong buddy, I'm counting on you." "

Stay Strong for:
☐ The condom?
☐ The sex?
☐ Disagreeing with this response?

If you ticked any of these boxes then perhaps you may want to do some late night independent research on how you can make everyday, a good dick day.

This article contains graphic content that might not be suitable for some readers.

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