Ahhh. The gym. The perfect example of the love/hate relationship, represented in a lifeless building. Sometimes you can't wait to open the door and fast-pace walk to the locker room, sometimes you moan for 17 seconds straight while thinking that in 30 minutes you're in the squat rack. Quite rarely, the training room displays some of the awkwardest yet twisted situations you may ever imagine and leaves you traumatized for the rest of your days as a mortal. Now, *gasp*, now is the time for me to share what I have seen with my own eyes.
1. "This machine is for pecs"
If I ask you this question: what is the machine at the gym that is the most useless you can find and has an incredibly more efficient alternative? The incline assisted chest press machine comes to my mind, go incline barbell press instead I beg you.
Well, to give this machine proper justice, I didn't do chest with it, I used it to do traps. At my gym, the handles have the perfect width and height, good angle to spare my wrists' soul, and you can put plates it is not a pulley.
Imagine this tall, old bear-gutted bearded dude come at my during my set, pointing his pectorals at me while looking me in the eye and whispering : "This. Is. For. PECS." I act like I didn't hear and he comes closer and throws : "Look at the pictograms on the machine. I only see pectorals." What in the actual, kettlebell man? I asked him gently if he needed the machine, but he didn't. His evil plan was to lecture me for 5 relentless minutes while hammering his chest with his index finger.
2. The close grip bench-press horror
I just finished my third set of rear deltoïds, feels good man. I look around the gym for my imminent destination, and then I see it. Worse than any Youtube gym horror video I've ever seen. Realest reality check since learning my parents were actually Santa.
This guy is doing triceps close grip presses and my eye makes contact with his arm at the same moment I see his triceps snap, an audible pop can be heard and the muscle rolls up towards his shoulder. He re-racks the weight, grunts mildly with his arm in his hand and heads for the lockers. I still haven't recovered from this and made plenty of nightmares.
3. I can see your plums
You rarely see food in the training area, but when you do it's mostly protein bars and fruits like bananas or oranges. That day I saw a plum, but sadly, not the actual fruit. This man in his 60's doing dumbbell rows is clearly not wearing underwear and unfortunately has the loose shorts combo. Full blown left testicle view hanging from his thigh, dangling and everything.
4. The Notebook scene
Jesus Christ guys. You're in a gym full of people and this isn't Instagram. I don't need seeing your girlfriend sitting on you doing pushups supersetted with her doing crunches with her legs around waist and you two kissing on each of her reps. Even The Notebook producers would have come to separate you guys for unnecessary romance.
5. Heating the bean bag
I still have no clue until this day why it's the older folks in the locker room that roam around naked with the highest confidence, stopping you and starting conversation with their hands on their hips, with their junk heavily exposed.
You may say that happens all the time, but I will always remember turning the corner and seeing this man blowdrying his ballsack with his foot up on the counter. I held my breath the entire time I passed by if you're asking. Do this kind of stuff happen in the girls' locker room too?
Comment your worst personal experiences below!
Feature image author: