19 Calgary Tinder Nightmares That Will Make You Glad You’re Single This Valentine’s Day
"I'd like to stick my churro in your oreo."
Valentine's Day... the day of love that no one will stop talking about the second it hits February. All the lovely people in relationships are waking up to flowers and long texts while some of us are waking up to a half-charged phone and a notification to "Update iCloud Storage"... super romantic.
While you may get the urge to open up Tinder and see if you can score a last-minute Valentine's Day dinner date with someone who just might be as desperate as you are... don't. I promise you, it's totally not worth it. Tinder can be a super scary place - especially when searching for "the one [to take you out to dinner]" - because sometimes they want desserts and uh... well you're not offering.
Being single is the best on Valentine's Day. Think about it, you don't have to buy anyone a Valentine's Day Gift, you don't have to worry about receiving a shitty Valentine's Day gift, and you only have to order enough food to feed one! And all this can be done without having to look remotely presentable. Let's not forget those half-priced chocolates on the 15th.
However, if that didn't convince you and your thumb is still hovering over the Tinder app, maybe a few of these dating horror stories will. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Note: All the names in this article have been changed to protect identities!
Played by Marcus
"I met a guy on tinder a while back - we both lived on opposite sides of the city but we really liked each other and wanted to meet up. Around the same time, my best friend was in the same situation. We thought it'd be cute to plan our dates on the same day, meet up after and talk about them. Me and [Bob] spent days planning what we wanted to do and eventually we decided to take a walk down 17th Ave since it was in the middle and grab some ice cream at Made By Marcus since I mentioned it was my favorite ice cream shop. He told me he didn't have a car or drive so I offered to pick him up (even though he lived so far away). I got there a little early and decided to just wait before ringing the doorbell. Minutes later, a blue truck almost slams into me while pulling up into his driveway. He hops out of the driver's seat and out of the passenger's seat hops out my best friend. The worst part? He took her to Made by Marcus."
“I work with high school students, and I forget to hide my tinder profile one time while I’m at work. One student came up to me and loudly screamed ‘BUT WHY WON’T YOU SWIPE RIGHT’. Cringe.”
The Calgary Tower
"I met a guy on Tinder last week. We exchanged all of four messages. The first was him telling me his name was [Henry] and mentioning our names started with the same letter (I don't know why this was relevant). The second asking if he could try to convince me of why I should date him in one message. I thought it'd be entertaining, so I said sure. His message was: "I have a **** as tall as the Calgary Tower and as wide as The Bow." Yep, I deleted the app after that."
"Calgary's "Balloon Man" messaged me on tinder and asked if I wanted to come to his house and hang out so he could show me his invention. Then later (after he was arrested) asked if I'd ever been with a guy who had a mug shot."
“His Tinder bio was ‘Skate fast, eat ass’. Needless to say, with that level of romance and sensitivity, I swiped left.”
Still Kinda Unsure
"I used Tinder, like, every day in the summer. I was just looking to have fun and was swiping right on everyone. I talked to a bunch of people but didn't really remember them half the time. One night I was at Common with my buddies, two girls came up to me and asked if I was [Trevor] I said yeah, who's asking? and the looked at each other and poured their Vodka Crans on my white shoes. I think I may have been talking to two girls who knew each other. I'm still kinda unsure, though."
"I accidentally super liked my Physics teacher."
Huge Hockey Fan
"I met this girl on Tinder who said she was a huge hockey fan which immediately turned me on because hockey is life. I asked her what team she liked and told her if she was wrong, we can't talk anymore (I sent her a flame emoji as a hint). She replied with Eskimos. I was kind of confused considering the Eskimos are a football team. Safe to say, she was wrong and we didn't talk anymore."
Definitely not a tree-hugger
"I only went on one Tinder date. He took me to the forest-like area surrounding Calgary at the edge of 69th street. During the da told me he wanted to burn the forest down. I hid and waited three hours until he finally left."
“He had a dog in his tinder profile, and it was one of the main talking points in our conversations. I agreed to go on a date with him, but when we went back to his place after dinner there was no dog in sight. He stole all the photo’s off of an Instagram account! You can lie to me about whatever you want, but don’t fool me into believing you have a cute dog!”
"One time during Calgary Stampede a few years ago, I matched with this guy who immediately messaged me asking if we could do it in one of the bathrooms on the grounds. There are so many obvious things wrong with that, but also the fact that he expected me to pay $17.00 to enter the Stampede grounds to do that..."
Not Ideal First Date Behaviour
“I met a relatively nice looking guy over Tinder a couple months back. I hadn’t been dating for a while so I was really excited. We were in the car driving to the restaurant, and he asked me to Google map directions. When I opened up his phone, the very first thing was a fetish porn site. I looked at him and he winked at me. Bold move, but not ideal first date behaviour."
My Little Brony
"I used Tinder for the first time earlier last year. I matched with a nice looking guy named [William] and so I said hello. He replied at the speed of light saying, "Let's cut right to the chase. I have a family dinner coming up and they think I have a girlfriend that I see three nights a week. They asked me to bring her and I will pay you to pretend to be my girlfriend for four hours." I was stunned, but the guy seemed nice and lived in the NW which was close to me, so I thought I'd help him out. I asked him what he's been doing 3 nights a week thinking he was a serial killer. He replied, "Going over to my buddy's house and binge watching My Little Pony." ...Nice."
No Dogs Allowed
"I have a severe allergy to dog saliva, it gives me these awful, painful rashes. I matched a guy on Tinder who asked me on a date to his house but had a dog. Not just any dog but one of those dogs who's tongue is constantly out, wet, and dripping. I asked if we could meet somewhere else due to my dog allergy and he agreed. So, we decided on Prince's Island Park. I get there before him and sit on a bench. As soon as he arrives, I hear running behind me. I turn around and there he is, with his dog...off leash. Before I had time to react, his dog was licking me. We spent the rest of that date in the ER."
"His opening line was: 'Can I borrow $20?'"
"I got my first super like ever on Tinder and I was so excited. The guy was no Prince Charming but he wasn't too bad to look at. I swiped right and began talking to him. We found out we both went to WCHS, but it was summer at the time so we never actually met. We talked for a full m0nth before he asked, "So, who is the girl to your right in your second picture? Does she go to our school?" I told him she was my friend [Sadie] and she does go to our school and asked him why. He responds, "Well, I super liked you because I think she's really hot and was hoping you could give her my number?" I unmatched him pretty quick. Wasted a whole month of my summer."
"I had this guy message me and then five minutes into the get-to-know-you conversation say, "Oh so, when are you coming for a cuddle?" and when I told him "well, that's too forward, I don't know you" he tells me, "Well, why go through the awkward forced, coffee date and I'd be spending my money, when we could just meet up at my house and get it over with?"...like what?! Gross. I wasn't even looking for that sort of relationship. That concluded my adventures."
"So I met this guy on Tinder and we were planning to go to the Calgary Stampede together (I know, typical.) He was Hispanic, I'm half-white, half-black. I wanted to go to Stampede because they were selling Oreo Churros and I really wanted to try one. When I mentioned it to him, he instantly responded, "I'd like to stick my churro in your oreo." We never went to Stampede and I will never look at Oreo Churros the same."
[Not-So] Nice Rack
"This guy messaged me on Tinder asking me to meet him at Marquee. I didn't know him so I kindly declined. In a pathetic attempt to persuade me, he said, "Please, I can't go without seeing that perfect rack of yours." I replied, "LOL, classy. With that mouth, you won't be seeing anything of mine." He responded, "I was kidding. Your rack isn't that nice anyway. It's like a sales rack. Not even full price." Then unmatched me, leaving me very confused.
Co-written by: Delainey Lockett