I Spent Most Of My 20's Dating The Wrong People And This Is What I Learned
It might be time to give up the chase.
I just read an article entitled "Emma Stone Says She Is Still In Love With Her Ex" and it got me thinking... What is it about dating people who aren't meant for us that can be so intoxicating?
Insecurities within relationships are something I think all women experience from time to time, but what I've recently come to realize is that much of the insecurity I felt throughout my 20's was a product of dating the absolute wrong people.
I'm like most women in that, I love a good chase. I have always felt a magnetic chemistry with people who can't give all of themselves to me in a relationship. Those edgy, mysterious, addicting, closed-off humans that intrigue the shit out of you and keep you coming back for more-- even when it gets to the point that it stops feeling good.
I definitely realized in the past little while, that for some reason I was continuously dating people who were emotionally unavailable, in an attempt to win some sort of challenge with myself. If I could get people like this to open up and create a healthy committed relationship with me, then I would win.
What I didn't realize was, that by dating these types of people, I was constantly chipping away at my self-esteem instead of using those pivotal years to build myself up. I was wondering why I was falling short, why I couldn't make a relationship work with that person, even wondered why I got cheated on, failing to realize all the while, that much of it actually had nothing to do with me.
Recently, I started hanging out with someone completely opposite to my usual commitment-phobe type. She is emotionally open, extremely communicative, and generous with her time. Here's the kicker, it completely freaked me out at first!
I was so used to someone being closed off and partially unavailable that it became safe to me and I almost forgot what it was I really wanted, even when it was right in front of me.
I decided to ignore the instinct to run in the other direction and enjoy this different type of attraction. An attraction that felt easy and fun and light and not filled with insecurity and anxiety. It didn't take me long to realize that this is what dating is supposed to feel like.
You're not supposed to feel the need to Nancy Drew through someone's life to figure out if they want to be with you or not. You're supposed to enjoy the company of someone who enjoys yours in return, who validates you without question and makes you a happier person.
All in all, what I have realized by dating in my 20's (and dating as a millennial), is that it's so easy to want to be with people who simply are not meant for us. The chase is fun and exhilarating but eventually, you run out of stamina. Letting go of the need to tie down a fvckboy (or girl) who constantly makes you second guess yourself, is something that takes time, but is essential in creating a peaceful, happy relationship.