I'd say I'm a pretty positive person. But fvck it. 2017 is the year of new possibilities. I can do this. I can write a list about all of Vancouver's problems. I mean sure we have the mountains AND the ocean but there must be things that aren't great about the best coast.
Okay, yes. If I really want to think about it Vancouver has some issues. From transit to the weather and everything in between including where the fvck is Ryan Reynolds?!?
So if you're having city problems I don't feel bad for you son, I've got 99 problems of my own.
1. The weather.
3. Specifically the 99.
5. Slow walkers.
7. So many tourists.
8. Too many food options.
9. Being just too far from Portland.
10. It's too expensive to live.
11. You'll never be able to afford a house.
12. Or even an apartment.
13. You hate when other people rag on the Canucks.
14. But you know your team sucks.
15. No one knows how to dress.
16. You're basically forced to do yoga or you'll get shunned.
17. No one will ever let you forget about the riot in 2011.
18. People don't know how to drive.
19. The liquor stores close too early.
20. BCL has no cold beer section.
21. Buying organic is way too expensive.
22. The city doesn't know how to handle snow.
23. You know we won't be prepared for "The Big One".
24. Too many people are vegan.
25. Ryan Reynolds is never in town.
26. Kits beach is always too full.
27. And there's never any room to skim board at Jericho.
28. You are torn between which protest to go to.
29. Cactus Club Coal Harbour always has a waitlist.
30. Cabs are the worst.
31. And there is no Uber.
32. You're forced to date either a bro or a hipster.
33. There are too many coffee shops.
34. It costs $50 to go up Grouse Mountain.
35. And another $40 to rent a snowboard.
36. You might die on your hike.
37. Because all the safe hikes are filled with TOURISTS.
38. There's always a fight about which brewery to go to.
39. A piece of you died when the Canucks fired Alain Vigneault.
40. And when Luongo got traded.
41. How you can't get anywhere during The Sun Run.
42. And how registration is so fvckin' expensive now.
43. You always lose service on the skytrain.
44. When Lululemon runs out of Apres Yoga jackets in your size.
45. So many movies are filmed here and yet you still haven't met Leonardo DiCaprio.
46. Trying to walk in heels in Gastown.
47. Cover at bars downtown is an actual crime.
48. And drinks inside make you wish you owned a wine bra.
49. There's always construction.
50. Trump Tower exists.
51. Compass cards.
52. How your bus fare is not transferrable to the seabus or skytrain.
53. There are too many sushi places.
54. There aren't enough bike lanes.
55. It's always too cold to swim in the ocean.
56. Strollers on the 99.
57. Dude Chilling Park.
58. Drink prices at Rogers Arena.
59. Securing a parking spot.
60. How the Richmond Oval doesn't have a car share drop off from Downtown.
61. Everyone is a 'food blogger'.
62. Everyone is also a 'photographer'.
63. Keeping up with the juicing lifestyle is just too expensive.
64. Baristas are too slow.
65. The aquabus is a rip off.
66. The meat at Granville island is overpriced.
67. Pushing past protesters just to go to see a show at the VAG.
68. The 2pm to 5pm sushi restaurant shut down.
69. The Donnelly Group popping up everywhere.
70. How the skytrain stops running before the bars close.
71. And how the seabus stops an hour before that.
72. Being too broke to get a tattoo.
73. You only get 3 decent months of summer.
74. And the rest of the time it's raining.
75. Or apparently snowing??
76. How every conversation to kill time is about the weather.
77. Nothing is "walking distance."
78. Having to hide your 33 acres beers at John Rogers Park in the summer.
79. The ferry cost is outrageous.
80. Whistler isn't close enough.
81. Real talk: fentanyl is an actual problem.
82. We are too chill.
83. Until we're not.
84. There aren't enough distilleries.
85. Our bagels are shit.
86. Our only good pizza is vegan.
87. The city is too small.
88. Everyone knows everyone.
89. You miss the Vancouver Grizzlies.
90. People who brag about knowing Swollen Members.
91. People who still talk about the Olympics.
92. People who feel the need to point out every Vancouver scene in movies.
93. How the viaduct is going to close.
94. How it's closing so we can build more condos.
95. People who ski in jeans.
96. Backpacks on the bus.
98. None of Lululemon outlets stores have enough black pants.
99. You're so far away from New York.
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