What Seinfeld Would Look Like If It Took Place In Ottawa
?My baby takes the O-Train?
Seinfeld is everything as much as it's nothing. If you were like me, your after school routine in high school involved getting a granola bar out of the pantry and watching Seinfeld re-runs until 5pm. No group of characters like Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer understood the agitations of daily life better than they did. They're not good people per se, but we love them.
What would the show about nothing look like if it wasn't in New York City? What if, by some fate, the show was filmed in Canada's capital?
Who would be the Soup Nazi? Which diner would they eat at? Would Kramer actually have a job? Let me tell you:
1. Monk's Cafe = Elgin Street Diner
It has a similar neon light sign like Monk's. The gang would still obviously always sit in the first booth nearest to the window. Also, Elgin Street's large house salad is pretty much the equivalent of the big salad.
2. Jerry would be a stand-up comedian at Yuk-Yuk's on Elgin.
Only a "minor" celebrity in Ottawa, though. His apartment would be on Albert/Bay.
3. Newman would be a Canada Post mailman.
Who's a fellow tenant in Jerry and Kramer's Centretown apartment building. Even in Ottawa he still refuses to work in the rain and ZIP codes are still meaningless.
4. David Puddy would be a die-hard Sens fan.
"Well you can't walk around like that." But, hey, you gotta support your team. High five.
5. Elaine would have a mannequin look-alike at the Bay on Rideau Street.
She would also work as an editor for the Sears catalogue (which she would later be fired from for hating The English Patient). She's a die-hard Leafs fan who will refuse to remove her hat at Sens games at the CTC. She's not originally from Ottawa, but was born and raised in the GTA.
5. George would temporarily work for the Ottawa Senators.
After doing the opposite of everything he usually does and verbally berating Eugene Melnyk, he lands a gig as an Assistant to the Travelling Secretary. When he eats his Timbits with a knife and fork during meetings he inspires the rest of the staff to do the same. During the Summer of George, he moves back with his parents in Orleans. He also thought that one time he bought John Voight's car from Jim Keay Ford Lincoln.
6. Kramer would act out illnesses at Ottawa U's medical school.
His most notable role would be "gonorrhoea." Still, even in Ottawa, nobody knows exactly what Kramer does for a living. Affording an apartment at Albert/Bay in the same building as Jerry is pricy, but he saves money stealing the groceries Jerry buys from Metro on Rideau Street.
7. The Soup Nazi would be the Garlic King.
"Good afternoon. One large beef wrap to go." *Shuffles to the left* Don't put your hands on the counter or you'll be pushing your luck.
8. Kramer would attempt to sue Bridgehead after spilling coffee on himself.
"We gonna run some tests on that top." On his way to Cineplex Lansdowne, he bought a cafe latte (half milk, half coffee). He tried to sneak his coffee in under his shirt since they wouldn't let him bring his coffee into the theatre and it somehow spilled all over him.
9. Kramer would swim in the Ottawa River.
"What's that smell?" It's the Ottawa River. Giddy up!
10. Kramer has been on strike from Kettleman's Bagel for 12 years.
Instead of H&H Bagels, Kramer has been silently protesting Kettleman's for over a decade. He goes back to work after the strike's over, but goes back on strike when the owner doesn't let him take a holiday for Festivus.
11. Jerry and Kramer would drop a Junior Mint into a patient at the General.
"Something from above" would save that patient's life.
12. Jerry would meet Keith Hernandez at the Bank Street YMCA.
And would break off a date with Jerry for a dinner date with Elaine at Lone Star in the Byward Market.