[This article is for satirical purposes only]
Although the TTC maybe functional, fancy it is not. From the dingy tunnels, to the rough driving, nothing about the Toronto subway says high life. It's dark and always dirty with many questionable characters roaming around.
Point blank, the TTC just isn't your cup of tea. You prefer the finer things in life, the expensive, more luxurious things. Hence why Toronto's transit isn't for you. Read on for the 10 reasons why the TTC is just not for everyone:
1. There's always a handful of sketchy people staring at you.
If someone is going to rob you of your designer bag and at least half of your worldly possessions, DO IT NOW. Or else look away.
2. No one ever gives up their seat to you during rush hour.
How rude? Who do these people think they are? Obviously you're a big deal and shouldn't have to deal with this shit.
3. On that note, the people who take up an extra seat for their backpack.
Put that ratty old thing on the floor where it belongs and let royalty sit down.
4. People always spill their coffee on the floor and it rushes toward you like hot lava.
These shoes weren't purchased off the $5 flip flop wall at Old Navy. They are way to expensive and cute to be ruined by your Keurig home brewed joe.
5. The smell...
All those different foods people bring on with the mix of warm body odour isn't your style.
6. It's packed tighter than a pair of leather pants.
If you wanted to be this close with other humans you'd... wait, you don't want to be, so back up.
7. Waiting 15 minutes for a train.
Nobody of your status has this kind of free time.
8. The desire to remove one's shoes.
Why are you this person? Who made you this way? When would this ever be acceptable? Removing your shoes on public transit makes you the worst person ever.
9. The fact that you need small change to get on.
If you can pick up enough coins on the sidewalk to use it, it's not for you. You have the trusty Amex and loyal MasterCard for all your needs.
10. Weekend Closures.
You are not the kind of person who likes being told where you can and cannot go during the weekend. Just call an Uber and leave the TTC behind.