10 Reasons Why Toronto Nightclubs Are The Worst
Turn Down For What?
Photo cred - 680 News
From a general perspective, nightclubs are only cool if you're still chasing a B.A. and live close to one that believes in cheap drunks. Unfortunately with Toronto, there's no such thing as Phil's Grandsons. The 6 severely lacks a party-first, hole in the wall and it's why most of its establishments cater/attract broken heels and Axe body spray, thus making the "club experience" a total waste of time. Haters are going to hate, but if you're up to the challenge, just try arguing with this ten legitimate statements.
Cover Is More Than Minimum Wage
Your friends will protest cover "isn't that bad", but it's Toronto, not Barrie. The dollar signs that usually come up are astronomical and in most cases, they could easily pay your phone bill, help you acquire new textbooks, and even accumulate to a respectable down payment on a house.
Everyone Looks The Same
Subtle gray t-shirt? Check. $200 peacoat? Check. Slicked back hair? Check. On some nights, the club district can look like an extremely masochistic take on "Attack Of The Clones" - especially if bros are doing group duckface selfies - and while women aren't that stereotypical, it's rather hard to find "the one that got away". Unless you've got your beer goggles on, of course.
Promoters Are Terrible Human Beings
There's a part of us that wants to believe there are genuine promoters out there, but it's a feeling that doesn't last long thanks to the savages in Toronto. If they're not trying to recruit you into being a Facebook nagging socialite, they're flirting with your new fling or yelling at a barback for no apparent reason. They obviously try to be decent humans, but everyone knows it's a little too late for that.
Photo cred - Uniun
The Ratios Are Horrifying
Hot Tip: Never visit a club that could give U Of T's male/female ratio a run for its money. Some venues have a way of controlling their demographics so it doesn't top 75/25, but with Toronto being Toronto, you sometimes can't help but feel like you're walking into a V-Necks R Us convention. It's a loss-loss situation for both guys and gals, and a win-win for London and Waterloo.
"Club Culture" Is Still A Thing
Nightclubs loves girls who just want to have fun. It's why you'll often find yourself waiting in line for eternity itself and it's also why bouncers will quietly kick out random guys for looking "sketch", "thirsty", "primal", or flat out "unapproachable". It's not a universal practice, but it'll happen when the polos are out and the scene starts looking like Ultra Bro Fest 2015.
Drinks Are Overpriced And Watered Down
Whether you're at Cube, Muzik, Tryst, or the Guvernment, drinks are super expensive. It's why it's so easy to spend your new pay cheque in two hours and even if you've done some A+ pre-gaming, shots will be the death of you. One can only hope Toronto will have the guts to open its own Phils.
Nothing Is What It Seems
Let's be honest: nightclubs are a total front. They look cool on television and in movies but in reality, they're full of fake smiles and even faker people that are pretending to fit in by "poppin' bottles" and getting turnt to Lil Jon. The only winner in this situation is Lil Jon because he's making that 'doe.
There's Drama, Drama Everywhere
The world would be a better place if nightlife had a ban on meltdowns, cry seshes, public break-ups, and nasty falls. This could be applied to any city but Toronto is pretty much high school on steroids and that's why The 6 couldn't even launch its own Jersey Shore spin-off (RIP Lake Shore).
Photo cred - City Never Sleeps
The DJs Could Be Better
Unless you're a former Much VJ or affiliated with "40" or DJ Mustard, there's no reason you should be playing Snow's "Informer" and leading it into a Diplo track. No one wants to hear your innovative "New Skool Trap Mix" that took 14 hours to put together. Play "6 God" or get out.
Are They Really Worth It?
Nightclubs were cool when you were 19 and thought it was Spring Break "errday", but is it worth it when you're 22 and only looking forward to late night poutine from Smoke's? Some days Netflix and deep dish are a better option because for one, you're spending less and no one can judge you for doing invisible pull-ups on the couch (that cheese though).