Photo cred - Justin Friesen
Where would society be now without drunk guys? Especially Toronto drunk guys. They are loud, they are unapologetic (only when they're drunk), they're aggressive, hell some of them even cry. We've met them before and we will meet them again. They buy us drinks, they start fights with us, they eat ungodly amounts of pizza, they are drunk guys.
The Yes Man
Ask this guy to do anything and you can probably guess the answer. In sober life, he’s just your average joe, fairly easy going, doesn’t like to cause a fuss. In drunk life, he is the yes man and consequently the most fun. Any idea is a good idea and this guy is going first. Clip to, him and his friends heading over to the CN tower to edge walk after a day of sunday funday drinking. Sadly everyone fails the breathalyzer. We see then see yes man outside scaling the building! Yes!!
Give this guy a drink and suddenly it’s as if everyone around him has personally insulted him and he must set the universe right again by berating everyone and everything in his path. Even sentences like “here is your change sir” can set this drunk guy off. He must assert his dominance at all costs, nothing else matters. This drunk guy can be found often at the Mcdonalds on the corner of spadina & queen starting fights at 4am and occasionally playing the bongos on a fat guys stomach after beating him up.
The Mammal Tosser
Similar to the finance fuck (see this article) this man clads a clean polished suit by day and turns into a raging alcoholic by night. The tie loosens (hopefully exposing some tasteful chest hair), the dirty gin martini’s come out, and this once frat boy turned business man is ready to rage. Give him a tiny mammal (aka a slender female) to toss around fireman style with one of his carbon copy buddies. This drunk guy can be found at the SOHO, any given bar in the entertainment district, and of course Cityplace.
Photo cred - kradhe
Boarder Line Narcoleptic Drunk
This is the guy who could fall asleep anywhere and usually does 1 out of the 3 times you go out with him. This drunk man could sleep anywhere, as in, right in front of a speaker at a rave that is vibrating the couch he is sleeping on. He always has a strong open, shots line the bar and he is game to pound tequila with you, he is raging, talking to girls etc etc. But somewhere there is a sharp turn and this man
This is the drunk guy who needs to GTFO. You are too old buddy. Times are changing, you can’t handle your alcohol like you used to, you’re scaring all the young girls, with your a) appearance and b) lack of inhibition and judgement. Pairs well with the Narcoleptic guy, if the night runs smoothly these two leave early together.
Not to be confused with the aggressor, this drunk man is usually much smaller in size and has some serious vendetta against humanity. Cough cough his insecurities. The loss of his inhibitions and his new found confidence create so much friction, that a fire may actually spark. Steer clear. The asshole has a habit of starting fights with the tallest guy at the bar, though he himself is a whopping 5’3.
I'd Rather Be High
This guy is the lightweight of the group. Give him half a mickey and he is silly drunk just like all his girlfriends. In a perfect world, this guy would just be high all the time. He doesn't really like drinking much, what with his sensitive stomach, the hangover, and the fact it makes him so out of control. He drinks because of social norms and the fact he is friends with the yes man and consequently forced to.
The Drink Spiller
This is the sloppy guy. He has an amazing ability to get at least half of what he's drinking all over everyone at the bar. The spiller is a cousin of the close-talker/spiter, and sometimes may fall into this category as well. The thing is, these guys are oblivious. They are oblivious to the fact they just spilled half their beer on you (if they do acknowledge it, their attention is caught for about 3 seconds before he is distracted by something else), they are oblivious to the fact they are talking way to close to your face, and you know what? They really don't care. The spiller is having a great fucking time, he juss dun give a fvck.
Too Drunk Too Wheel
He started his night with one priority "wheeling bitches" but alcohol had another plan...This guy is a zombie, walking around the bar with his eyes half closed and his mouth hanging open. The moment of realization that he should leave the bar has yet to hit. In his mind, he still has a chance. If this guy was a girl he would have mascara running all down his face, but not even that would faze him. At this stage of the game there is no telling where this guy is going to end up. Ideally his friends would put a leash on him and let him walk in circles until he finally passes out.
Photo cred - desimonewayland
This guy is an idiot most of the time, so when it comes to drunk life, he is the biggest idiot. His behaviour sober could pass as drunken behaviour so when this idiot gets drunk, it's kind of like next level stupidity. And of course, this is the guy who is always yelling. He has one mode, party mode, and he's pretty devout. He loves loud music (it's perfect for him to yell over), taking his shirt off so he seems more enthusiastic about anything thats happening, and wearing "funky" aka tacky sunglasses that have been found or given out by someone at the party.