Ah yes, another morning of vodka breath, blistered feet, and 4 unknown missed calls. Very nice.
You can bet this will be followed by a hungover brunch with your friends where they bring you up to speed on how many shots you took, how many times you fell, and how many randoms you gave your number to. Also very nice.
The remainder of your day will consist of you trying to figure out where you lost your left earring, who the hell is referring to you as "Chickita" via text, and why you have 3 different bar stamps all over your arm. Very, very nice.
If you're tired of cringing at your snapchat stories from the night prior, or constantly getting secondhand embarrassment from your drunk self, then its time to follow these 11 tips.
1. Say goodbye to your Visa card
Ah yes, your trusty partner in crime. Sadly, the Visa will have to stay home for your future nights out. This will be a huge adjustment, especially when you're in the mood to make it rain with 3 dollar tequila shots, but sober you will thank you in the morning.
2. Put your phone on airplane mode after 12 AM
Save yourself the embarrassment of the "Heeeeeey what aRE u doin, pleas cum over hahah lol lmao ;)" text, and turn your phone on airplane mode once you hit the bottom of the wine bottle. This will save you from your worst enemy, yourself.
*Do not take this tip if you are stranded and alone at the club.
3. If you can't walk in heels, stop wearing heels
Yes, they make you butt look better and your waist look smaller. But honestly girl, there is nothing cute about you falling into a puddle of vodka when you're trying to drop it low. Stick to flats if you can't master your heals.
4. Please remind yourself that you cannot afford an Uber Black
I know your drunk alter ego is a fvcking millionaire, but I'm here to remind you that you already spent half your paycheque on new Nikes. And realistically, you won't remember the Uber ride anyways, so there is no need for the GMC.
5. There is no need to be a people pleaser
Your phone number is not a public hotline for every person who thinks you're remotely attractive. There's no need to give your Pizza Pizza cashier your number, even if it's for a free dipping sauce. PSA: you can say no to giving people your number!
6. Show up to the club after the photographers go home
We all love a photo op after 5 vodka sodas. But do we need a photo op after 5 vodka sodas? The answer is no. The cute "smize" thing your attempting did not work out, and your pose of choice made your ankle look disfigured. Try showing up to the club a little later after the venue photographers have put away their cameras, you'll thank yourself the next morning.
7. Set an alarm for last call
This will help you avoid the terrifying moment when the lights are turned on, and the fluorescence reveals that your fake eyelashes are hanging on by a thread. Nobody needs to see this version of you.
8. Always bring a plastic bag in your purse
Whether you're a puke-and-rally type of person, or puke-and-die type of person, you should always have a plastic bag shoved in your purse. This will take up very little space, and save you the $200 clean up fee when you or your friend vomits all over your Uber.
9. Bring a portable charger
Portable chargers save lives. Whether you've lost all your friends, or urgently need to update your Snapchat story, a portable charger will save you.
10. Pour yourself a glass of water in advance
Before you start your pre-game, pour yourself a glass of water and leave it on your bedside table. You will thank yourself the following morning when you're mouth feels like someone rubbed kitty litter and tequila all over it.
11. Never leave your concealer behind
Always throw your concealer in your purse before heading out. You never know when you'll be waking up in a bed that isn't yours. You'll feel 100% better/less like you got hit by a truck after you conceal the mountain you like to call a pimple.
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