Photo cred - Brady Baker
Lately, the world will not shut up about Ebola. If you haven't heard about the deadly epidemic and are currently reading this with the letters WTF plastered across your face then you probably deserve to get it for being so clueless and out of touch with current affairs. Knowledge is power Toronto and if you have an understanding about the outbreak then you can make decisions about when, where, and how to build a bubble to live in!
There are many, we mean many, theories about Ebola and whether we actually need to have our panties as in a bunch as they currently are. Some arguments say you can only contract it by coming into bodily contact with someone who has it, while others are all "like, well actually, you live on the same continent as someone with it therefore you probably got it yesterday."
Since it is all anyone can talk about, we took control of the situation and thought out Toronto's plan of attack should an outbreak of Ebola overcome our city. Ebola, Schmeeeebola, Toronto is now equipped with a plan!
Photo cred - Torontonian, Toronto snaps
Toronto Centre Island
If Ebola strikes the city of Toronto we need to all think quickly and get onto a ferry bound for Centre Island. We've heard rumours that Ebola can't swim, plus with such a large number of boats and ferries for us all to hide on it will take her forever to find a single Torontonian to start the infection process. Not to mention, Toronto Island has tons of potential to be the next great city on an island, think Island of Montreal status, only you know, a little smaller.
If it takes intelligent, successful and well-established business people and students years to master the underground PATH then chances are some new virus on the block cannot figure it out. Plus, the PATH is massiiiiiiive, if you really think about just how far and wide it reaches across the city there is plenty of room for the city to hide.
Sorry, what is a Pickering? We're totally kidding but Ebola will definitely have no clue what or where Pickering is. We'll be safe there for a long, long, very loooooong time. Plus, we've heard rumours that Pickering is actually a pretty well established city with like grocery stores and targets and stuff so we can still live a somewhat normal life, just, you know, in Pickering.....
Any Toronto University Campus
If there is one thing you can count on in this city it is that any university campus, at any given time of day/month/year is plagued with sick students. Students are experts at being sick, we can ace five midterms in one day while hopped up on flu medicine, all while bleeding from the eyes. Ebola doesn't stand an effing chance, especially if everyone comes together within the powerful, sickness defeating confines of a university campus.
The Toronto Reference Library
Very much like a maze made out of books and encyclopedias and ... Oops sorry, fell asleep there for a second. Ebola will take one look at the confusing floor plan and catch a sniff of books older than Canada itself and be like 'Oh Hell Naw, I did not sign up for this.' Or, if all else fails, we can all band together and research a cure?
The Forgotten Subway Stations of the TTC
While most of us are aware of Lower Bay Station and Lower Queen Station there are also rumors that there is a Lower Osgoode station, ouuuuu, ahhhhh. The TTC owes every Torontonian huge so if there is an Ebola breakout they have no choice but to let us in on the secret and give us a place to crash. Plus, there's no way a virus who is busy with plaguing the whole world and such has the time to put up with subway delays, she's got places to be, people to infect.
The Toronto Power Generating Station
Actually located in Niagara Falls, The Toronto Power Generating Station has been abandoned since 1974. Since it's pretty massive and, you know, empty, I don't think we should have any problem getting some vacancies. It may be fun to redecorate the place all together as a new, post-Ebola, Torontonian society and even elect a brand new mayor.
The CN Tower
Duhhhh, it's high up.
Former Bank of Toronto
205 Yonge street used to a be a four-storey Bank of Toronto that was actually in charge of protecting historic sites before it became a historic site itself. It's pretty massive at 17,423 square feet so we could fit a decent amount of uninfected Torontonians inside. The building went up in 1905 and in 1975 became protected by the Ontario Heritage Act. As of right now, it is apparently being refurbished on the inside but it remains closed to the public and overall abandoned. Should Ebola find its way to Toronto it's a great place for us to hide out, or shove the infected in.
The iconic building closes on November 6th and is currently pending a sale to a commercial retailer (so much sadness) but after November 6th the El Mocambo will be abandoned for a little bit. Should Ebola breakout across our beautiful city then we can all take shelter in the confines of our beloved historic El Mocambo and bask in the glory of where so many incredible great things have happened.
Rural Ontario is stacked with abandoned farmhouses, churches and schools. This abundance of abandoned stuff is a result of people moving from isolated butt-fuck nowhere to the big city. If Ebola hits us up we need to collectively revert back to isolated butt-fuck nowhere and set up shop amongst the stretches and stretches of sad, lonely, run down homes withboarded up windows, barricaded doors and deserted mansions (I shotty one of the mansions!) that look like they're straight out of horror movies.
St Lawrence Market
St Lawrence market is huge and is stacked with food. It's large enough to host a fair number of uninfected Torontonians and feed them for at least a couple of days with pure deliciousness. For the remainder of the city, those who cannot fit, it will suck though because they won't be able to buy their delicious fresh food and, you know, they might get ebola and stuff.
High park is Toronto's largest public park so it's a no brainer that we can fit a ton of Torontonians inside. The next step would be for us, as a strong united city, to build a strong effing united fence along the whole outskirts of the park to keep those infected out. High Park is pretty so the scenery would keep those inside busy for a while but eventually it would get very cold which could be a problem. So let's play would you rather: would you rather freeze to death or die from Ebola? Yikes/dark.
Soho House is so exclusive, Ebola can't even get in. Who does this bitch think she is? You can't even look in the general direction of the Soho House if you aren't a member, making it the perfect place for all of Toronto to hide out (and maybe, just once, get inside.)