In today's hook up culture, it can seem like all of the focus is on sex. But between dodging fvck boys and getting a hot Tinder profile, who has time to come up with exciting and new ways to spice things up in the bedroom?
Luckily, we have the wonderful world of women's and men's magazines to help guide us through these trying times. Rather than stick to what comes naturally, why not follow the advice of writers who I'm pretty sure have never had sex, and make things in the bedroom a little more adventurous? From donuts and ice cream as props to candle wax and forks as weapons, here are 16 insane and terrifying sex tips (that were actually written seriously).
1. "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles." (Cosmo)
2. "Grab a glazed donut. Gently stick his penis through the whole then nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while. The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension." (Cosmo)
3. "Think of his shaft... like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves." (Cosmo)
4. "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off." (Cosmo)
5. "Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it — the muted sensation feels amazeballs." (Cosmo)
6. "Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess." (Cosmo)
7. "Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."
8. "When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need. When he's good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" (Cosmo)
9. "Press a fork firmly (but don't break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body - his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs." (Cosmo)
10. "Sprinkle a little pepper right under his nose before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects." (Cosmo)
11. "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'" (Cosmo)
12. "Casually scatter marbles all over the bed sheet, for a wicked cool sensation." (Cosmo)
13. "It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them-squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab onto it like you're milking a cow." (Cosmo)
14. "Make a Bedroom Burrito. While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms." (Men's Health)
15."Quiz him- what's your favourite flower, movie, etc., and if he gets it right, he's earned 10 seconds of oral. Wrong, and you drizzle candle wax (use a massage candle, which won't burn) on his chest." (Cosmo)
16. "Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws." (Men's Health)
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