Photo cred - Chris Barker
We can deny it all we want but lying is a part of our daily lives. The first thing we do in the morning is lie to ourselves 'You can do it, you can get out of bed the first time your alarm rings' we say before hitting 'Snooze' 17 consecutive times.
White lies are harmless, trivial and we often tell them to avoid hurting someones feelings but we also use them when we're lazy, trying to avoid public shame, attempting to buy ourselves a little more time or just trying to avoid someone all together. Quite frankly, lying makes the world a better place. Imagine if we could only ever say the truth? Shit would hit the fan.
Apparently, men lie more than women (and by apparently we mean that we are assuming) because they never want to tell their girlfriend that they look awful in the new dress they just bought mostly to avoid being slapped across the face. Women are also guilty though, "No, I totally gave you back that lipstick ages ago, you don't remember?" However, Torontonians take it to a whooole nothaaaa level because, in the words of good ol' Sweet Brown, Ain't Nobody got time for that. Here are some of our most common daily fibs.
1. "Sorry I'm late, Subway delay"
Since the TTC sucks so hard and is always late we totally use it as an excuse for sleeping through our alarm, oops.
2. "I'm really proud of the leafs"
No we aren't, we may be their number one fan and super loyal to the death but we are not proud of them.
3. "I'm fine"
Way easier than going into detail about the pigeons that attacked us on our way to class or trying to explain why choosing appropriate underwear to wear with our outfit today was such a struggle.
4. "No, I've never tried Tinder"
Yes, we have. Everyone in this damn city and their mother is or has been on tinder.
5. "I don't like Rob Ford"
We don't want him to be mayor but we still think he's a great effing time and conversation piece.
6. "I care about Toronto politics"
No, we don't. We only care that a member of the Ford family was not elected. #ByeFelicia
7. "I'm going to be a bit late, traffic on the Gardiner is a nightmare"
We're actually in line at the Tim Hortons drive-thru.
8. "I hate street meat"
We just don't want to know what it's actually made of.
9. "I am never drinking again"
10. "I'm on my way"
We have not even remotely thought about leaving our bed yet.
11. "I don't have any change"
Sorry homeless man we cannot fund your drug habit today, we only have debit. But actually, we just need to save for our own drug habit.
12. "I got it at a thrift shop"
We actually paid 100$ for it at Top Shop.
13. "Oh, I can't tonight I have a lot of stuff to do"
By "stuff" we mean carbo loading and netflix watching.
14. "I'm not spending money on food anymore"
As if we have time to do groceries and pack a lunch the night before.
15. "Sorry my phone was dead"
We actually just really don't have anything to contribute to this conversation or your question was stupid.
16. "I'll just meet you there"
We are most definitely not coming
17. "I'm a good driver"
We can get away with this one because chances are we'll never have to prove it.
18. "We should totally get together some time, I'll definitely message you on Facebook"
No, we won't. There's a reason we haven't hung out with you in forever.
19. "I have no idea who he/she is"
Except for all the hours we've spent stalking them on social media.
20. "Oh my god yeah, I love that band!"
We've actually never heard of this *insert local/underground/hipster band/artist here* but we fear public shaming if we admit how busy we've been listening to the new T.Swift album.
21. "Starting tomorrow I'm going to go to hot yoga every morning"
And we're also only going to eat green for a whole month. Kidding, pass me a Burrito.
22. "I didn't even realize you were talking to me, I had my headphones in"
Actually, our phone died 30 minutes ago we were just really hoping that headphones in would send a clear 'don't talk to me' message.
23. "A friend of mine is totally tight with *insert Toronto based celebrity here*"
Toronto is a big, popular, busy city and you are no one unless you know someone who knows someone.
24. "That makes sense"
It totally doesn't but we just need you to stop talking asap.
25. "Oh my gosh! Hey! I totally didn't even see you!"
Oh we saw you, kind of hard not too when you're waving at us like a moron from three blocks away. Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact, Shit!