Renting an apartment has to be one of the most disenchanting experiences associated with city living. In Toronto especially, where yearly parking is equivalent to a down payment on a house and closet space is reserved for those who present the necessary sacrificial lamb, the process of finding an apartment is one of equal parts mild frustration and overwhelming anger.
Sure downtown living is great and convenient, but it shouldn’t have you contemplating picking up a side gig of stripping to get that south-facing patio you’ve always dreamed of. Here is in internal monologue of a Toronto resident as they set about trying to find affordable housing in the city:
1. The time has come for no more roommates. I’m an adult and adults don’t share shampoo with 3 other people. Solo living here I come.
2. Look at this gorgeous bustling metropolis I live in. So many up and coming neighbourhoods, so many condo developments.
3. Who needs a real estate agent when you have Craigslist and realtor.ca? I can easily do this on my own.
4. I’m a people’s person, so let’s start on Craigslist. Cut out the middle man. Searching for a one-bedroom condo in downtown for $1200.
5. Basement, basement, shared housing, basement.
6. Is that person just advertising the top bunk of their bed for $800 a month?!
7. Could I live in a basement? It’s not THAT bad… cool in the summers. And I could use all that money I’d be saving to buy Vitamin D supplements and a new personality after I lose mine from living underground for a year.
8. Okay, so no basements. Maybe if I just increase my budget by $200. $1400 should get me a sweeeeettt pad right in the heart of downtown.
9. Ok, so $1400 gets you a 480 sq ft studio. Well that’s… cozy. Maybe the layout makes it seem more spacious than I think. I should take a look at it.
10. The nice thing about this apartment is that the kitchen and bedroom are so close together I can make eggs AND lie in bed at the same time. What a time saver!
11. Oh wait, here’s a nice spot. $1000 one bedroom in Parkdale. It’s an older building but hey, vintage is in! Let’s take a gander.
12. Maybe the guy living next door offering me crack isn’t such a bad thing. I mean, he did offer it at a discount. That’s… neighbourly?
13. I should extend my search area
14. Midtown is the new downtown after all right? I think I read that on a poster once.
15. Annddddd with the same prices as downtown.
16. How about the East end. Living East is so hip these days, and I love exploring new neighbourhoods.
17. Lesson of the day: If there is a Dark Horse coffee shop within a 15-block radius of where you want to live, rent is going to be over $1600 a month.
18. The Junction is still pretty affordable. Getting to work will just be a quick walk, bus ride, 10-stop subway commute, 20-minute streetcar ride away. Good thing the TTC is a reliable, hassle free way to travel…
19. You know, just for shits and giggles, let’s see what I could get if I didn’t have a budget. I’ll raise my maximum to $2500 a month. I mean that must get you a whole house rental right?
20. $2200 for a one-bedroom plus den? Does King and Bathurst have a budding pirate industry I don’t know of? Are there chests filled with PURE GOLD hidden beneath these condo towers?!
21. At $2200, that must include parking, and hydro, and Internet and cable, and a three-course dinner buffet and personal masseuse.
22. NOPE. Just rent.
23. Literally only couples could possibly begin to afford that kind of rent. What Toronto, do you have something against single people?!
24. It’s not enough that I have to worry about dying alone, I have to do it while lighting giant piles of money on fire every month?
25. How can I be expected to find someone to live with if I have to take him back to my 500 sq. ft. basement hovel?
26. “Oh hey good looking, want to join me for a little roll in the hay with a side of potential flooding and never being able to stand completely upright?” How sexy and enticing!
27. I should probably make sure I find a spot that allows animals, since it’s just going to be me and my nine cats hanging out, watching Netflix forever.
28. Should I just skip this adulthood thing and find a roommate? Let’s check out shared housing on Craigslist.
29. HOLY FREAKSHOW. I mean sure I want to save $200 a month in rent, but I’m not sure I could have someone play with my bellybutton for 10 minutes a day to do it.
30. I wonder if that guy advertising his top bunk has found a tenant yet?