People arriving at Bestival last weekend got a nasty shock when they realised they weren't allowed take in their own food or alcohol. Electric Island and WayHome have also said that no alcohol will be allowed in the main arenas. Apparently it's in the public interest to avoid bottle smashing, overindulgence and illegal merchants, but we know what the real reason is: They want to sell $10 beers inside and if you have no alcohol you've got no choice but to pony up.
Well, friends, today is the day we stand up and fight against unfair business practices. That's right, these lessons are in the public interest. Here are the best ways to sneak your alcohol past security and assert your rights. Hidden whiskey also tastes better, that's just a fact.
1. Crouching Tiger Hidden Naggin
The most fundamental alcohol smuggling technique. A 'naggin' in certain circles is a 250ml bottle of vodka. Small enough to duct tape to the inner thigh, under the armpit or in a roll of belly fat. Low risk, high success rate. Conceal in private parts for greater efficiency.
2. Novelty Alcohol Concealers
Sometimes it's in your best interest to turn to a professional. There are websites that sell binoculars, fake books, and overlarge hair brushes with hidden compartments that'll keep you from having to hit the $14 festival-licensed Bacardi.
3. Hidden in Tampax Box
Generally I think security are wise to this one, but they're only going to check so many tampax boxes before they just give things a quick screen. Arrive late and have your vodka well wrapped up, and they'll not be too keen to go digging around.
Photo cred - Brendan Gates
4. Sunscreen Switcheroo
This technique is hard to swallow. You're allowed sunscreen into festivals for very valid reasons, so it's only natural to take advantage of that fact. Please, please, please just make sure you thoroughly wash out the bottle.
5. Inject it into Sealed Water Bottle
Torontonians love water beyond its basic human utility. My God they've got a thing for water. Use a needle and syringe to drain a water bottle so the seal remains unbroken, then reinject the bottle with a clear liquid of your choice. Security don't want to spend their time ripping the tops off water bottles to check.
6. Drone Air Lift
The Air Lift worked in Berlin. Different context, same principle. This requires an accomplice and some significant cash investment in drones, but it will work. What's between you and that bottle of Captain Morgan? A wall? How high is a wall? Not high enough to stop a drone.
7. IV/Colostomy Bag
A favourite of nurses and other healthcare professionals. It feels squishy and natural on the body or in a bag. Less likely to get picked up in the pat down.
8. Bury it On Site Beforehand, Dig Up Later
This technique originated in Ireland. Dublin students would bury alcohol in unmarked graves hours or days before a festival site set up, then disinter it upon entry. For a larger festival you will need pretty accurate coordinates and plenty of landmarks. And bury it deep. People will dig it up themselves if they suspect.