Photo cred - Wei-Feng Xue
Tourists are the absolute worst. Okay, maybe not the worst, but they're up there. Regardless, they're an annoying clique that gets under everyone's skin thanks to a lack of boundaries and a sense of direction. They're essentially harmless people in reality, but if they're not staring at you or touching you, they're taking extremely obnoxious selfies that would put sweet sixteens to shame. Toronto's full of them and while we do apologize, here are 10 variations you can find on Yonge St. and beyond.
The Super Friendly Types
One would think they'd blend in given how kind Canadians are, but they are super affectionate life forms. They make a packed 501 streetcar seem like a walk in the park and "6 God" forbid they get hands-y when trying to get your attention. Pokes, shoulder taps, wrist holds, butt grabs - you name it, they've abused it.
The Slow Walkers
Any busy/energetic/hungover 20-something can relate: slow walkers are terrible people and the tourist-y kind are the devil. Why? Because in most cases, they have no idea where they're going or what they're actually looking at. Their walking speed is sometimes hindered by large crowds, but you should be banned from the city if it takes you 30 minutes to walk from Dundas to Queen.
The Umbrella Wielders
Umbrellas do a lot of good in this world as they save you from looking like a Kirsten Dunst type that's in search of her upside-down makeout sesh, but tourists don't use weather apps. They're oblivious to seasons and if they're in the GTA, they're more likely to be using a giant beach umbrella during a 10 cm snowfall or the hottest day of the summer.
Photo cred - Jackie Chow
The Innocent Voyeurs
And "innocent" is pushing it. Whether it's in the mall, at a department store or on the other side of a crosswalk, the voyeur will freeze time just to stare at you - digging into your soul while a giant smile beams across their face. There's the odd chance they could just be incredibly shy or a diehard fan of Hitchcock, but it doesn't take away from the fact they creep everyone out.
The Never-Ending Families
In general, families are easy to spot because they travel in groups. And not just groups, but packs and herds. They destroy everything you know about the modern Canadian family as they travel with up to 20 members at a time (75% being kids, 5% being lap dogs). They're also more than willing to trap you in a Starbucks line for who knows how long while grandpa intentionally gives you the stink eye.
The Cheesy Adventurers
We can all admit to being cheesy when we travel abroad but it doesn't take away from the fact that tourists love to be ironic when they visit Toronto. This sort can be often be found trying to shrink the CN Tower and pretending to be a giant in Yonge & Dundas Square, and truth be told: they never stop.
The Selfie Addicts
Whether they're male or female, they follow a certain set of rules: they always take multiple photos, they never use Instagram, and they strictly use iPads, DSLRs, and disposables. They're also never aware of their surroundings when they're striking a pose so one can only hope you don't wind up in a Facebook photo album called "Thanks Fr Th Mmrs Canadia".
The Confusing Drunks
Younger tourists are internationally known for being party animals when they visit foreign countries and that list includes Toronto. The average drunk traveler will usually only find a way to drool all over you while asking for directions, but there's always the odd group that's wearing ladies underwear and trying to put nylon stockings over your head while singing "My Heart Will Go On".
Photo cred - Pinterest
The Tourist-y Tourists
Let's face it, they're everywhere. They're the connoisseurs of sunblock, the pioneers of fanny packs, the runway models for tropical button-downs, and the only human beings that actually use physical, fold-out maps. The key to spotting them is simple: look for uncomfortably short cargo shorts.
The Folks From The States
Aka Americans. Considering Toronto is only a short trek from the border, Americans shouldn't be considered tourists and treated as such, but they are. They ditch their cozy lives - full of cheap alcohol and super Walmarts - just so they can spend their air miles and "experience Canada's unique culture". They're essentially terrible people but at least we're better at hockey.
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