Anyone who depends on using public transit to get around town will tell you that trying to plan your schedule around the whims of the TTC can be difficult to say the least. What makes things extra interesting is when you try adding some hard partying to the mix. Nothing ends a night quite like the crushing defeat of madly rushing off to the subway, only to find it closed for the night, while you can almost hear the last train rushing by and mocking you.
But we're here to tell you it gets better. You may feel like the whole world, or at the very least the Toronto Transit Commission, is out to get you. This is completely natural. Everyone goes through the five stages of late night transit grief, and to better prepare yourself we've outlined what you can expect to contemplate as your carefully crafted plans to get home crumble around you.
There is no way in holy hell I'm going to miss that last subway. What time does the station even close? Could someone google that for me? I would totally do it myself, but I'm running on like 5 percent battery right now. You know what, I probably should have just charged my phone before I got here. Where are we? Anyway, I really need to catch this last train or I am going to be royally screwed trying to get back to Etobicoke tonight. Well, I definitely have time for another pint anyway. Yah I'm good I got this.
This is insane. How can the station actually be closed down for the night already? What kind of lazy ass city runs a transit system like this? Last time I checked, we lived in a major metropolis, so why don't we just go ahead and start acting like it, okay? This would never happen in New York I bet. I should move to New York! The Big Apple! Last call is at two a.m. so it's just stupid, and quite frankly irresponsible, for them to even think of closing down before that. I should write to my city councillor! Who is it anyway? I'll google it. Shit, 3 percent battery!
There has to be a way to make this work. How do the TTC workers get home if the subway closes down? I bet they have their own secret late night subway club, and they keep it on the super down low so everyone doesn't freak out. Oh my god I've cracked the code. I'll just tap on the window here quick and see if I can get their attention. Maybe if I plead my case they will make an exception? I LIVE IN ETOBICOKE!
Photo cred - Marc Falardeau
I really messed up this time. You just had to stay for that last round of shots didn't you? A quick Jager and off you'd go, hey? I don't even like Jagermiester! I can actually already feel my hangover kicking in. I don't even think I have enough money in my bank account to pay for a taxi. How far will $7.31 get me? You loser. I hope Pizza Pizza is still open.
Screw it, I'll just order an Uber. Oh no my phone died!