Torontonians aren't known for our overly friendly personas. If you say you haven't blatantly avoided human contact at all costs before, then you, my friend, are a liar. There is no shame in admitting that there have been times where the thought of you having to talk to an actual person caused you to shudder. In fact, I will be the first to admit I'm writing this as I sit on a crowded subway just to avoid any potential eye contact.
Maybe you're having a bad day, maybe you're hung af and in the 7th layer of hell, or maybe you just hate people. (For me it's usually a combination of all three).
So what does one do when talking to people is an absolute NOPE?
1. Follow proper anti-social etiquette on busy streets like Queen W or Yonge
If you're not wearing sunglasses and earphones, you're doing it wrong. You are fair game to the Jesus guy or the "Because I am a Girl" people or any other passer-by that all of a sudden wants to be your bffl. What if it's dark out? Doesn't matter, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Pro tip: polarized sunglasses work best with the added feature of being able to ogle the people you are avoiding. What if I don't have any music to listen to? Easy! Put the ends of your earphones in your pocket/purse/backpack. As long as people THINK you're listening to music, you're golden.
2. The "close door" button in elevators is your best friend, especially in the BMO building.
Awkward elevator rides are the worst, awkward elevator rides to the 65th floor at 9am before work is what hell looks like. As IF someone had the audacity to get in YOUR elevator! This was your private time, your time to think about life, prepare yourself for the day ahead, maybe do a quick pre-work fart. So let me repeat: HIT IT AND QUIT IT. Close those doors before some dummy ruins your moment of zen and be sure to look super confused and apologetic as they run to catch the door. Later days loser!
3. Avoid the TTC like the plague.
Our transportation system leaves much to be desired: it's late, it's slow, and it only takes you to like 3 places in the city. But the main concern I have with the TTC is that there is too much potential to find yourself uncomfortably close to a total stranger.
Again, as I write I am STILL on the subway and a nice gentleman has decided that of all the totally available spots, he wants to sit beside me. WHY SIR, WHY?! The crucial mistake I made was not taking up two spots. Sure, on a totally crowded subway that would be impolite and if you do this you are the worst kind of person, but on a relatively empty car, this is totally acceptable. Update: his leg just accidentally grazed mine. Im going to die.
4. Uber over taxi, ALWAYS.
Now repeat that 3 times, write it down, maybe get it tattooed. This is a very important mantra for any anti-social Torontonian. Uber has it's obvious bonuses: not having to talk to someone on the phone to order a cab, not having to spend lengthy amounts of time explaining where you're going, and getting out without having to argue with your driving about how their "debit machine isn't working".
But what happens if my Uber driver decides to strike up a conversation? We've figured out that too: Uber now allows you to connect your Spotify. New Taylor Swift song? Nope, your driver might want to sing along or talk about your taste in music. Instead, before entering your Uber put on an Audiobook. Your driver will feel bad ruining the ending of "To Kill a Mockingbird" and avoid talking to you. Nicely done!
5. Typical King St W. restaurants should not be frequented.
When feeling particularly anti-social, the fancy restaurants on King St, such as Buca, are not the place to go for food. The extremely helpful waitstaff will come by your table making sure everything is just right every 5 minutes, to which you will reply "mmyesitsgreathankyou" with a mouth full of food.
To avoid this you can use sites like Just Eat to order food online aka without any human contact, or hit up a restaurant like Spring Sushi, where you can order using iPads. Furthermore, McDicks is set to come out with self-service touch screen register to help you avoid the judgemental looks from cashiers when you order 6 JCs.