America the beautiful... from spacious skies and amber waves of grain, to The Bachelor and fastfood chains. 

Born in the USA — and bashed by Urban Dictionary — this list of "American" things hasn't fared so well on the making-America-great-again meter. Urban Dictionary can get pretty brutal, you've been warned.

So, grab some Girl Scout cookies and get set for some serious roasting.

Pickup truck

@bharvilleembedded via  

“A motorized vehicle with over size tires, enough horsepower to rescue a three ton elephant from quicksand and a glove compartment filled with country and western CD's.” - bullshitzer

Country music

@countrymusicamericaembedded via  

"Insipid, voiceless dandies with the depth of wading pools have been propped up as the new ‘idols.’  – Buddy-Rey

“Country music is basicly just badly done rock-guitar pop-ballads (or repitive piano pop-ballads) with such themes as ‘My Wife Left Me’, ‘Im Leaving my Husband’, ‘my Spouse is Dead or a thousnad miles away and i am lonley’, and ‘Drinking Songs’"

"Hell, modern country wouldnt even be considered country music if it didnt include that stupid highpitched country noise” – Metal Head

“an unbearably irritating form of music that uses the same twangy gee-tar and awful wavering voice to sing about a very short list of topics such as: cheating spouse, alcoholics drinking to excess, pickup trucks, bein' a good-ol-boy, not havin' any a them-thar teeth and screwin' horses." - kc512

"in order for a person to get any kind of enjoyment out of country music, however minimal, one must fall under one or more of the following categories: white women, having unnatural love for cheap beer, owning a yard full of garbage, 3 or more missing teeth, having a lip full of chewing tobacco, attenders of singles' mingles/family reunions, anyone that owns a tractor and thinks that it automatically makes them a cowboy. the more of these criteria met, the bigger the country music fan you are.” – kc512


@officialsurvivor_cbsembedded via  

“What Americans call Survivor is what Canadian’s call camping.” – ME.0

“A popular reality TV show in which numerous randomly selected contestants make pitiful attempts to survive in a secluded area while they bitch about their workload until they are eventually voted off by their teammates.” – Q-Bert

State Fair

@fletcherscornydogsembedded via  

“Fry this. Fry that. Fry EVERYTHING! Where diabetes comes from. Commonly where "Big Rednecks" usually go each year. Especially in Arkansas.” – Niqqa­_Truth

Oprah Winfrey

@oprahembedded via  

“A condescending yo-yo dieting and especially wealthy talk show host. She manages to fake empathy with many a fan and brainwash numerous women with cheap advice or quick fixes to life.” – the exestential onion

“The Deepak Chopra of talk show hosts."

"A god to soccer moms everywhere, and an egregious blight on everyone else."

"Every time she's on air, she has the opportunity to provide the truth and give people useful information to live by, but instead, kowtows to quackery, clapping like a trained seal in the process.” – Dr. Snark, PhD


@nascarembedded via  

“An event in which big car-shaped billboards, bearing the names of hundreds of corporations, are somehow driven around a track at very high speeds by smaller, human-shaped billboards"

"I don't understand how NASCAR does it. How do they get those billboards to go around the track so fast?" - agentsteve

“An event where drunken rednecks... get drunk, and watch other stupid white trash ... drive around at dangerously high speeds in car shaped billboards advertizing for diet mountain dew and bud lite doing nothing but turning left and crashing into each other, and there's a trailer park in the center of the track.” – A WHITE GUY

Spring Break

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“A week where all the dumb kids go to Cancun and all the level headed people get to relax.” – derkaderk

“An excuse for people to act like uninhibited promiscuous clownshoes.” – Kix


@rodwinecoembedded via  

“Another excuse for Americans to spend an entire day eating.” – kymcleod

“National Obesity Awareness Day” – ConcernedAmericanCitizen12

“A day that epitomizes how wonderful it is to be a gluttonous, fat, lazy American. A day to sit on stolen land eating food we may have never discovered and watch a sport that was copied from the very shores our ancestors so readily fled. Also conveniently situated on a Thursday, meaning most people end up with a 4-day weekend.” – Sean Solo

“Noun: An American holiday that was originally founded to celebrate the taking over of the Native Americans. It is now an excuse for people to eat way too much, get fat, and remind themselves of how embarrassing their family is.”  - Kelley Lee G


@crossfitembedded via  

the Scientology of fitness. Sometimes known as ‘Cultfit’…

Like most cults:

  • Their subjects are put into physically and/or emotionally distressing situations, breaking their will over time.
  • Their problems are oversimplified and repeatedly emphasized.
  • They are unconditionally "loved," accepted, and receive "guidance" from a charismatic "leader."
  • Their identity is now based on the group.
  • They are, in a subtle way, encouraged to break off ties from friends and/or family who do not participate in this newfound CULTure.
  • Access to external information is severely monitored and/or controlled.” -seasonsgreetingsbilly

“A pretend sport which self proclaimed athletes compete to lift various weights and perform moves with terrible form, usually resulting in injury...” – The eye collector

“A new and expensive way of re-branding boot camp and circuit training. Also a method of selling out while pretending to be hardcore and underground. – Grouch Classman

Greek life

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“paying for friends; joining a fraternity or sorority; by joining greek life people will stereotype you correctly based on your letter and where you will have no individual identity” – GDindependent

Sweet tea

@whitencfarmhouseembedded via  

“The drink of choice for the low class. Extremely low quality tea with a pound of sugar per cup. Also known as, rot your teeth out tea, and we wonder why southerners have such nasty teeth.” – solugard

'Tea is alsome but when you put 1lbs of sugar on top it makes it turn into SHIT! In a cup" - Totally accurate definitions 

Real Housewives of Orange County

@realhousewivesoforangecountyembedded via  

"Bravo TV reality program that features a rotating "cast" of materialistic, vapid, alcoholic, selfish women who live behind gates to keep them from bothering other Orange County residents.– Chatty Chrissy

Real Housewives of Atlanta

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“An effective nonpharmacological soporific; sleep aid; comatosa.” – Wyeth

Fist pump

@jerseyshorecastembedded via  

“A classic guido move, newly popularized by MTV's show, The Jersey Shore. Typically involves a juiced up, overtanned, pit-stained arm pumping rapidly and enthusiastically in response to a variety of stimuli, including but not limited to: slammin’ beats, hot sluts and other fist pumpers.” – sweet! 

Jersey Shore

@jerseyshorecastembedded via  

“The reason god is mad at us.” – SpitShine Tommy

“The reason that will be given when god is asked why he wiped out the human race.

"A TV show with a cast full of losers with room temperature IQ’s who like to run around Fist Pumping… "

"This Show is going to be used as Evidence when MTV is put on trial for destroying American culture… " – Jerkymcstupid

“an awful show were everyone has disgusting fake tans.” – sdcfghjkl;lkj

The Bachelor

@bachelorabcembedded via  

“A Stupid Reality Show, Just Takes Female Stupidity To A Whole New Level.” – NoNameDefinition

“An over-dramatized television program where people gather to drink, constantly bicker over nothing, gossip and cry over spilt milk.” - Nosimp

“The worst show on television. A show of no value and one that propogates the ridiclousness of “reality” tv.” – Godballer


@jwesulmembedded via  

“30 second clips of men running in between commercials.” – Twilight

“A sporting event in which major corporations shamelessly promote thier products with obnoxious commercials, and music artists who were never meant to sing together, sing together.” – Nick L

1) A large football event held at the end of the football season in which two teams compete for a shiny ring
2) The most common excuse for men to buy a new TV at an obscene price” – Thomas Hersh

Girl Scout Cookies

@girlscoutsembedded via  

Crack cocaine for those who don’t do drugs.” – yodaddyandyourmommy

Overpriced cookies sold by adolescent girls, known to have addictive qualities.” – KingOfPotatoes

“A cleverly disguised, deadly, yet irresistible trap designed to slowly kill us all with morbid obesity resulting in cardiac arrest, diabetes, ect.” – Steve Martin 1202

Fourth of July

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"The day people light things on fire and blame it on loving their country." -ouirewoi


@pepsiembedded via  

“A drink compared to Coca Cola but made and marketed towards hillbillies. This soda has a slight urine taste masked by sweetness.” - fatrickp 

“Just some drink that turns grown-ups teeth into tombstones and makes children run around like theyre nuclear powered.” – apoo

“See what Coke is doing and copy it.” – Brisk


@prkmuricanembedded via  

"An American is someone who lives in the USA. Not all americans are overweight, ignorant pricks with an addiction to burgers and flag waving. Some of them are actually friendly, intelligent people!

They do think some wierd things, though.. They call football soccer, American football football, aluminum aloominum, jam jelly and so on. But belittling them for differences like that would be a bit petty of me, wouldn't it?" - do I have to put something here

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