I think we've all been here before. You really like someone, you're not seeing other people, but you haven't had 'the talk' yet. The talk that makes you guys official, even though in your head you already are. But the thoughts keep you up at night. Are they dating anyone else? I don't want to ask and come off as clingy. Are you just friends with benefits? And then you send yourself into a spiral of negative thoughts. This kind of relationship starts off unhealthy at the beginning, until both of you commit to each other. 

Well, at one point in my life, I was dumb and just assumed we weren't seeing other people. When it came to dating, I didn't really get upset, I didn't care that much if things ended, because I knew in the end I'd end up with the right person. I was swiping through Tinder one night and came across this guy. Let's call him John. That's not his real name, but if he's reading this, he'll know exactly who he is. John was that guy who was charming from the first conversation. A quick chat on Tinder turned into exchanging numbers, phone calls, FaceTime calls for hours, etc. While I was at work, I'd sneak into the back room and have multiple messages from him and the butterflies would come back. I really did like this guy. 

Not knowing if you're official with someone, but them talking about the future constantly with you, makes you very confused. John would talk about the future all the time, and again, the butterflies would come. He'd send me cute little texts throughout the day, we hardly went an hour without talking, and maybe I got too attached. But if we were always talking, then how did he have time to talk to other girls? 

The first kiss was how I imagined it would be. Like fireworks, or something even better than that. It was hard to imagine him hurting me, because he was truly becoming like a best friend. And not in the friendzone kind of way. Like, I want to be with him all the time, keep having inside jokes, etc. But as quick as things started, they faded. Well, I guess for him. I'd go back into the back room at work expecting my phone to be blown up like usual, instead he hadn't responded to my texts from hours ago. This never happened, but I assumed it was a coincidence. Then, all of our inside jokes started fading, and him only responding "lol" or "haha" when before it would take us 20 minutes to stop the joke. I knew something was up, and it truly made me feel sick. I remember going into the bathroom at work and crying because I know I didn't do anything wrong, but then again, something was wrong. 

It went on for days before I was finally fed up with how rude he was being to me. I called him out on it and said, "Listen. You've been acting weird the past week and I'm sick of it. Call me and tell me what's up or I'm done here". So I anxiously awaited his call, and like I suspected, there was someone else. To be honest, talking about this story still isn't easy. It's been a while since I last saw him, but he's still not out of my life. I'll get back to that in a little. 

He told me his ex-girlfriend, who had studied abroad and had come home, was back in his life and he was seeing where things were going with her. While I understood, I still wanted to reach through the phone and deck him. I don't know if I would have cared as much if he was just honest with me as soon as he knew things may start again with his ex, but alas, he didn't. He said he wasn't sure of what he wanted, but he'd "let me know". I straight up told him I'm not waiting around to be a second choice, so have a good life. I kept trying to justify it. Oh, he wasn't cheating on me with a random, just his ex. That's fine, right? There's a lot of history there. But I talked myself out of it because I realized from the beginning he had some flaws. 

From then on, I'd get drunk phone calls from him, he restarted the inside jokes and even when I wouldn't answer, I'd still get texts. It was like he was trying to taunt me and I can't say it wasn't working. He would tell me him and his ex were over, but he wasn't ready to date. I threatened to delete his number so many times, I even deleted him off of Facebook. But the funny thing is, he still found a way to message me. And I'd respond. Every time. 

I believe John is now engaged, which is funny because he still messages me on Facebook, likes my Instagram pictures, and even though I don't have his number, I'm sure he still has mine. I so badly want to message his fiancé and tell her all of this and also tell her good luck, but at the end of the day, that's just bad karma on my end. 

So. Were we ever official? I don't know. Do I care to ask him? Not one part of me. It obviously still makes my stomach drop when he likes my Instagram pictures, but then an eye roll comes right after it. I hope John is reading these, and if you are, hello. Our inside jokes are no longer funny to me, but good thing I've moved on. Just remember that no matter what the situation is, if you feel hurt, you have every right to feel hurt. No matter if you're official or not, have been dating for 5 years, or just have a crush on someone and find out they have a girlfriend. Heartbreak sucks and there is no outline for when you're allowed to feel sad. 

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