11 Signs The Sex Is Going To Be Bad
7. He uses too much tongue
Life is short. Too short to be having bad sex, if you ask me. But if you find yourself going through the motions time after time, starfishing with some jack rabbit who fancies himself to be a sexual power drill, maybe it's time to sit down and analyze the warning signs so you don't have to endure an hour of foreplay every time you have sex only to monotonously recite "oh, oh, oh, yes" until he finally gets his rocks off. Save yourself the trouble and the "faking it" and know the signs before it's too late.
1. He hesitates to make the first move
Sex is a dance, and you can't dance if no one is leading. If he's twiddling his fingers awkwardly out of indecision when you two should be playing tonsil hockey, how will he ever find the nerve to throw you across the bed and ravage you? Simple, he won't.
2. His apartment is messy
Messy apartment, messy life, messy.... you get the idea. If he doesn't clean for you out there chances are he's not going to clean for you down there either. Any self-respecting man with an interest in you would tidy up before you step foot into his place, otherwise, he's not that interested and it will certainly show when the lights go out.
3. He still lives with his parents
I don't know of anyone who has ever had good sex cramped in some basement childhood bedroom on a single mattress with spiderman sheets, and you'd be lying if you said you did too.
4. He's not physically active
Sex requires stamina, sweat, stability, flexibility, endurance, and rhythm, none of which can be achieved by sitting in your boxers eating Cheetos and playing Call of Duty. Also, don't you want a big pair of pecs and traps to caress while you're in the act?
5. He douses himself in cologne
Too much cologne is an immediate warning sign of bad B.O, lack of confidence, bad hygiene, and insecurity, all of which contribute to lackluster, god awful sex. If your eyes start to water from the fumes when you go in for that first hug, run for the hills.
6. He's obsessed with his phone
This is basically just good manners and standard dating etiquette, but it is also a telltale warning sign of bad sex. If he's obsessed with his phone he's either A. Not that into you or B. Has the attention span of a five-year-old, either way, that's not helping anybody when you're bumping uglies.
7. He uses too much tongue
Kissing is the real first taste (literally) of what's in store for the night, and if he's got his tongue down your throat like he's deep sea fishing it might be time to nip this one in the bud. Too much tongue is a sign of inconsistency, bad rhythm, uncertainty and is also just plain disgusting.
8. He only talks about himself
So you know all about his career in finance, his trip to Ibiza, his Lexus, his ex-girlfriend and everything else under the sun. And he knows that you love breadsticks! Cause' that's the only thing going in and out of your mouth for the past hour, and it might be smart to keep it that way. Chances are if he's not taking an interest in you now when you're between the sheets, he'll probably be just as selfish, and at that moment, you'll be wishing it was just breadsticks in your mouth.
9. He's indecisive
Do you want to catch a movie? Or maybe go to dinner? Or we could stay in? Or maybe we could just have really awful sex? If he's not willing to take the reigns now, when it comes down to it, he'll be politely poking and prodding you uncertainly all night, and there's nothing worse than guiding a man through what you want him to do...
10. He makes you split the bill
Chivalry isn't dead, and neither is good sex, but in this case both of them are, cause after a night of bad sex he'll probably roll over and ask you "did you call your Uber yet?"
11. He doesn't reciprocate
This is the last stop before you can derail the whole sex thing. If you notice that he's not sexually reciprocating whatsoever it's time to pull the plug once and for all. We don't want no mediocre, and we most definitely don't want no selfish lovers.
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