25 Things You Definitely Experience The Monday After A Toronto Weekend Bender
Ah sweet summer... the time of bathing suits, sunshine, long weekends, and testing your liver's physical limits by drinking three days in a row.
Staying sober on the weekends in Toronto is tough; there is always something going on, and no one likes to all-day festival quite like a city kid. After all, we only get three months of this glorious weather, aren't we supposed to live it up?
Nothing says summer quite like seriously questioning your moral judgement and ability for rational decision making. And it's all fun and games until Monday morning when the detox process sets in and the self-loathing begins.
Here's what you can expect every Monday of a Toronto summer to feel like:
1. Your alarm clock sounds like a demonic screech straight from the seventh circle of hell.
2. You hit snooze at least 8 times, and seriously consider your need for a shower, breakfast or a work-appropriate outfit over getting just 10 more minutes of sleep.
3. You try and think of ALL the possible reasons you could call in sick to work. You can get Malaria in downtown Toronto right?
4. You have a sit-down shower.
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5. Your back and shoulders are a mishmash of embarrassing tan lines from your tendency to patio sans SPF.
6. You leave your house in sunglasses, regardless of the weather.
7. You don’t see coffee as merely, “helpful” but making-sure-your-Hipster-game-is-on-point-before-going-to-Trinity-Bellwoods CRUCIAL.
8. You can’t believe you've never noticed that Sam James Coffee Bar is ACTUAL HEAVEN and it’s helpful Baristas are little caffeine-producing Angels.
9. On the way to work you repeat a mantra of, “This is it, this is the week I will stay off alcohol, eat right and go to the gym.”
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10. The TTC at rush hour feels like a sealed, inescapable tube of sweat-inducing torture.
11. You swear that next weekend you’ll only drink one of the three days, rather than all day everyday.
12. You are simultaneously horrified and impressed that you managed to stay out until 4am Saturday night and still make it to your 11am boozy patio brunch at Local in Liberty Village on Sunday morning.
13. You wonder why you feel so full, then start having flashbacks to all of the one-night-stands with food you had over the weekend. Burrito Boyz? Check. Smoke's Poutinerie? Pizzaiolo? Burger Priest? Check. Check. Oh god... Check.
14. You track your weekend movements via your online Visa statement, which looks like a how-to guide of, "Top 10 places to get turnt up and then eat your face off in Toronto."
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15. You berate yourself for ever thinking bottle service at EFS was the thrifty, economical choice.
16. That Cold-Press juice that’s all the rage in Toronto but you swear you’d never buy? You buy it.
17. That $15 dollar salad you always claimed was only for hippies and rich moms? You buy that too.
18. You realize how unsatisfying green juice and kale is and go into carb-withdrawal mourning.
19. You try as hard as you can to keep it together at work but secretly take multiple bathroom breaks and fall asleep on the toilet in 5-minute increments.
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20. You spend the rest of the afternoon at work researching hangover cures.
21. And cleanses.
22. And ways to apologize for everything you posted on social media over the weekend.
23. And boutique gyms in the city for your new life as a functional adult. I mean, you lose 3lbs just walking into Equinox right?
24. You try to go to your non-fancy gym after work, only to leap off the treadmill after 7-minutes in a state of absolute physical exhaustion.
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