12 Absurd Dating Terms That Show How Weird Love Is
Wait...do you "like" like them?!
There are songs, nay, ballads about it. There are movies. There are epic novels, novellas, haikus, spoken word and poems. There are masterpieces of art about it. Websites are made simply to help you find it, people swipe left and right in desperate hopes of stumbling across it. It's, to quote Queen, this crazy little thing called love - and to be honest? It's fucking strange.
As marvellous and life-changing it can be, like anything, its had its moments that really made us wonder what on earth we're doing....and why. Love likes to play games, and like any good game, it really likes to keep us interested. That means whipping out strange strategies and rules for us to abide by if we want to win this epic game (if that's even a thing). And though these methods may have changed over time, there's some that just make you go hmmm.
You can call, but only at certain times. You can text, but make sure to wait a little bit. Don't be too forward, or else you're going to freak them out, but let them know you're interested. We're supposed to be cool, mysterious, happy, funny, sexy, witty, intellectual all while maintaining a composure that's appealing enough to whatever sex we're trying to appeal to?! Is this for real?!
OBVIOUSLY, SOME WEIRD ASS LINGO IS GONNA COME FROM THAT DAILY PUZZLE! With all those things we apparently "need to" think about in order to find love, it's only natural that people have started to get creative with what the way that we label all those acts. We love to love, and at the end of the day, even if it is absurd we don't mind and will never stop shamelessly doing these things. Love over hate am I right?! Here my friends, are some of the most absurd terms, customs, and means of acquiring love we have tried, or are still trying to fall head over heels. Rock on.
1. Cuffing Season
Feeling those first drafty breezes of the winter season? Buckle up because that's the first sign cuffing season has officially started. Another sign? A number of dates gone on by you and your friends may start going up exponentially. The hot weather is going away and it seems like the carefree appeal of being single and ready to mingle is too...People just want that little spoon. They're thinking of those dark winter nights where it'd be nice to have a bae to keep them warm and cozy. Meaning? People who are usually single end up getting "cuffed" to a serious relationship.
2. Drafting Season
The precursor to cuffing season (see above); this wild time takes place during the hot summer months where one could be said to be "playing the field" or even worse and more cringy, "scouting out their options". It's like college football scouting season for the dating world.
3. Men Whittling Spoons For Their Love
Yes, this was really a thing, and it was called a Lovespoon. Contrary to the modern association of spooning and relationships, this was a tradition from the seventeenth century where a suitor would give a young woman a hand carved spoon to show their affection. Those spoons also were known to be decked out in symbols that came with specific meanings. Lock for security, a Cross for Fatih, bells for marriage etc. Got 3 caged balls on your spoon? It meant they hoped for 3 kids.
Spoon made you swoon? If you made it to your wedding you and your number one would eat your wedding night dinner with linked spoons.
We've all been benched. You know the drill; you meet a 9/10, you're texting, snapping, Insta likes are zooming back and forth across cyberspace straight to your feed. You're dreaming of the wedding, but you haven't even had a date yet. In fact, nothing ever seems to really materialize into actual plans. It's all talk but you never get to get your chance on the field, "put me in coach!"
5. Sweat Scented Hankies
This one kind of reminds me of how Beyonce pats down her glowing, sweaty face during a concert with a towel to hand it to adoring fans below who will cherish that sweat-stained towel for eternity. Say it's a couple centuries back, you're in Europe and you and you gals in waiting are hitting up a Friday soiree, the usual. From across the room you see a well-groomed hottie eyeing you, to pick you up he puts his handkerchief under his armpit. The night goes on, biological responses happen, and you're both sweating up a storm of pheromones. He takes his sweat stained hankie and wipes the sweat of your own face to show he's interested. Biology.
Think that's extreme? In the 19th century in some parts of Austria, some women would feed their men apple slices that were lodged under their armpits during the dance. Apparently, true love really knows no boundaries.
We all know orange is the new black, well now it seems that "zombieing" is the new ghosting. The weirdest thing about this term is the fact that it's probably happened to you before without you even realizing it. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn't look like the type of zombie apocalypse blockbuster we see. It's basically what happens post ghosting - you think your bae has disappeared forever and then suddenly you get a notification they've liked a pic of your's, from months ago. They start suddenly throwing a casual, "sup?". Your instant reaction is to dodge it because, duh, it's like a zombie coming straight into your life from who knows where.
Think of this like tuning a guitar, you may not fully be committed to playing it but you just want to get everything perfectly in place for when you're ready to play that funky music. So you throw a couple casual likes on the facebook/insta photos, you send some funny dog filtered snaps (high-quality lighting obviously). You guys may even send the casual text once in a blue moon, but nothing too wild to make it seem like you are fully putting yourself out there. It's the way to get that relationship to the right pitch so when you finally put yourself out there, like Jimmy Hendrix on a Gibson Flying V, you know the magic is guaranteed to happen.
This one just seems like a flat out avoidance of actually being in a relationship and almost more daunting than actually saying you're dating but here it is. A dationship is what you would say when two people are casually dating but not at that full blown "I will love you always/you hang up first" relationship level. For the short version, it's a step above wheeling, a step below relationship status, and just in the middle of ever so confusing.
This is a sketchy one not gonna lie. You got someone who's in a relationship, but may not be happy in it, BUT they don't want to take the leap to end it just yet (the prospect of being single may just be all too overwhelming). So what do they do? They start tuning you (see above) to set up a backup incase they decide to leave their current beau. It's just flirty enough that it keeps you interested, but not so much that their current bae would think they have anything to worry about. Sketchy.
This is definitely not as romantic as the name may lead you to believe. One person is wrapped in bed with another, and when I say wrapped we're walking separately blankets and even a "bundling board" was placed between the couple to ensure no, as the kids are saying it, "funky business". This interesting courting tradition is thought to come from the Netherlands or British Isles, and later Colonial America. A night together wrapped in separate blankets and a wooden board together?! Maybe this is what really happens in the Bachelor fantasy suite who knows?!
11. Shack Pack
This one's as classy as a King West bar after last call (yes, that was sarcasm). Essential travel kit for your friends with benefits deal or any one nightstand expert, this is the kit that you bring with you to those lovely, but ever so brief, outings. You have all the essentials, a MAC lipstick, some condoms, hairbrush, toothbrush perhaps? Oddly enough it fits right into our increasingly compartmentalized world! Neat!
12. Thirst Trap
No, you're not caught in the desert, a thirst trap can be more clearly defined as a picture sent out in order to receive compliments/get attention/get a reaction from someone. You post a picture looking cute at a concert? That's just you being fly AF, as per usual. Someone who is constantly sending you snaps like, "no one is hanging out with me!", or "ugh so bored!", or "back in town!" is dropping the subtle hint that is not so subtle that they want you to quench their thirst and make the first move. Interested? Whip out that Nalgene and swoop right in.