I Forced Myself To Break Up With My Amazing Boyfriend And Here’s Why
Letting go sucks...
You never know what the future lays ahead of you. Starting 2016, I was in the happiest relationship I ever been, my boyfriend had all the qualities I ever dreamed to find in my partner and he even seemed to cope with my terrible clumsiness and bad temper. It was such relationship in which you feel loved and accepted for who you are.
Although I was going through life with a caring man on my side, I could not seem to be satisfied with my life. I tried to fiercely look for a new job and volunteering position to break the routine and discover new horizons. I ended up being immensely tired, spending less time with my friends and putting some distance between my boyfriend and I. After four months together, we had our first argument, which became the first of a long series of debates, tears and confusion. I was torn apart by the love for the man who appeared to meet all my expectations and the dissatisfaction felt about my life.
Choosing to break up with him was one of the hardest decision I had to make in my life. Breaking up with someone who has cheated on you gives at least a reason to do it: protecting your dignity. However, saying goodbye to someone you love because you are not satisfied with who you are is an open door to guilt and blame. Wasn't it unfair to him to go through the ups and downs of my trouble-self ? I did what I thought was the best for the two of us.
The week after our breakup, I was in complete denial of what just happened. I did not spend hours crying in the arms of best friends or didn't delete all our photos together. On the contrary, I kept going with my life, smiling and reassuring my friends about how relieved I was and how great I felt. About a week after the breakup, I broke into tears on the way home. I finally realized how deeply wounded I was from that relationship. Truth appeared like a slap in the face.
The following week was painfully sweet. It was the end of classes so I had the luxury of staying at home all day to "study for my exams". No need to say that my revision did not go as smooth as I would have planned. Because planning became an obsession: meal prepping, planing my revisions, scheduled time to get up and sleep, daily workout. I was adding everything that I could on my daily schedule to make sure I was coming home exhausted with only one desire: sleep and forget. I hated myself for making this loving guy suffer for something as silly as not being satisfied with my life.
I kept on going with an hectic lifestyle taking exams, working out, looking for summer internships, having a part-time job and packing up to move out. Having a lot on my plate and end each day feeling like you have accomplished so much was therapeutic. I began to wake up in the morning excited for the coming day, making projects and enjoying the free time that I have for myself. I love going to cafes, listening to music and writing. I enjoy long walks, watching Vancouver grow and change throughout the day. I have spent a lot of time discovering myself through veganism and sharing new recipes with my friends.
Looking back today, I know the breakup was the result of more than just me being dissatisfied with my life. Our long-term goals and vision of life were diverging. I learned how to forgive myself for hurting him; I also recognize the importance of being at peace with myself before letting someone else into my life. We are raised in a society that teaches us the necessity of finding someone to find happiness. People come and go, but the only person you will have to live with the rest of your life is you. Two months ago, I did say goodbye an amazing guy but I learned the importance of respecting and accepting myself.
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