If you're a girl, you know all too well what the girls' bathroom is like. If you're a guy, you're probably really, really curious (and I don't blame you!)
The girls bathroom is a strange, strange place. I could compare it to some sort of third dimension and I wouldn't even be exaggerating. I've spent entire evenings at the club in the girls' room—we've laughed, we've cried, we've fixed everything from each other's makeup to each other's relationships.
I've met a lot of wonderful, fellow drunk women in bar bathrooms over the years. Here's a quick list of my favourites:

Your New Best Friend

Meeting place: The Toad

You lend her your Kat Von D liquid lipstick and suddenly the two of you are planning a winter vacay together to Puerto Vallarta, peeing in the same stall, and adding each other’s numbers with the dancing girls emoji next to your names. When you wake up tomorrow you might not remember her face, but for tonight, you’re making her PINKY PROMISE to be your maid of honor when you marry the cute bartender someday.

The Girl With Her Phone

Meeting place: The Pint

She is in the process of snapchatting her entire bathroom experience, while simultaneously posting a mirror selfie on Instagram. Whatever you do, don’t make direct eye contact with her—she’ll force you into trying on the flower crown filter with her and demand that you follow her on every social media channel so she can tag you.

The Impossibly Beautiful Drunk

Meeting place: 441 Main

She’s been tossing back Burt Reynolds shots and sweating it out on the dance floor all night, but somehow not a single Grace Hill-treated blonde strand of hair is out of place. She manages to touch up her entire face of makeup without a single smear or smudge, and her perfectly white pair of jeans and tiny Aritizia tank are still spotless. Try not to stand directly beside her or you’ll feel immediately inferior.

The Hungry Drunk

Meeting place: Cowboys

Some girls crave drama when they're drunk, others crave male attention. The hungry drunk wants one thing—food. She can be found munching on the entire contents of a vending machine in the bathroom corner or pulling saran-wrapped sandwiches out of her clutch. Keep a close eye—she's been known to search purses for forgotten peppermints to tide her over until her post-bar McDonalds binge.

The Girl Who’s Celebrating Her 18th Birthday

Meeting place: District Stop

She’s accepted every free drink that’s been offered to her tonight, meaning there’s an ugly combination of rum and cokes, vodka crans, and about 8 too many tequila shots churning around in her stomach. She looks at you with pity, like you’re too old to be here and wears her ‘18th birthday’ ribbon like a badge of honour. There is nothing more powerful than a drunk girl on her 18th birthday. She will also likely puke on her Forever21 dress in the limo ride home.

The Weathered Bar Star

Meeting place: Citizen

She’s gone out every weekend since she turned 18, and now she’s 24*. Alcohol no longer affects her (her veins pump pure vodka), so she’s probably snorting a line of coke off the back of the toilet instead. Her eyes are hollow and she’s incapable of interesting conversation beyond screaming the latest Chainsmoker lyrics. She most likely arrived at the club with a lesser-known Blue Bombers player.

*24 in Bar Star Years is equivalent to 28 in real-time years.

The Sobbing Mess

Meeting place: Reign

You can’t be sure, but you think she might be crying about the fact that the tiny pickles they serve on the side of a caesar will never get to grow up and become full-sized pickles. You manage to dry her tears, but then she starts crying with uncontrollable happiness over the delicious range of foods that can be made from potatoes.

The Sobbing Mess is often accompanied by...

The Mom Of The Group

Meeting place: Cowboys

Every friend group has a mom—she stations herself in the bathroom for the entire evening with a Lug bag full of treats. Water bottles, electrolyte tablets, baby wipes, and perfectly portioned ziplock bags full of nuts and crackers. Bonus: if you behave yourself that night, she’ll let you eat McDonalds in the backseat of her Camry. But be warned—if she sees you texting your ex, she’ll make you sit in the corner until you realize what you’ve done. Ugh, so unfair.

The Basic One

Meeting place: Bar I

She looks haggard and her winged eyeliner is seriously smeared. She has a dark brown spill over her left boob and a number written in sharpie on her arm next to the name ‘Chad’. You move closer to her, and she moves with you, until you realize you’re looking in a mirror. She is you. You are her. You’re drunk AF. Go home.

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