I Attempted A One Night Stand And It Was Beyond Tragic
In the age of internet dating/women's revolution/equality movement, you would think having a one-night stand is easier than ever, right? Well, you are wrong. While it doesn't take a certain type of person to successfully pull off a one-night stand, it takes a type of mentality that I simply do not, and probably will never, possess.
None the less, here were the facts: I was getting yanked around in a constant on-again-off-again situation with a guy I used to date. We broke things off because he didn't want to be exclusive and then, started seeing someone exclusively. Because that's how life goes, you know?
Anyways, I would wake up to 5 missed FaceTime calls from his drunken ass or 47 Instagram notifications because he'd liked every picture I posted since 2013. I thought, "Okay, he wants to get back together/he's seriously deranged." Both of which were true. One night, I decided to throw caution to the wind and really try to hit things off with someone else. The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else, right??
To preface, I've only ever slept with people I've had relationships with. Not because I've never wanted to bone a hot bartender or slip a cute waiter my number, but that's just how I'm wired. I find it hard to get hot and bothered if I'm not really comfortable around someone else.
But this particular night, I was lonely, horny, and honestly, kind of sad. So I clicked on that fire app and started swiping - looking for a spark. Something casual and fun and easy. After a day or two of chatting and fleshing people out, I found one that would do. Let's call him Jesse. He had dark features, looked slightly taller than me in his pics, worked in finance and liked Arrested Development. Good enough, I thought.
Jesse* and I set up a date for a couple days later. He wanted to go for dinner at a Mexican place, which didn't sound like it had a lot of sexy potential - but it was there. When I got to the place, it reminded me of a latin themed Montanas - so you can already tell I was really getting in the mood. I omitted all dinner options, nibbling on a ceviche appetizer and knocking back margaritas until the bill came.
Light-headed, arm in arm with my internet date, I wondered exactly what the fuck I wanted. I decided Jesse and I could make out at his condo a little and if he turned me on enough, we could fool around. If you're really into it, fuck him. But if not, whatever. I coached myself. This is what modern girls did, right? Go on dates and have condo sex? Sounds like your average episode of Sex and the City, so what could go wrong!
Jesse poured wine into espresso cups and put on Space Jame for exactly 5-minutes before he kissed me. He was a good enough kisser that sooner or later, he was pulling up my sweater as I sat on his lap. As clothes were coming off, I felt that this was a good time to spit out the sentence that had been swirling in my head. "I just wanna pace things a little, I don't want you to expect anything," I blushed looking out the window to the city street. "I'm not expecting anything," Jesse replied. "But let's maybe move into a bedroom, my roommates will be home soon."
As the night continued, I found myself becoming less and less into Jesse. Maybe all his talk about investing and cilantro sobered me up post-dinner. I don't think I could recite the address of this place and I never really liked Arrested Development that much to begin with??
He went down on me all I could think about was: "Wow, I really wish he would move up a little. Or to the side. Or just stop." Even with my old partners, it took a couple times in bed together until I felt comfortable enough to tell them what I liked and what I didn't. I basically let Jesse do his thing until I was certain I wasn't going to cum and tapped him out.
I had already given Jesse some uninspired head and was very ready for this night to be over. He finished, I didn't, but I was definitely done. When I reached over to grab my bra, Jesse stopped me. "What are you doing?" he asked. "I want to fuck you," he said, grabbing my hips. He smiled, as if these were the words that would open my vagina as magically as an oyster with a pearl in a Disney movie.
"I just, don't think this is the right time. Not tonight," I mustered, with a weak smile. I'm also drier than Nevada, but we're not going to go there right now. "Really?" Jesse scoffed. He followed me as I threw my sweater on, zipped up my jeans and headed for the door. I jumped into my heels and turned to kiss him goodbye.
I kissed his cheek and thought about something nice to say, but sadly came up with nothing. "Goodnight Jesse." "Yeah goodnight," he replied. He kissed me back, shook his head and laughed.
I was almost out the door, when I turned around. "What's so funny?" I asked. "Nothing," he smirked. "See you never."
I couldn't help but smirk to myself, walking on the tacky carpet in the condo lobby. I tried a one-night stand and it was lame. Awkward and Dissatisfying. But I did it. Even if I didn't actually do it, I tried. One night stands may not be for me, but moving on? That's something I can do. As I got into my Uber, I unmatched Jesse and started swiping for someone new. That's right. See you never.