The Top 10 Dumbest Reasons For Living In Each Canadian Province
The brutally sarcastic edition.
What makes a province worth living in? Is it mainly about culture, employment opportunities, living conditions, or all of the above?
One man named Gregory Smith attempted to answer that question, but he did so in a different way than you'd probably expect ... Instead of giving straight answers, he gave sarcastic ones that highlighted the cons of living in each province instead. Though his lists were triggering, their clever, passive-aggressive tones made them incredibly funny to read.
In honour of Smith's comedic style, I decided to come up with my own top 10s for each province in Canada. If you're easily triggered, this article is probably not for you. But if you can take a joke, you might enjoy this ... here they are, in all their sarcastic glory (take seriously at your own risk):
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In British Columbia
The province's pot industry is worth a smoking $7.5 billion. Right on, dude!
2. Limitless supply of rainwater
No no, this is a good thing! You'll look so cute with your umbrella!
3. Countless sugar daddy prospects
Get your money, girl!
4. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
Unleash your inner basic bitch!
5. Lots of elderly people
So you can show off your youthful beauty!
6. Countless landscapes to Instagram
But not to admire in real life, obviously!
7. Eternal bragging rights
Once you live in BC, you're entitled to brag that you're from BC!
8. Tons of vegans
More steak and gluten for you!
9. People will think you're rich
You could be homeless and people will think you're a just a fashionable hipster!
It's just like weed, but it is!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Alberta
1. It's just like Texas
But more frozen!
2. Political flexibility
You can be as Conservative as you want until it's inconvenient for you!
3. Oil and gas will make you rich
Don't worry, exploitation of natural resources is the norm here!
4. The Calgary Stampede
Who wouldn't want to see burly men in cowboy hats straddle a bunch of bulls?!
5. Strong hockey culture
You'll have so much fun being a part of the Flames/Oilers civil war!
6. Lots of air pollution
Save money on cigarettes!
7. Big ass trucks
You won't be able to see the road, but aren't they so cool?!
Both dead and living!
9. Heaps and heaps of snow
You'll get so muscular doing all that shoveling!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Saskatchewan
1. "Regina" is always a sure hit in conversations.
You'll definitely bring the laughs!
2. It's really easy to draw on a map
It's basically a rectangle and there aren't any lakes to colour in!
3. There's lots of space
You can drive the entire province on cruise control!
4. The Roughriders
They'll always give you a reason to get drunk and wear watermelon helmets!
5. You'll never lose your dog
If it runs away on Monday you'll still see it running on Wednesday!
6. Unlimited access to wheat
Everybody loves wheat!
7. It's super quiet
You can even hear the tumbleweeds rolling!
8. You can finally buy that John Deere mower
And your wife can't complain!
9. You'll make lots of new friends
Mostly with the gophers in the fields!
10. You can show off your spelling skills
Spelling "Saskatchewan" for people will be your claim to fame.
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Manitoba
1. Alternate modes of transportation
You can canoe, snowshoe, or even ride a polar bear to work!
2. You'll save on electricity
All those power outages will come in handy!
3. Winters are awesome
Because you'll always have a reason to be late to work!
4. You can identify as an East Canadian or West Canadian
It's all up to you to decide!
5. Fashion is not seasonal
In time, you'll be able to wear shorts in -20 degrees, just like everyone else!
6. Winnipeg is just like Detroit
Only 200x colder!
7. You won't have to deal with annoying tourists
Because no one wants to visit anyway!
8. You don't have to dress up too much
Because there's not a lot of people available to impress!
9. It's close to Ontario
So you can get out of it whenever you want!
10. It's not Saskatchewan
Clearly an advantage!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Ontario
1. It's the centre of the universe
It's literally the only place in Canada people care about!
2. You'll look responsible with money
Because Kathleen Wynne isn't!
3. Trudeau is within stalking distance
You can finally retire that photo of him you keep in your wallet!
4. It has a Cheesecake Factory
Need I say more?!
5. Expensive ass houses
You won't be able to afford them, but aren't they pretty to look at?!
6. The weather isn't that bad
But you can still complain about it as much as you want!
7. Toronto will make you feel like you're in NYC
With its endless construction, garbage-filled roads and obnoxious passerbys.
8. You decide the fate of the country.
Because in reality, only Ontario votes matter!
9. An endless supply of selfie sticks
Thanks to the tourists, they'll never run out!
10. Everybody will want to be you
Because being an Ontarian is everyone's dream, duh!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Quebec
1. People will think you're bilingual even if you're not
You could live a double life!
2. You're entitled to an unlimited-use Anglophone card
You can blame all of your problems on those "Anglo bastards"!
3. The culture is superb
It makes up for the province's lack of economy!
4. You can be as rude as you want
Because no one will understand you!
5. No one will judge you for smoking
Smokers lungs are fashionable here!
6. It has the second best poutine in the country
You know what they say, second is the best!
7. Store names are changing to French
Want to go to Taco Bell? I mean, Tâco Cloche?!
8. You'll stand out
Just like how Quebec is an outsider to the rest of Canada!
9. You'll adopt 2 more last names
And your kids will get 4!
10. Celine Dion
Everybody loves Celine Dion!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In New Brunswick
1. You won't be blamed for anything
New Brunswick people are harmless in the eyes of Canada!
2. Like Saskatchewan, it's also easy to draw
And colour, too!
3. You won't have to deal with tourists
They all drive past you to get to Nova Scotia!
4. It will allow you to keep a low profile
Because no one ever pays any attention to New Brunswick!
5. It's home to the biggest tides
To keep the Quebeckers out!
6. You're poor, but not as much as the Newfies
That's the most important thing!
7. You'll live the simple life
In a seaside cottage with no cable!
8. Lots of cows and fish
And kayakers getting eaten by whales!
9. You'll learn to speak French
Whoops, I meant you'll be forced to learn to speak French!
10. It's just like Maine
But with more unemployed fishermen!
The Top Ten Reasons To Live In Nova Scotia
1. A lifetime supply of Alexander Keith's
Say no more!
2. You'll learn how to play the fiddle
You'll be a hit at folk parties!
3. You can wear a kilt and not be ashamed
Just tell everyone you have a Scottish background!
4. Lots of lobsters
It smells like dead sea animals all the time, but it's worth it!
5. It's home to a smiling tugboat
That's not creepy at all!
6. You're allowed to kick a Newfie's ass
Just part of your rights as a Nova Scotian!
7. You can be unapologetically hipster
It's the way of life in Nova Scotia!
8. It has the Cabot Trail
So people can't tell you Nova Scotia is boring!
9. You can basically pass off as part Scottish
No one will ever find out!
10. Trailer Park Boys
The epitome of Canadian class!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Prince Edward Island
1. You have a bigger bridge than the ones in Vancouver
Take that, BC!
2. You can walk across the entire province in 30 minutes
What a great exercise!
3. You can drive across the province in 2 minutes
One tank of gas will last you months!
4. It has the Anne of Green Gables house.
Useless, but pretty!
5. So. Many. Potatoes.
No need to worry about not getting enough fibre!
6. There are no street lights but there are lighthouses
They're super practical and super functional!
7. It's an island
The other provinces can't bother you!
8. You'll have lots of peace and quiet
Because rarely anyone lives there and no one will want to visit!
9. The farmers from the Cavendish Potatoes commercial live there
The most influential Canadians of the past decade, hands down!
10. It was the founding place of Canada
And ... Yup, that's about it!
The Top 10 Reasons To Live In Newfoundland
1. You can gossip in a secret language
Because no one in Canada can understand Newfie talk!
2. You don't have to be ashamed of being an alcoholic
The province is full of them!
3. Work days are about 2 hours long
4. There are more humpback whales than humans
They're a lot friendlier anyway!
5. You can be in two places at once
Because Newfoundland couldn't decide on a time zone!
6. Really tall, sharp rocks
To keep out the Nova Scotians!
7. Surplus of ice
Thanks to those giant ass icebergs!
8. It has an island inhabited by just dogs
You can save on your antidepressant prescriptions!
9. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
"I'm from Newfoundland!"
If the world ends, you'll still have cod!