Now before anybody chops my head off, let me just start this off by saying I would like to think I’m a fan of Riverdale. A lot of my childhood was spent reading Archie comics and cheering on Betty so when the Netlix series got announced I was SO excited… then I heard it was being produced by CW.
I still tune in and won’t say I actively hate the show, but if you are going to try and say you don’t cringe at least 3 times per episode you are a damn liar. In the spirit of the new season coming out though, let’s recap on why Riverdale is the worst but regardless we watch it anyway because trashy television is the best kind of television.
1. That Jughead scene.
Let’s start off with the worst, I just want to get it out of the way because even looking at this GIF just gives me second-hand embarrassment. Somebody actually wrote this script, had it proofread, and then Cole Sprouse AGREED to do this scene. Like this is a thing that HAPPENED. And then aired on TELEVISION.
2. Archie’s “music career.”
If Archie’s musician subplot doesn’t self-destruct in episode one of season 2 I am literally going to self-implode. Can someone explain the point of it apart from explaining how Archie was boning Ms. Grundy and that really awkward scene of Veronica and him singing at a random school concert? I honestly cannot deal with another scene where Jughead is literally talking about being homeless before Archie pulls up and randomly starts talking about struggling with "finding his sound."
3. Betty’s parents.
Is it just me or are Betty’s parents like… way too intense. Like I get it there was all of the drama with the grandparents and the "maple syrup drama" because yeah, Riverdale is that boring of a town that they collectively care that much about maple syrup. Regardless her parents need to chill and Hal needs to figure his shit out.
4. Archie: the fuckboy we don’t want to acknowledge.
At least Reggie is upfront about his douchebaggery. All we get from Archie is him moving from girl to girl each episode while being completely aloof to his fuck-boy antics, and a fuckboy who doesn't think he's a fuck boy is the worst kind of fuck boy.
Let's review Archie's antics in season 1 if you aren't convinced yet. After boning Ms. Grundy and basically getting her fired, he moved on to breaking Betty's heart (which I am STILL offended over), breaking up Josie and the Pussycats for a hot minute to conveniently date someone who would help him with his music before ditching for Veronica, and then returning to Betty after she is happy with Jughead!?
I forecast another 5983759834 relationships for Archie in season 2 mixed in with the return of Ms. Grundy because let's be real, it's CW and they are not letting a student/teacher relationship slip out of the plot that fast.
5. Jughead’s dad randomly being a gang member.
I can't find a GIF of Jughead's dad so let's just marvel at another scene of Jughead feeling bad for himself. I genuinely wish I could have sat in on the meeting where they were giving each Archie character a chip on their shoulder. “Ok Veronica’s getting daddy issues, Jughead’s dad is in a gang, Betty’s parents are garbage cans, Archie wants to be a singer (?) and Reggie is just going to stay an asshole.”
6. That club scene.
Don’t act like you don’t remember it, no matter how hard you might have tried to force that club scene out of your mind I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. I don’t think anybody ever has wanted to see Veronica dancing to what I’m assuming was the best copyright free club music their production team could afford at the time?
7. The random cheerleading subplot.
No offense but my Riverdale viewing experience would be 100x better if I didn't have to sit through those weird choreographed cheerleading routines.
8. Cheryl and Jason (WTF?????????)
Am I the only one who is seriously creeped out by the incestuous undertones in this show? Trust me CW, that element of the plot was not needed... like remotely.
9. Where is Reggie?
I just want to know why Ethel.. Ethel of all characters got more screen time than Reggie. For real though, he was so under the radar I can't even find a GIF of him of GIPHY for god's sake. IMO Veronica and Reggie are endgame and have been since forever. I am just hoping there's more of him in season 2 considering they just swapped out Ross Butler for another guy because apparently 13 Reasons Why needs a second season.. even though nobody asked for it.
10. Jughead's character in general.
Jughead. Is. So. Annoying. I get that everybody is one more Bughead scene from tattooing "BUGHEAD IS ENDGAME" on their foreheads but seriously, can we just talk about Jughead as if he was a real person for a second? He is constantly complaining but never wants anybody's help and has a serious case of lone-wolf syndrome even though all?? of his friends?? are there for him?? trying to help??? #BETTYDESERVESBETTER2K17
11. Cheryl Blossom's lips.
Listen, I just need to
destroy all of the Kylie lip kits this makeup artist owns and is tormenting Cheryl's face with talk with whoever is doing Cheryl's makeup for this show and suggest maybe not using Pennywise as a reference point for this poor girl's makeup.