Photo cred - The Star
If you're in a relationship, there's a good chance you're dating a sports fan. If you live in Toronto, there's a good chance you're head over heels for an emotional train wreck that's cried in your lap, thrown couch pillows at the TV set, and just may have a closer bond with the pizza delivery guy. You've seen them at their best - i.e. doing a commendable impression of Mark Messier in a old Lays commercial - but it's not enough to discard the fact you collectively named your new six-month-old puppy Sergei Berezin. You're stuck in a bad sports soap opera and regardless if you're a boy or a girl, these are struggles you know oh so well. P.S. Suck it Boston.
"We" Doesn't Mean "Us"
With relationships, you're bound to do everything together, but if you're involved with a sports fanatic, you'll often find yourself questioning what "we" refers to. They expect you to understand we doesn't necessarily mean you, even when they say "we did better than I expected", "we can't afford to do that", and of course, "we really need to work on things".
You Always Wake Up To The Sound Of TSN
As far as anyone's concerned, TSN has to be on the TV set from 7 a.m. to noon every single morning. There will be a lot of yelling and sarcastic muttering - every single morning - and It doesn't matter if SportsCentre is on a loop because as they'll protest, "I may have missed something!".
They Never Shut Up About Phil Kessel
Long live Philly Cheese. Toronto's split on how they feel about Kessel but as of now, he's the city's savior. If he's netting pucks and apples, sports crazies are happy. If he's in another one of his slumps, prepare for the fire and brimstone. Your significant other's mood swings are linked to Kessel's performances so one can only pray to the Leafs Gods that it doesn't affect what happens in bed.
Photo cred - Robert Manni
You Get Cheated On... With Fantasy Sports
Fun fact: they're not texting their side piece, they're just checking up on their fantasy sports teams and a million other things - lineup changes, standings, message board trash talk. It's all fun and games, even if they're not using emojis, but it's hard not to be jealous when she chooses to start Jonathan Bernier over you. Every single week.
The DVR Is Your New Best Friend
By now, you've probably found a few loopholes in the schedules of Toronto's pro sports teams, but it is as it's written - nothing else matters until the season is over. That includes Game Of Thrones, Mad Men, Girls, Scandal, Real World, and The Bachelor. These are complications that pretty much banish you to befriending your DVR or Netflix account, but hey, they deserve that final rose.
Pre-Game Rituals Are Actually A Thing
Unless you're content with how weird things can get, rituals should be left for the athletes. Society's okay with full-grown men wearing jerseys, singing fight songs, and even wearing a jockstrap that hasn't been washed for years, but it's different for women. They go the extra mile and you certainly have to question life whenever they break out a cardboard cut-out of Dion Phaneuf (true story).
There's Always An Excess Of Food (And People)
Your home literally turns into a feeding pen on the weekends because as your lovely admirer says, "c'monnnn, the big game!". If the place doesn't smell like buffalo wings and Coors Light, it reeks of an unusual smell thanks to your suggestion to tone down the junk and taste test healthier options - like garlic hummus and all-dressed kale chips. And to think, you thought residence was bad.
You're A Regular At Real Sports
Romantic dates with a Leafs/Raptors fan? Not going to happen, unless you count the Air Canada Centre's Real Sports Bar as the spitting image of a five-star restaurant that only takes reservations. It pretty much is in their eyes thanks to quesadilla sliders and Wino Wednesdays, but aside from the occasional celebrity sighting, you're trapped in a jocks-go-wild hellhole. And you're a regular.
Photo cred - The Star
Someone's Always Yelling...
Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, boys night, fight night, Super Bowl - someone's always yelling at something (rather than someone). It makes you question whether or not you're living with a grumpy 70-year-old head case that has Alzheimer's, but it's Toronto and losing is a regular occurrence.
...And Someone's Always Crying
It's a common action when playoffs are around and even though you're used to seeing your soulmate's tears flow after a crushing loss, you can't help but feel broken on the inside. They did everything. You did everything. Heck, we did everything. But you know the time will come when you get to witness tears of unbelievable joy and the sad part is - it won't be your wedding day.