Photo cred - Trevor_Hughes
Work life is a struggle. It requires waking up, being presentable, productive and such. Ew. Forget the fact that work isn't even an optional activity we can participate in on days we feel like it, but on top of all the work we're expected to do we have to also interact with others. Again, ew.
While interacting with people on a daily basis, you eventually meet certain types of people, types of Torontonians, if you will. Some you like more than others and we get it, we understand you Toronto, we're on your side.
The Trendy Torontonian
This is the co-worker you go to every time you need a restaurant recommendation or a new trendy bar to take a date. They were born and raised here and know the ins and outs of the city like no ones business (almost as well as Narcity does ;)). You can always count on this co-worker for the best coffee/lunch break outings. Sometimes you worry you're not cool enough and that they are judging you but you know you need them on your side so you accept it.
The Small Town Over Achiever
The STOA recently moved to the big city from some middle-of-nowhere town, Bradford or something, and they can't wait to prove themselves worthy. They are always the first to get there and the last to leave, They dislocate their shoulder every time the boss asks someone for a favour by throwing their arm up in such a violent fit. You kinda love them, in a cute helpless, puppy sorta way, keep doing you STOA, keep doing you.
The Hangover Hustla
A regular modern day hero in your eyes. You admire them, you want to learn from them, you wish you were them because they have mastered the art of coming to work hungover. This co-worker manages to have a social event to attend every night of the damn week and you know it isn't any of this designated driver BS, yet they manage to come in every damn morning looking more put together than you- curse them!
Pretty self-explanatory, you know who they are, everyone knows who they are and at this point everyone has given up on giving a shit. They need a coffee break every 30 minutes, which really just means they're bored and need to go see what everyone else is up too. They have notepads full of doodles and strange gadgets all over their desk. They're also really good at making it look like they actually did work, even though everyone knows that is definitely not the case.
The Office Gossip
The real-life tabloid of your office. If someone gets fired this is the co-worker you go to for the details, if someone hooks up in the supply closet they are the one to text you, they are the one to give you "that look" that immediately signifies to you that they've got some dirt to share with you. You seriously have no idea how one person can know so many secrets but hey you're not about to turn down a good water cooler story.
The Bad Influence
The day after you start your diet, the bad influence "forgets" their lunch and starts brainstorming where they're going to pick up a burrito for lunch. "So should I go to Z-teca or Chipotle for lunch today?" and it isn't long before your homemade salad starts to look like absolute garbage. Fuck it, I'll start my clean-eats tomorrow, what time are we leaving?
Satan in the flesh. This co-worker is the one who always manages to make themselves look like employee of the freakin' month but the reality is they don't do shit, except delegate their tasks like they're the boss of the universe. What needs to happen is everyone needs to boycott Satan's orders and then accidentally tell the boss "I'm just really swamped, I won't be able to get those tasks that -insert name of demon here- gave me." Take that you sneaky douchelord.
The Fridge Thief
We once saw a paper note stuck to an office fridge that perfectly summed this particular
asshole co-worker up perfectly. It was a photo of that band Magic and it said in massive bold print 'Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm hungry too!' Like straiiiiiiiight up. Don't eat other people's shit because that makes you such a mega prick and we all remember what happened in that episode of Friends when someone ate Ross' sandwich.
You know that one person in the office who feels no shame in blasting their embarrassing music choices? Or who you are sure must be the loudest talker on planet earth? Or who doesn't see the problem with leaving their phone on full ring volume? Yeah that person, god they suck. They take up your whole day with jokes or stories that they find so hilarious but are so unbelievably irrelevant to your life. We are so uninterested in what you have to say, we're just trying to make it through another work week.
Photo cred - Thien-Kim L
The Space Case
This person is usually related to someone in management or someone who isn't stuck working with them every day. They fuck up royally at least 12 times per week, ranging from accidentally deleting the spreadsheet to leaving their popcorn in the microwave for over 5 minutes, almost burning the place down. They're offices are messy and unorganized and 9 out of 10 times you do not understand a single thing they pitch, they are so far up in the clouds. The up side to this co-worker is how dayum appealing they make you look.
The Aspiring Something or Other
This is Toronto, chances are incredibly high that someone you work with is in-between jobs on their way to landing a role in a pilot filming in the city or touring as an opening act for a major band. You don't particularly care what auditions they have lined up or call backs they've gotten but you're smart enough to be nice to them in case they do catch a big break and can one day save you from the horrors of your job. Unlikely, but you can dream.
The Hockey Pool Organizer
Without fail, the mass emails start trickling in every September from this co-worker. This person is also interchangeable with the group lotto organizer and perpetual bet maker. They organize fantasy leagues and rub their stats in your face all season long, completely sucking any last ounce of fun out of the whole thing.
The Perpetual Ass Kisser
This may speak to many different types of co-workers but we are referring to the hard core, relentless brown-noser. They are so far up the boss' ass that the boss is considering a restraining order. Before you all get your panties in a bunch, there is nothing wrong with being a go-getter, however, there is a major difference between going above and beyond your work and offering to wipe your boss' ass, you're smart, figure it out.
The Know-it-All Douche Lord
Has a god damn answer for everything and wants to challenge you on every single freakin' statement you ever make. "It is freezing out there today," is met with a "yeah, well yesterday was 0.0004% colder so it can't be that bad" You can't help but laugh at this point because you are embarrassed for his/her big mouth. You've mastered the sassy eye roll and moved on with your life.
Photo cred - ognialbahaisuoidubbi
Never cracks a smile, doesn't socialize with other employees at all and more often than not has a snarky comment or snicker for any and all other office conversation topics. Like, why so cynical there grumps? You live in a terrific city and you have a steady job, perk the eff up.