So you know how there’s theories on the stages of development? Whether it’s cognitive, behavioural, or social; pretty much any way you can advance as a human someone in a lab coat has slapped their name on a theory for the way we awkwardly go through life. Well as far as I’m concerned no one has gone through the stages of realizing how rachet you were the night before. Hold on people, shit’s gonna be scientific.
Because we’re still waiting on the trademark approval, take this as the unofficial stages of finding out what went down the night before. We’ve all been there. It’s the morning after a good night out (as proven by the smuged eyeliner and smuged stamp from a club or two) and some variation of “what the f*ck happened?!” comes out of your mouth as you check your texts. Not exactly Maslow’s hierarchy, but we still think that this emotional pattern of realization is a pretty reliable indicator you had a kick ass night.
1. Am I Alive? // Physical Stability
Ah yes, it’s like the fog clearing from the haze of Whiskey Sours to slowly reveal the lake after the storm. Except that that lake feels like it’s covered in white caps and you’re the sad little tin boat that forget to check the weather that morning. Long story short? The hangover is kicking in and your first stage of realizing what you did is trying to figure out if you’re alive.
2. What the actual f*ck // Shock
Bless social media that can remind you of every moment of your night from that all too innocent shot at the pre to the sobering poutine you passed out in. This is the phase where you see your absurdly long snap story (that of course feature a minimum of 4 videos of you making a pouting face while twerking), you see your texts to your ex sent at 3am, and obviously you have at least 5 new Instagram followers you can only hope are the girls you met in the bathroom. You’re to blinded by the left over makeup though to actually understand what you did, so no emotional pain yet.
3. That wasn't me // Denial
No you did not do pose on the firemans pole in your last Instagram. The texts flood in with each bing a new story of something you claim could not have been you. Thoughts may include, but aren’t limited too- do I have a twin I don’t know about? I don’t even like Celine Dion I don’t know why I would have sung My Heart Will Go On out of my Uber!
4. Pics or it didn't happen // Acceptance
The Facebook photos are up. You’re getting congratulation texts from your squad about the hot tinder hook up you managed to scope out at Pizza Pizza. You turn those embarrassing moments into beacons of your awesome self and give yourself a little pat on the back for pulling that off and still managing to get back home.
5. The brunch and b*tch // Debrief
A true night isn’t complete without a brunch. You and your squad go puffy eyed and sunglass covered to one of these places and order mimosas (easy on the OJ). Details come out over your eggs benny that you may not have heard about your brief #tbt stop at Gracies. Possible chance for a denial phase until you see your friends snap story- yes. Yes that was you on the bar.
6. Well I still looked hot AF // STRUT
You find a flattering photo from the pre, slap a dope filter on it, and delete any snapchat story with the caption “LIT”. You’re owning it now and planning your next night out. NO RAGRETS!
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