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An Open Letter To The One Who Has Everything I Could Ever Want

To the one who has everything I could ever want:

Hi.

You don't know me. We've never met before and we don't know the same people, but somehow I feel connected to you; even if just empathetically.

I only found out about you recently, but you've already affected me in more ways than I can count. I was perfectly fine before I knew you existed — I envisioned a goal, devised a plan, and was ready to go through with it all; even if I knew it was going to be a long shot.

But then, I came across your name... and that's all it took to sink any inkling of hope I still had into a deep, dark abyss.

You did nothing wrong, but I still can't help but feel bitter towards you. In fact, I envy you so much it's pathetic. You have everything I could ever want. Everything.

And the truth is, everything that I could ever want is actually not a lot. I just want one thing, and one thing only: her.

I've actually wanted it for so long. I've never been the type of person to genuinely care about someone else more than myself. But it felt different with her. I wanted to put her before myself. After years of thinking there was no one out there for me, she enters my world. I spent month after month trying to get to know her better. We shared laughs, texts and meaningful conversations. I thought we were headed somewhere amazing... Until she spoke your name.

In all that time that I was chasing her, she was chasing you. While I was daydreaming about her, she was daydreaming about you. For a short while, I hated her. I hated you. I hated myself. I misread everything... and yet, after it all, I still want her.

I realize just how selfish that is of me. You're both happy together, and I should just accept that. But every time I try to move on, thoughts of what could have been force their way back into my mind; haunting me and bringing me all the way back to square one. In every photo she posts, I imagine myself in your place. All the sweet things she says about you, I imagine she's saying about me. It's a tortuous cycle that I just can't seem to get out of.

When all is said and done, I'm the only person to blame for this emptiness I feel. It was my choice to cling to an illusion even though I knew it was a dangerous thing to do. It seduced me into setting unrealistic expectations that left me devastated...

...unsettled...

...broken...

...absolutely wrecked.

At this point, all I can do is try to take this experience as a lesson learned. If there's anything I can take comfort in, it's knowing that she's at least happy. I just hope you know how extremely lucky you are that she chose you. 

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