Here's The Ultimate Guide To Taking A Non-Terrifying Dick Pic

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Here's The Ultimate Guide To Taking A Non-Terrifying Dick Pic

Dick pics: chances are you've received one, sent one, or have had a traumatic experience regarding one.

I'm going to be real, dick pics are not always the way to somebody's heart, or their bedroom (I know, shocker).  These types of pictures can easily make or break (emphasis on break) your relationship with somebody, so a little thought before hitting send will definitely go a long way.

For those of you who are contemplating a photo shoot with your mini-me in your near future, please for the sake of all innocent and hopefully not unknowing recipients, read, memorize,  and live by the list below.

1. Know your timing

Nobody want's to check their phone during a 9 AM lecture to see a blurry picture of a raging boner. Be aware of what your recipient is doing or where they are before hitting send. If you don't know whether or not that person is showing their aunt a picture of their dog on Instagram, you should not be sending that photo. Not only will Aunt Edna be seeing a lot more of you than you had ever planned, but now your recipient now has to explain why the hell they are receiving a boner blast during the middle of the day. Stick to later in the day, or times where you know your recipient is alone.

2. Please don't include another object to give us an idea of size

Realistically, I'm not impressed that your dick is the length of 4 AA batteries. Even if it was the length of 10 I would still be weirded out. This tactic makes you seem insecure, and like you put way too much thought into the photo. All we are going to imagine after we receive this photo is you running around your apartment holding your dick up to your shampoo bottle, blue tooth speaker, and breath mint tin in order to figure out which inanimate object makes you look the biggest.

3. Consider your background

A family portrait or a dirty toilet is probably the least sexy thing that can accompany your dick in a photo!

4. Do some pre-photo shoot manscaping

This can only help your situation. Yes, it may take a bit of effort, and I'm not saying you have to be completely hairless. But if you're going to send a photo, why not make yourself look as put together as possible. Show the recipient that you put a little bit of effort it, it can go a long way.

5. Don't overthink your angles

Yeah, you might look a little better when you're angled 80 degrees to the left and flexing the shit out of your arm, but be aware that things can look really awkward, really quickly. Don't over think it, you're likely just sending a 4-second Snapchat anyways.

6. Filters are not necessary

There is no need to upload your picture into vsco cam, your dick pic does not need to match your aesthetic, unless of course, that's what you're into. Although, I can pretty much confirm that a valencia filter will not give you another half inch.

7.  Don't expect any photos in return

Don't go into this thinking that if you send a photo, your recipient absolutely has to send you one back. THIS IS NOT A THING. And if you get sent a photo, never feel obligated to reciprocate. If you want to send a naked photo of yourself, get that good lighting and do your thing. But if you don't that's absolutely okay as well.

8. Be absolutely sure the person you're sending this photo to actually wants to receive it

I cannot reiterate this enough!


You never know who might get offended by this type of photo. Even if you think it's something super casual, the other person could be on a completely different page. So I advise you to make sure the person actually wants to receive these type of photos before hitting send.

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