Photo cred - andrerehal
The TTC is a nightmare on most days. Whether it be those bloody streetcars moving 2km an hour in the blistering heat or yet another subway delay with a courtesy bus shuttle service, Torontonians encounter transit problems on a daily basis.
It's a war out there really, especially at peak times and centre stations. And everyone deals with the chaos a little differently. Some offer up their seats for the elderly or pregnant. Some do not.
The Stair Pusher
It's that moment when you hear the subway coming (gods know if it's your direction or not) and you are at the top of a set of stairs that is completely crowded with people. You'll never make it you think to yourself. There is no way. But the stair pusher does not let notions of defeat stop them but instead decides to mercilessly hurl themselves down the staircase at lighting speed, risking other peoples safety. The stair pusher usually approaches from behind with a firm yet subtle shoulder push, often stepping on the backs of heels and is typically wearing ear buds and looks oddly calm for someone who recklessly endangering the lives of others.
The Guy Who Sits Beside You Yet There Are Plenty Of Empty Seats Everywhere
This fucking guy. Boy do I have a couple of things I want to say to him. And by say I mean yell in his fucking face SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE YOU DUMB IGNORANT FUCK.
The Little Old Lady Holding Everybody Up
Can usually be found at the front of a busy streetcar at rush hour. Watching this women get off the streetcar is a painful ordeal. There are about 50 people behind her waiting to get off and about 50 people in front of her waiting to get on. She usually has one or two bags because apparently her immobility doesn't stop her from going everywhere. The tension is palpable, mostly because there is enough space to squeeze by her but hey now that would just be rude. Look Lorraine I'm sorry you have no hip but you know that's really not MY problem.
The Body Checker
Okay this person is just looking for fights. All of the anger that has ever accumulated in his or her existence is expressed through ruthlessly cutting people off on subway platforms. A good cut off is like pay day for this power walking slightly terrifying human being. Usually the body checker singles out slow walkers and selects them as their target. The body checker works optimally with a purse to ensure the body check is less obvious. Ideally their target is standing between them and the exit, body checker assumes position and whacks said target clear out of the way as they are getting off the subway, this way they never have to meet again. A win.
The Women With The Stroller & All Those Kids Eating KFC (Possibly Popeyes)
One often wonders how this women actually made it onto the TTC with all those children, strollers, food, soothers, broken dreams, etc. There is usually two children per one seat and all of the children stare at you blankly and unflinchingly as if you were an alien of the weirdest kind. This women operates in constant "scold" mode. The entire ride she is chastising the children for eating their chicken nuggets the wrong way. When a seat frees up you get up and move away from the children.
Photo cred - thomasventuriphotography
The Homeless Man Who Wants To Play You A Song On His Harmonica
He usually announces his harmonica request to the entire streetcar and whether or not you say yes or rather anything at all the homeless man continues in his oblivious glory. It's incredible awkward for everyone except him and very small children. The song isn't very good, its tacky, and no one wants to speak, we're all tired and we want to go home and we all just pretend that this isn't happening.
This is 2014 I have my iPhone to talk to thank you very much. But seriously, you're on the subway, you're listening to music, feeling the zen, and you notice hey this guys mouth is moving and he is making eye contact with me. Oh great. He's talking to me. Does he not notice I have headphones in? The rule with headphones is unless there is a major detour or life or death emergency never ever talk to someone who has headphones in. Why? Because they don't want to talk to you idiot they want to listen to music. Duh.
This women is getting on the subway and/or streetcar. It doesn't matter if there is no space, it doesn't matter if the driver is saying "no stay back", this lady is getting on and nothing and no one can stop her. For whatever reason we always seem to be on this ladies side. Her perseverance is something to be admired and her ability to squeeze into spaces that don't exist is truly a marvel to watch. She remains calm under pressure, she is the distant cousin of stair pusher.
The Person Walking On The Wrong Side Of The Stairs/Escalator
Seriously what is the thought process of this person? The only possible explanation is blindness, however 99.99 % of the time this person is not blind and appears to be a fully functioning human being with all their faculties in good condition. Can be any size or shape, this person gives the outward impression of normalcy, however me and everybody else know this person is anything but normal. Maybe they missed kindergarten, maybe that's why the most basic, easy to follow instructions evade them. Idiots.
The Line Cutter
Usually this person arrives on the scene when there is some sort of massive TTC delay resulting in a huge wait time. Everyone is hot and sweaty and angry and now being forced into a line-up to wait for a bus that may or may not be coming. The audacity of this person blows everyones mind to the point where no one can even work up the courage to confront them. This person is found somewhere at the front of the line, a little off to the side, playing on a mobile device perhaps so they appear distracted. The bus arrives and they shuffle on, cutting millions of people off. (This is the same person that doesn't wait for people to get off the subway before getting on)