Sorry mom, apparently I'm a criminal. Funny thing is, every person reading this article probably is too. But it's okay, something tells me the Boston police will look the other way to these unlawful acts we've unknowingly committed.

You may be thinking, "No, no, no - I'm an angel, I've never done anything illegal in my life." Well, I hate to break it to you, but according to some obscure Massachusetts laws, you actually have.

And if by the end of this list you can still say you've never committed a crime, please, PLEASE, send me a copy of your bathing prescription (*refer to #6).

Tomatoes cannot be used in the production of clam chowder.

Well, duh, Manhattan clam chowder is gross and shouldn't be in existence.


It is illegal to snore unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

Sir, you are under arrest for having nasal blockage.


In Boston, playing the fiddle is banned.

How dare you try and play that lovely music.


Goatees are prohibited (unless you've paid the special goatee license fee).

Sorry, hipsters, pay up.


It's against the law to go to bed without having a full bath.

I should probably be on America's Most Wanted list.


But it's also against the law to bathe without a prescription from your doctor.

Well, which one is it.


It's illegal for women to be on top during any sexual activity.

No comment.


Women also may not wear heels taller than 3 inches while on the Boston common.

Guess you'll have to find a new route to work.


If you've ever eaten more than 3 sandwiches at a wake, you've broken the law.

The deceased would be ashamed.


It's illegal to scare a pigeon.

Because what did that pigeon ever do to you???


Swearing is prohibited inside city limits.

Well, shit.


The worst of all: alcoholic drink specials are illegal.

Seriously Boston, WTF.

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