If Canadian cities had dating app profiles, what would they say? As it turns out, probably way too much. Every city has its own personality, its own delusions, and its own very specific way of making a first impression.
And if you've ever used Hinge — or God forbid, Tinder — in Canada, you already know some of them would be much worse than others.
If our cities could date, here's what their profiles would say.
Toronto
👨 Jordan
🎂 38
📏 6 FT (with boots on)
🎓 Western
💼 Private Wealth Management (don't worry, I'll explain it over drinks)
🏠 Oakville
📍Bloor St
When I need advice, I go to...the gym. Because the only person in control of my thoughts and mind is me.
Let's make sure we're on the same page about...your daily calorie intake. I’m here to build an empire, and I need a woman who understands that. I want someone who is fit, low-maintenance, and feminine, who can hold her own socially, support my vision, and eventually raise a family. If that sounds intense, you're probably not my person. If I'm not attracted to you, I will cheat. With the only other woman who works at my office. I will control all our finances, so good luck leaving when you find out.
The best way to ask me out is by...perfecting your elevator pitch 😉.
Vancouver
👩 Amanda
🎂 29
📏 5 ft 9
🎓 UBC
💼 Marketing
🏠 Burnaby
📍Yaletown
The best way to ask me out is by... casually mentioning you just started working for your Dad in real estate development.
The first round is one me if... you stole my wallet.
My self-care routine is... hitting a morning Lagree West class before my remote job starts, picking up breakfast from Body Energy Club, walking my daschund on the seawall in my Lulus, and then doomscrolling TikToks about "being in my feminine".
My mantra is... "I don't chase, I attract".
Montreal
👩 Zoe
🎂 26
📏 5 FT 4
🎓 Concordia
💼 Graphic Designer for SSENSE
🏠 Vancouver
📍Mile End
Worst idea I've ever had... thinking if I started vaping I'd stop smoking. Now, I just do both.
I hype myself up by... creeping my ex's new GF on my friend group's shared burner account and gagging at her Aritzia co-ords.
My therapist would say I... look for emotionally unavailable men because I am emotionally unavailable. Men think I'm mysterious, but really I just hate them — especially the "nice guys" for whom I have no respect. I have not forgiven my father for walking out on us. I should start doing EMDR. But I'll probably just do a sheet mask instead.
Ottawa
👩 Emily
🎂 36
📏 5 ft 2
🎓 McGill (BA Political Science), UOttawa (Master's in Law)
💼 Policy Advisor
🏠 Kingston
📍Parliament Hill
Dating me is like... dating Hillary Clinton.
Together we could... have the most judgmental car rides home, critiquing every couple we know, even though we haven't slept in the same bed in decades.
Let's debate this topic... whether Canada's carbon tax was ever a serious climate policy tool, or whether it was always doomed to fail in a country where affordability concerns will beat environmental idealism every time.
Edmonton
👨 Tyler
🎂 27
📏 5 FT 9
🎓 School of Hard Knocks (who needs a degree when you're on your way to the NHL?).
💼 Bartender / Electrician
🏠 Edmonton
📍Edmonton
My cry in the car song is... "Creep" by Radiohead. Obviously.
Best travel story... being detained by the Yellowknife police. On purpose.
I bet you can't... fix me. I'll introduce anyone to my mom, so don't read into it.
Calgary
👨 Darren
🎂 59 (looks 52 because of the facelift)
📏 5 FT 12
🎓 Life
💼 "Entrepreneur"
🏠 Red Deer
📍Bel-Aire
Change my mind about... the pipeline.
Worst idea I've ever had... getting married. Twice.
My simple pleasures are... going to church, then to Cactus Club to tip my server girlfriend and her friends 500% cash, flying them all to Cabo on my PJ, and hopefully setting up my divorced buddies. O.K. fine, separated. O.K. fine, married — but they're not happy about it.
Chad Kroeger will be meeting us there.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
