I've been to Las Vegas several times over the years, so I thought I knew exactly what to expect from Sin City.
My most recent trip was this summer for one of my best friend's weddings, which took place at (wait for it) a drive-thru chapel. If that doesn't scream Vegas, I don't know what does.
But when I saw a new ranking naming Las Vegas one of the 10 best cities in America, I had questions.
Don't get me wrong: Vegas is fun. I've had some great nights there, spent several hundred dollars learning that I am terrible at roulette and apparently enjoyed myself enough to keep going back.
But one of America's best cities? After my latest trip, I'm still not convinced — and here's why.
Las Vegas is living off it's reputation
When I think of Las Vegas, I think of the three S's: Showgirls, Sinatra and the Strip. It's a city that built one of the strongest brands in America, selling a version of itself that's equal parts glamour, excess and old-school cool.
The problem is, whoever said "Viva Las Vegas" was a liar. Because that Vegas is dead.
Modern-day Las Vegas isn't the glamorous playground of the Rat Pack era. It's less Old Hollywood and more theme park for adults.
The neon signs are still glowing, the Bellagio fountains are still dancing, and people are still getting married. But look a little closer, and the fantasy starts to crack. The bulbs are burnt, F1 grandstands are blocking the view, and the bride is missing a shoe.
The Strip is crowded, construction seems endless, and everything feels designed to separate you from as much money as possible.
Sure, you might catch a celeb sipping champagne at a hotel bar. But you're far more likely to see a frat boy drinking an alcoholic blue slushy from a plastic leg in fishnets outside the Rainforest Cafe.
Expectation: Sinatra and Elvis
Reality: Pitbull ft. Marc Anthony
The luxury ends at the check-in desk
Las Vegas hotels are masters of the first impression. From the outside, they're spectacular: dancing fountains, glowing marquees and enough lights to be seen from space. But once you make it through the lobby and into your room, the fantasy is dead.
Maybe I watched too many movies, but I expected kitschy Vegas hotel rooms with heart-shaped beds, Jacuzzi tubs and enough velvet to make Elvis proud.
Instead, finding a hotel room that doesn't look like a Holiday Inn without spending a small fortune feels like an impossible task.
For a city built on excess, the rooms can feel surprisingly... ordinary. Millennial grey floors. Questionable carpets. Lighting that makes you wish you'd never looked in a mirror.
Do I recommend bringing a black light?
Absolutely not.
Expectation: Five-star Las Vegas luxury
Reality: Millennial grey and eau de antiseptic
You'll leave broke
The house always wins. Which is just code for: you always lose.
It took me a while to accept that it doesn't matter how many times I watch Ocean's 11 or 21 — I am not good at roulette. In fact, I'm actually quite bad. And by "a while," I mean several hundred dollars I'll never get back.
Sure, flights to Las Vegas can be surprisingly affordable. It's everything after you land that's the problem.
Everything in Vegas is designed to separate you from your money — preferably while you're drunk, just to make the process quick and dirty (pun intended).
Between resort fees, taxis, overpriced cocktails, parking, $11 bottles of water and casino floors the size of football fields with bathrooms you will NEVER find, the spending never stops.
And if you think you can game the system by going to Vegas and simply not spending money, I'm here to tell you: you can't.
The Las Vegas Strip isn't built for wandering into a local cafe or finding a cheaper alternative around the corner. It's like every casino had an HOA meeting and collectively decided what a bottle of water should cost.
And when it's 110 degrees outside, and you're surrounded by casinos, escape starts to feel less like an option.
Expectation: A cheap weekend getaway
Reality: Living in Klarna captivity for the next 12 to 18 months
It feels like everywhere but Nevada
One of the things I love most about travelling is getting a sense of place. You eat the local food. Wander the neighbourhoods. Discover the cafés, bars and bookstores that make a city feel like itself.
Las Vegas doesn't really have that. It's trying to be everywhere, and it ends up feeling like nowhere.
You can see the Eiffel Tower, ride through Venice, walk past New York, eat at a restaurant that started in Los Angeles, grab a Starbucks and finish the night at a chain you've probably already been to back home.
That's probably why every trip to Las Vegas starts to feel the same. Once you've been once, you've kind of been a hundred times.
I don't leave feeling like I've experienced Nevada. I leave feeling like I've experienced the world's biggest food court.
Expectation: Around the world in 80 days
Reality: A passport with no stamps
And yet...
Despite everything I've said, I get why people love Las Vegas.
It's one of the few places where you can be a messy b*tch one night — and show your face the next morning without shame. Guilty as charged.
And for all the ways Vegas borrows from everywhere else, that's also part of its appeal. Not everyone has the time or money to fly to Paris, Venice and New York. Vegas gives you a wildly over-the-top, slightly cheesy taste of all three in one weekend.
There's always something to do, nobody expects you to behave yourself, and subtlety has never been part of the sales pitch.
Do I think it's one of America's best cities? Still no.
But after writing this article and scrolling through my camera roll looking at photos from Vegas, do I low-key want to go back?
Unfortunately, yes.
Final verdict: Long gone are the days of Sinatra. These days in Vegas, you're guaranteed to see more ass than class. Literally. It's the land of the free and the home of spandex booty shorts before breakfast. But hey, you might just like it.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
