9 extremely Canadian red flags I watch out for as a single girl in the Great White North
Over the years, I've kept a running list of red flags when it comes to dating.
For example, don't trust a man over 6 feet 5 inches. Are you in the NBA? No? Then you have no business ducking under doorframes and seeing over the cubicles at your telemarketing job.
In my travels, I've come to find there are some uniquely red and non-height-related flags when it comes to dating in the 51st state (laugh with me so we don't cry).
Here are a few of my favourites — and I'm sorry in advance, I know #6 is gonna ruffle some feathers.
You have to do long distance for his hockey career
I have one too many friends who have fallen prey to the old long-distance relationship while he pursues his dreams in JHL? You know the one — where they skip college, live in rural Alberta for 9 months, and FT you in between practice and the bar.
Dating a man pursuing a career in the NHL is like waiting for a soldier to come home from war. Will he make it? Probably not. And if he does...did he cheat on you? Without a shadow of a doubt.
And if you're a hockey bro commenting "not all men cheat", you're probably that man.
Uses the bad weather as an excuse to "Netflix and Chill"
This and "let me cook for you" are my two favourite f*ckboy power moves. Because on one hand, is it romantic? Yeah, kind of. But on the other hand, is it also secretly lazy and presumptuous? Most definitely.
Save for three months out of the year, we have harsh conditions out here. Canadians don't have the luxury of letting the bad weather determine our fate. I'm from Vancouver, where it rains (ballpark) 190 days of the year... and we have the GOOD weather in this country. We can't be letting the weather dictate our dates, OK?
Gentlemen, get your Canada Goose and a 4WD and take us out to Cactus Club! It's simple.
Refers to Toronto as "the 6ix" in real life
God, please, no. Don't do it. It's making me think you're gonna drive me to Chester Hill Lookout at night, gesture to the skyline, and tell me "everything the light touches is your kingdom".
I would actually bet Drake has done that. Many times.
Doesn't have a Canadian accent
I live in the US now, and I gotta say — I didn't know I missed the Canadian accent until I came home for the holidays. I went to a dive bar with some friends to play pool and was overwhelmed by the mass of men in flannels, quadruple-fisting Molson's, while the boys screamed, "What a beauty, eh?" at a very mediocre shot.
After having the chats with a few dudes in trucker hats, I realized I missed having a conversation where every sentence spoken somehow sounds like a question. There's something so refreshing and down-to-earth about a Canadian man at a bar who isn't afraid of giving a bit of backcountry.
If he doesn't have an accent, he probably calls Toronto the New York of Canada. Crimson flag!
Still goes to the Calgary Stampede with his boys after 30
Western boots and day drinking until blackout? Fine when you're 20. Pushing it at 25. Will not be getting a text back at 30.
If you are a woman pulling this stunt, it's actually more of a red flag than a dude. Gents, fight the urge to reply to her story with the 🔥 emoji. It will only lead to heartbreak in the end.
Can perfectly colour Nunavut on a map
Remember in elementary school when we had to colour a map of Canada in history class? Of course you do. Because it was a nightmare. For those of us who could even spell "Saskatchewan," we couldn't fit all the letters in the tiny outline of the province. And it took us 1,000 hours to shade in all that is Nunavut.
If he pulled both those impossible missions off? He is not normal. He is far too patient and precise. Beware.
Joined a Frat in Uni (in Canada)
Frats are not something we do here.
We have them (sometimes), but joining one feels like a cry for help. A bad post-high school rebrand. First of all, we don't even have the "Greek Row" houses you see in movies. So there's no point. Are you just living in a dorm room and paying for friends? Don't do that.
Just get too drunk in the comfort of your own neighbourhood bar and make friends in the smoking section like a normal person.
Do we still have smoking sections, or does everyone vape now? Am I old? Maybe. But at least I'm not in a frat.
Can't install a shelf in your house
I'm convinced every man between Alberta and Saskatchewan owns power tools and knows how to use them. Hot.
I have yet to meet someone in Vancouver or Toronto under 35 who owns a StudFinder. Not.
A man who doesn't have an intimate relationship with Home Depot gives me the ick. I cannot be calling my Dad every time I need to do a completely unnecessary and doomed renovation I saw on TikTok. And if I do it myself, I am never getting my deposit back.
If you are a woman who knows how to renovate, good for you. Don't brag about it in the comments. We don't need your pick-me energy right now. And also, are you free on Friday?
Pro Tip: Home Depot > Hinge. 10/10 place to get picked up by men. Not another woman in sight for miles.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
