Dr. Jess debunked some of the most common myths about STIs, from shame to how often you should really be getting tested and how you can continue living a full life with an STI.
So in case, you've ever wondered about sexual health and how to handle STIs in your sexual life, from how to disclose your status to a partner or deal with a diagnosis – look no further.
What are the most common STI myths?
"I think it's that you're going to know if you have an STI, right? So we know that the most common symptom of STIs is often no symptom at all," said Dr. Jess.
So if your barometer for whether or not you're sexually healthy downstairs is just basing it on if everything feels normal – you might want to rethink your methods.
According to Lovehoney, 65% of STIs are non-symptomatic, so unless you're actively getting tested, you may not even know you're carrying an infection.
Dr. Jess says the second largest myth is that getting an STI diagnosis is "catastrophic" or "life-ending."
"The reality is, is that you can cure bacterial STIs, and you can treat viral STIs," she said.
Dr. Jess says that the big message they are trying to get out into the world is to test for STIs because ignoring them can cause infertility, cardiovascular and neurological issues and a high risk of pregnancy complications.
"If you just test for the bacterial ones, you're just taking a pill. Like it's easier to cure than the common cold. The common ones like chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea are curable with simple antibiotics."
"We created this culture of shame where we are more afraid of a positive diagnosis and a few pills than we are of just acknowledging the long-term health consequences."
How often should you get tested for STIs?
Two people sitting in a doctors office.
There isn't a universal answer for how often you should be getting tested for STI, according to Dr. Jess.
"Your health care provider should be asking the right questions to determine your risk. To determine how often you should get tested," she explained.
"If you are 40 years old and you have one sexual partner, the testing routine regiment is going to be different than if you're 22 and you average three sex partners a year."
Dr. Jess says the frequency of your testing is linked to your risk, so may want to get tested when you change sexual partners or every year on your birthday.
If you're in a monogamous relationship, your health care provider may recommend less testing, but according to Dr. Jess, it's still important to get tested even in a committed relationship.
"I think it's super important to remember that data for STI rates are similar for those in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships, and that is because monogamous relationships can be monogamous in title but not monogamous in practice."
Dr. Jess also says it's wise to consider going on PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) depending on your healthcare provider's recommendation.
PrEP is a drug that can lower your chances of contracting HIV if taken as prescribed, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
How should you talk to your partner about STI testing?
A man texting on his phone.
Dr. Jess says you should treat the STI talk like small talk and that no matter how long you've been sleeping with someone, it's never too late to bring up getting tested together.
Although the sooner you bring it up, the better.
When it comes to how to approach the topic, Dr. Jess suggests you share your own status and share when the last time you were tested for STIs before asking them.
"I think it can be very disarming to say, 'I get tested every six months, or I was tested three weeks ago. How about you?' So I'm not saying I'm concerned about my safety. I'm saying I'm concerned about both of our statuses and both of our safeties."
But whether you're having sex with a new or old partner, Dr. Jess says you can bring up STI testing any time.
"You can say like 'That felt hot. I really should have brought this up sooner. But should we talk about STI testing again? So when were you last tested?' It doesn't feel like an accusation. You can also offer to go get tested together."
How should you handle an STI diagnosis?
Dr. Jess says a big part of dealing with shame around STIs is finding community and realizing that you're not alone in your experience.
She recommends the podcast SOMETHING POSITIVE + FOR POSITIVE PEOPLE, where the hosts interview people who have been impacted by STI stigma in hopes of normalizing the conversation.
"I can tell you this as a sexologist that people email me all the time with these like deep dark secrets that they've been carrying for 20, 30, 40 years, and my first response is, 'Oh, this again?' right, like you think that you're the only one dealing with something and so many people around you are dealing with it."
She says the next step is finding people in your life who can be part of your support system, whether this is a family member, friend or significant other, she recommends talking about your diagnosis since shame breeds in secrecy.
"As soon as you tell someone, and they're probably going to say like, 'Oh, that happened to me or that happened to my friend or I have another friend who's dealing with this,' there's just this weight that's lifted off your chest."
If you don't have anyone close to you you can confide in Dr. Jess recommends seeking out a counsellor or a therapist to share how you are feeling.
How to find a sex-positive health provider?
A man meeting with a doctor.
Dr. Jess says that she finds Queer communities are more inclusive and sex-positive since they have already dealt with being stigmatized.
Although she does recognize that finding any family doctor or health care provider can be a challenge.
"I'd love to say you should interview your health care practitioner to make sure they're a fit for you, but I know the reality that most of us are begging for a family doctor."
Dr.n Jess says that if your family doctor isn't ideal, you can also turn to community resources and maybe go to a community health care clinic.
Can you have a healthy sex life with an STI?
What sex acts you're able to perform will depend on your viral load, according to Dr. Jess, but the main point to know is that you can still have a full life full of pleasure.
"The number one thing is to know that you are entitled to love, pleasure and respect because a lot of what comes with being diagnosed with an STI is the result of stigma that we start to feel unworthy, and we start to feel lucky that someone's into us when in fact you are as worthy, as lovable as deserving of pleasure."
Dr. Jess says the first step to having a healthy sex life is getting to know your own body after your diagnosis.
"I think we need to start with ourselves first, and that might involve in practical terms of just getting to know your own body and getting to understand what you're actually into, what feels good for you," she continued.
Dr. Jess says the next step is being able to communicate that and your STI status to a partner and understand that they are allowed to have their own feelings about the situation.
When it comes to disclosing your STI status to a new partner, Dr. Jess suggests you do it in a way that makes you comfortable, whether that's in a public setting or over text messages or through a voice note.
"I don't think that there's a single right way. I also think that we have to tell ourselves that it actually doesn't need to be a big deal. And if it's a big deal to them, they might not be the right fit for us," said Dr. Jess.
"That doesn't mean that their first response is going to be their last response like people might be taken aback. People might be surprised. They may be uncomfortable, that's okay."
Dr. Jess also says that a big reminder is that some people may think they know their status simply because they've been tested, so it's a good thing to keep in mind when sharing your own status.
This interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.
