I've crossed the Canada-US border more times than I can count — by plane, by car, and once during a road trip that took me from the Pacific Northwest all the way to North Carolina.
Every single time, there are a few things I notice immediately. And no, none of them have to do with portion sizes. Though — yeah, that too.
I mean the important stuff that hard-hitting journalism is made of: the exponentially higher price of maple syrup, an alarming lack of nationwide awareness surrounding Nickelback, and the fact that NONE of them know what we did on the beaches of Normandy.
So here they are — the things you'll notice as soon as you cross over into the U.S.A.
No one says "I'm sorry"
Instead, they say "you're good."
This one actually keeps me up at night, BTW. Because it quite frankly angers me. Particularly when someone bumps into me, I say sorry so they don't feel bad about it, and then they hit ME with a "you're good".
I'm good? B**ch, back up.
Every lawn has a flag on it
Personally, this one isn't for me. I think flags should be reserved for airports, hockey arenas, and school assemblies. Not because I'm not patriotic, or don't stand with the troops — don't you people dare come for me in the comments — but because it starts to feel like a some sort of contest.
Especially on residential streets. There's always one house that has the American flag, a homemade anti-war sign, their alma mater banner, a picket for their son's soccer track team fundraiser, and a folding table where their daughter is selling Girl Scout cookies.
Cool it, people. And also — thin mints for me.
It's mandatory for t-shirts to have slogans
The other day I saw a shirt that read: "Chicken pot pie — three of my favourite things". It was in shamrock green and let me tell you, I related hard.
That's the thing about America. The t-shirts are more than just outfits. They are printed personalities. Dinner preferences, political beliefs, Bible verses, Dad jokes, slogans that are actually trauma dumps — all in cotton blend, and all available.
They understand the importance of turning lanes
This is — no lie — one of my favourite things about America. They have respect for the turning lane.
The second you cross the border, the roads suddenly feel way bigger and way more prepared for human error — specifically mine (I'm on ICBC's Most Wanted list).
Canada — and specifically Vancouver — doesn't have enough dedicated turning lanes. No idea what that's about. I'm sure it somehow ties back to the bike lanes.
Yes, everything that's wrong with this country we can blame on the bike lane lobbyists.
But in America? They want you to turn left. Most intersections have an actual dedicated turning lane, which makes deadlock traffic a little less painful and a little more hopeful.
The Canadian dollar is fighting for it's life
Look, the CAD is BAD.
The worst thing about travelling to the States is realizing that maple syrup and good vibes are not a strong enough export to keep the CAD alive and well.
As of when I googled it six seconds — if I swiped my BMO debit for an iced latte that's $8.50 after tip in the U.S. (yes, that is what they are charging these days), my Canadian bank statement would read $11.70. Yikes...
They treat every holiday like the Super Bowl
And the Super Bowl is also a holiday, BTW.
I've lived in the US for 10 years — and before that, I lived in Canada for 19 — so I feel confident saying that Canadians do not celebrate the holidays the way Americans do.
It doesn't matter WHAT time of year it is, or what the holiday even is. The grocery stores always have decor in rotation. They've been geared up for the Fourth of July since Valentine's Day. I'm not kidding.
And on July 5th? They will be ready for Labour Day BBQ season.
If there is a parking lot, there is a Drive-Thru
God bless the U.S.A. for this one, honestly.
I'm a bad guy when it comes to drive-thru culture — by which I mean I'm addicted to it.
When I'm visiting my hometown of Vancouver — A.K.A disturbing my parents' vibe with my bad attitude as a 29-year-old-teenager — I'll drive from Kerrisdale to the Starbucks on Terminal Ave., just so I don't have to get out of my car to get my Almond Milk Americano Misto with Sugar Free Vanilla.
But in the US, I don't need to drive that far. Because if there is a parking lot, there is very likely a drive-thru. And not even just the regular fast food kind. There are drive-thru pizza parlours. Drive-thru pharmacies. You name it.
The snack shelves look different
The snack flavours in the U.S. are a whole different kind of animal. And it's actively having a heart attack.
I've seen potato chip drops that are electric blue and named things like "Late Night Cheeseburger with Beer and your Bros". It feels like the American Snack Factory inventors are on some Willy Wonka s**t.
But the king of the snacks is Trader Joe's. Everything is their own in-house branded treat, and I'm obsessed.
We still have our ketchup chips, though, and they can't take that from us.
No one knows anything about the Queen
This one threw me, O.K.? Because I feel like being a former colony is low-key still in our DNA as a country. And we don't even hate it.
My homegirl Queen Elizabeth has parks named after her, is on our $20, and we still spell in British English – adding "u"s where they don't belong, like we're at Hogwarts or something.
So, for these reasons, I assumed everyone had an intimate working knowledge of the monarchy. But nay. Not these guys. Andrew Jackson? They know his DOB against their will. Abraham Lincoln? They knew all about him BEFORE Daniel Day-Lewis.
Queen Elizabeth II? Just that she had beef with her grandson and his GF.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
