As a former local and born-and-raised Vancouverite who put in a solid shift of my 20's in Gastown — I feel qualified to say what's about to be said.
Sometimes it takes leaving a place to see it with clear eyes, and now that I have, I can't unsee it all.
Vancouver locals are in denial about a few things. And by a few, I mean at least 12.
Vancouver isn't a major city – it's actually more like a small town
I'm not trying to be the Hallmark chick who moves to the big city, has a high-powered job, and comes back to her hometown acting like a bigwig, BUT GUESS WHAT — there is a reason they film 100 Hallmarks a year in Van. And do you know what?
Logic tells us it's because Vancouver is small-town-passing.
It has a small-town mindset, too. People are stuck in their ways. Don't venture out from the same friend group they've had for 20 years. Don't dine out solo and talk to strangers at the bar. It's more like Kelowna than New York.
Everyone is judgey as hell, too. If you're from Vancouver, you know what I mean. Everyone is still acting like they're in high school and says things like "were they in the same grade as us" instead of "how old are they" (ok, guilty as charged though).
Vancouver isn't as pretty as you think it is...
Vancouverites are so aggressive when it comes to the alleged beauty of the city. They love to do the old "mountains, ocean, beaches" spiel.
And they're right — kind of. I mean, Kits Beach isn't exactly Malibu. But they're mostly wrong.
I'm gonna say this next statement with my whole damn chest: Vancouver is low-key ugly.
And here's why! The mountains are beautiful, but if there are 40 billion condos with hideous green glass blocking that view, who cares? The Main St. corridor isn't enough.
Sure, bulldoze every condominium in Vancouver, and now we're talking. But whatever city planners we had in the '08 crash ruined it all for us.
In my head, all of Vancouver was destined to be more like Seattle in the 90's. Lots of craftsmen's houses. Something woodsy and humble about the whole thing. Nothing over 3 stories. Grungey. Moody. And not a single Chanel purse in sight!
But no. Vancouver is overdeveloped, and the buildings are ugly. Full stop. Even the more modern ones are trying to be cool and "design forward" — just aren't.
The rain isn't that bad, you're just depressed
Also, it's more of a drizzle, too.
I may be biased because I actually f**k with the rain, and it's one of my favourite things about Vancouver — but for the haters, dial it back. It's not bad. It's actually beautiful.
"The rain" is such a blanket excuse for cancelling plans. Do you know what's happening in the rest of the country at the same time? Montreal is battening down the hatches for a blizzard. But guess what? They put on their Canada Goose, and they buckle up.
Nothing will stop these francophones from hitting the streets and having a good time. It's "rain or shine", not "shine or shine".
West Van is not that far
Again — biased. But also? I live in Los Angeles.
The other day, I was in traffic for 37 minutes just to get to the grocery store. For some perspective, it was a 15-minute walk. But also, it's LA, so we're gonna sit in our cars with A/C, pump emissions into the air, and listen to our podcasts about manifesting!
I used to date a dude who lived in West Van, right by Park Royal. At the time, I lived closer to UBC. So that drive was pretty much the farthest point of Vancouver. During non-traffic? I did that drive in 25 minutes. During traffic, I'd say the base average was around 45 mins.
Now, I also have seven open cases with ICBC, so I can't say I don't have an F1 streak in me. But still, we GOTTA get over this. It's FICTION.
Olympic Village is the WOAT
Olympic village is wack.
There, I said it. The JJ Bean is the farthest thing from artisanal. In fact, nowhere to get a good coffee. I'll give points to the Urban Fare for walkability, but other than that — again, soooo overdeveloped and expensive for the most character-less spot in Vancouver.
It's like... you cannot brag about the seawall. The seawall is everywhere. It wraps around all of Vancouver??
Main Street is basic
And it's also where local nepo-kids go to "find themselves". It's like their version of going to Thailand.
I actually do like Main Street, let me say. The street itself is cool. I love Bohemia Vintage! I just think the people who moved during the second wave of Main Street's gentrification, circa 2019, are not cool.
It's not really anyone's fault. We're just starved for choice, so anywhere not in Yaletown feels "off the beaten path".
I do actually FW Liberty coffee though. Great atmosphere in there. The bathroom is cute in there.
You cannot order sushi from just anywhere
First of all, raw salmon cannot just be ingested willy-nilly. Do a little Google, and you'll see. I don't wanna use the word "sushi worms" in this article, but. I just did, so... something to watch for.
I think, generally, with sushi, you get what you pay for.
Yes, we're close to water — but does anyone know what that even really means? My research shows the best sushi in the world is imported from Tokyo, which is why the best sushi in the world can also be found in New York or LA.
Vancouver has a mix of imported and local sushi. The high-end places ya'll rave about are often imported sushi. Still, we get a lot of our fish from the local Pacific Northwest Waters, but... do you know where else is near the Pacific Northwest waters? Bellingham.
And I don't see anyone ordering a $2 tuna roll from the Bellis Fair.
Clubs with tables are cringe
Not when I was 15. No, when I was 15, shelling out hundreds of dollars for a glorified crate on the perimeter of the dance floor and being served 45 shots of Grey Goose on a silver with an unmarked bottle of OJ was the pinnacle.
But as an adult person who has lived in the world, and could get equally drunk at a pub for $15, I can now see there is no bigger red flag than a person who spends his weekends being served by bottle girls with his bros. If he knows the bouncer, run, ladies,
I'm obviously taking shots at a certain type of local in a certain type of tax bracket here.
Going to Rugby 7s after 30 is a no
There's something that feels quite frankly sinister about a group of people born before the year 2000 — adults who were alive for 9/11 and The Bush Presidency — pulling from a handle at 8:30 a.m. in someone's kitchen within walking distance of BC Place. It's a condo. The floors are grey and engineered. The island is white marble. I can feel the sticky vodka cran on the countertop now.
The notion of them stumbling down Expo — a large group of adults (some even in costume!) — is discouraging.
The 7's are a young man's game. I have muted people on IG that I sadly can't unfollow for this exact reason.
The dating scene isn't as bad as ya'll complain about
This one is shockingly positive.
I'm not saying Vancouver men are the best — I'm just saying it could get a lot worse. I was like this too, where I dated in Vancouver and thought the grass was greener on the other side (Toronto). Then, unfortunately (through trial and error), I realized that was NOT THE CASE.
Calgary is no walk in the park either, O.K.?
Vancouver has a transience as well. Lots of tourists. Lots of filming. So people are coming in and out, which means a fresher water dating pool.
Also, everyone's generally pretty good-looking, I'd say.
Everyone will date everyone in the friend group — and none of you will end up together
Spoiler alert.
For the locals only: "the only cool people in Van are from Van" — FALSE
I may not be "local" anymore — but I'm a "born and raised" — so I have the absolute authority to speak on this, and I will.
I've never known a single person I grew up with who's friends with more than two people — if even that — who they didn't already know from high school.
Why? Because (and sorry if this is gonna hurt) every born-and-raised Vancouverite actively thinks anyone who didn't grow up in Van is lame. You need SERIOUS vetting to break into a born-and-raised friend group... however...
When I was living in Van, all I wanted to do was break out of the born-and-raised friend group. I just didn't know where to find ya'll. But whenever I'd randomly meet you, I knew you were cool. Because the hard truth: people from Van can be sooo pretentious.
Real talk, it's probably a class thing. As we all know, Vancouver is expensive as hell, which just means a lot of people who grow up there are quite frankly not struggling. That's fine. Rich people can be cool.
Low key mostly not, though, right? Not bad. Just kind of boring and not exactly fearless. Creatures of comfort, shall we say.
I think that's generally my gripe with Vancouver. It's uncomfortably comfortable.
Big cities like LA (where I live now) or even Toronto have people from all classes and walks of life — in the same room! It feels activated. Fearless people flock to these cities from all over the world to make their dreams come true. Whether they're delusional or not, there's a heartbeat.
A lot of people in Van are there because that's just where they're from.
It's not everyone, OK. But if you're feeling defensive, then bad news... It's probably you 🤙.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
