You're not a true Vancouverite unless you've lived at least 7 of these 12 experiences
People who move to Vancouver from other parts of Canada love to throw on a matching Lulu set, visit the Capilano Suspension Bridge, and take a sunset photo of Kits Beach captioned "can't believe this is my backyard." What do all of these things have in common? They indicate, in bright neon letters, that you are not (I'm sorry to say) a true Vancouverite.
Speaking as someone who was born and raised in Vancouver proper, if you've never been personally victimized by a dive-bombing crow, frequented Bimini's on Wednesday nights, or experienced a snow day after one single snowflake hit the ground, I regret to inform you: you're just visiting.
Let's be honest, to have truly earned your Vancouverite status, you must have survived at least 7 of these 12 painfully specific experiences...
You've gotten stuck in 1 cm of snow
The moment one snowflake hit the ground in Vancouver? Utter pandemonium. The city shuts down. Buses spin out. Everyone calls in sick. Schools authorize a snow day.
True Vancouverites are well versed in this performance — we act like we've been struck by a natural disaster when, in reality, there's just a light dusting on the ground.
Nevertheless, the fear mongering takes hold, everyone genuinely forgets how to drive, and you'll probably find yourself stuck on the side of the road in 1 cm of snow… in your Prius with summer tires.
You hate bike lanes
I know, I know. Vancouver is supposed to be a crunchy granola paradise of compression-short-clad cyclists saving the planet. But I'll let you in on a little secret: most true Vancouverites hate the bike lanes. It's a generational thing.
If you didn't grow up listening to your parents cuss out the bikers (while the bikers then cussed out your parents), I hate to break it to you, but you're just not one of us.
You know who Crazy Pete is
Yes, I'm referring to the middle aged hype-man-for-hire who runs around Rogers Arena and bangs a drum to rile up the crowd during Canucks games. Every true Vancouverite has permanently lost at least 0.05% of their hearing because of this man.
A crow has attacked you
This is one of my favourites. The year was 2016. The city was, for lack of a better word, under siege.
An interactive map called CrowTrax tracked hundreds of attacks on innocent civilians from dive-bombing crows. Headlines said things like "CrowTrax already has 300 entries from people getting divebombed by birds."
It hasn't been quite that bad since, but every year, the chaos returns.
If you've never been terrified to go outside during "nesting season", you're just not a true Vancouverite.
You've run into a Hinge date on Hamilton Street
We were in our early 20s. It was October. It was raining, of course. You thought you could (mistakenly) go to Pierre's Champagne Lounge (so help us all) without running into your ex-situationship from Hinge. You were wrong.
True Vancouverites know that this city's dating scene is basically one massive, weird, insular group chat, and everyone's met everyone at least once.
If you were wondering, the best course of action is to seek singles who recently moved to Vancouver but aren't actually from here.
You've never done any of the touristy things
Real Vancouverites have never taken a photo at the Gastown Steam Clock. Never been to Capilano Suspension Bridge. They maybe did the Grouse Grind a few times in your youth, hated the experience, then never went back. (We all know the Chief is the superior choice).
The only people visiting these quintessential touristy "attractions" are the ones who've moved here in the last year and are geotagging "Beautiful British Columbia" because people back home in Pickering will think it's cool. Sorry.
You think $1.8 million for a teardown is "a good deal"
Do you and your significant other go for Sunday walks, look at decrepit Kitsilano duplexes, and play the "guess the price" game?
Do you then look up the number and go, "Wow, $1.8 million for that slanted, silver fish-infested house is actually really reasonable." No? Then you're not a true Vancouverite.
You frequented Bimini's on Wednesday nights
It was a tough look. But as they say, if you know, you know.
A seagull has stolen your bagel on Granville Island
Every real Vancouverite has a story that starts with "I was just minding my own business at Granville Island…" and that ends with "this screaming seagull came out of nowhere."
You hike…never
Contrary to what the Instagram influencers would have you believe, true Vancouverites are not hiking every weekend.
In fact, they've maybe done a major hike once in their life (unless they went to PW and did the TREK program — that's another story for another day).
Realistically, we're probably grabbing a coffee and walking the quieter part of the seawall (West of Jericho) to avoid running into the aforementioned Hinge date. Who, if you're a true Vancouverite, you will also know from elementary school.
You silently judge people who say they're 'from Vancouver' but aren't
You'll often hear someone who grew up in Mission, Tsawwassen, or Coquitlam casually drop, "Yeah, I’m from Vancouver."
I get it. Nobody knows where any of those places actually are unless you grew up nearby, so it's easier to just say you're from Vancouver. However, every true Vancouverite knows that living in Coquitlam basically means living on an entirely different planet.
There's a very specific pride that comes with being from Vancouver proper. And while I'm already on a touchy subject (I say this with love): if you grew up in North Van or West Van… that doesn't count either. I'm so sorry. The truth hurts.
You're unappreciative of the scenery
Here's the thing, when you grow up in Vancouver, you don't realize that most other places in the world are flat, kind of ugly, and definitely don't have that fresh-tree-smell after the rain. You complain about the traffic, endless drizzle, and how this "city" feels more like a lame small town. But then you leave. And when you come back, it hits you.
As Joni Mitchell says, "You don't know what you got till it's gone." Becoming a true Vancouverite means leaving, but then returning with a sudden, almost embarrassing sense of awe for what you grew up around that you once ignored.
Fully realized Vancouverites recognize how lucky we are — we really do live in the most beautiful place on earth.
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
