I'm a born-and-raised Vancouverite, and I’ve also worked in Toronto and Montreal — so before anyone accuses me of hating Canada, relax.
I've earned the right to say this. And while Canada will always be home, after nearly a decade living in the U.S. there are a few very Canadian things I absolutely do not miss. I'm talking about the painfully early closing times, the passive-aggressive culture, the bleak dating scene, and Vancouver's spiritual commitment to athleisure.
So with apologies to my friends back home (and their parents, who told me they read these), here are seven things about Canada I don't miss.
Canadians are low key haters
I'm a bit biased because I live in the U.S., but I can't help but notice how passive-aggressive Canadians can be about Americans.
Canadians have a superiority complex and low-key think we're the best country in the world. Which is funny because that's usually the reputation Americans get. In my experience, though, it's been the opposite.
Whether I'm on the West Coast, the East Coast, or somewhere in Middle America, whenever I tell people I'm Canadian, I usually get an overwhelming amount of love. People get excited. They ask questions. They tell me about the one time they saw a whale or when their cousin went to Toronto on a business trip.
"I love Canadians" or "Canada is so beautiful, I've always wanted to go".
Meanwhile, Canadians are constantly knocking Americans like it's a national hobby.
And look, I get it. America has its issues. Obviously, but when you've lived on both sides of the border, the smugness starts to look a little silly.
Like, calm down, fam 👀. We also have problems. Like the fact that our former Prime Minister is dating Katy Perry, which I can't get over 👀.
The weather dictates everything
Canadians don't just experience the weather — we organize our entire personalities around it.
A sunny day will have people acting like prisoners who were suddenly granted yard time. The SECOND its above 18 degrees, everyone's checking the UV rays on their phone.
But guess what? That rarely happens for the majority of the year. And when it does, if you're somewhere like Montreal and have naturally curly hair? Good luck.
Everything closes so early
I know clubs stay open late because — duh. Being open late and serving alcohol is their whole thing. But everything else? Canada feels dead after 10 p.m.
Sometimes I wanna grab a late dinner, get a mean plate of pasta, and kick back an espresso with my tiramisu at 11 p.m. But apparently that's a deeply un-Canadian desire.
Note: MTL, this one excludes you. Toronto, you're not great. Vancouver, you're THE WORST for this.
The culinary scene isn't what it thinks it is
Oof, I know. This one stings. But except for sushi, I'm sorry, ya'll, we just don't have it like that.
The restaurants that are good are good, but I find there isn't a ton of variety. In Vancouver, especially, the "best" restaurants are often the same ones people were talking about 20 years ago. It can feel a little stagnant.
In L.A. or New York, you can stumble into some random strip mall or pass a food truck in a 7/11 parking lot and have one of the best meals of your life.
In Canada, I feel like you often have to know exactly where you're going. Research is key. And even then, the options can feel limited.
And look, I'm mostly comparing major cities here. But I've also road-tripped across America, and I won't lie: the South has some fire BBQ. A pulled pork sandwich in Memphis can absolutely put a plate of Montreal poutine to shame.
Sorry.
The dating scene is the hunger games
Dating in Canada is bleak. Full stop. And you know how you know that? I've never heard of someone saying they're moving to Canada to find love. If you see the Toronto skyline in a rom-com opening credit sequence, you know Telefilm paid for that sh*t.
Name me one rom-com that is set in Alberta. Sex and the City, but "the city" is Hamilton? Never gonna happen.
Detective murder mystery crimes, though? We do have those on lock.
The problem is that the dating pool in Canada is simply smaller. Our whole country is just a few million more than the population in California.
In Vancouver, especially, everyone knows everyone. Everyone's dated someone's ex, and you can run into a guy on the seawall and be like, "Oh ya, Jack from Hinge" – and you didn't even swipe right on him. You've just seen him there. For years. Jack is always on Hinge.
It's not that L.A. is some dating utopia. Obviously not, these people are wild. But there is something more cinematic about it all. It's objectively better to get ghosted by the person you met at The Chateau Marmont and then went to an after-party where Justin Bieber was randomly performing, than it is to be ghosted by the person you met for coffee in Olympic Village.
The obsession with being "chill"
Except for the Bloor Street f**kboys, there's a very specific Canadian tendency to act like caring too much about anything is embarrassing.
Career ambition? Cringe.
Dressing up? Too extra.
Everyone wants to seem effortlessly low-maintenance all the time, as if I don't clock their $120 "funny bunny" acrylics. More often than not, they're not that chill. They're actually just flaky, uninvested, and only fun after three happy hour drinks at Cactus Club.
But then? Oh ya, it's on.
The addiction to athleisure
I don't know who needs to hear this, but your "lulus" aren't quiet luxury. Also, stop calling them "lulus".
I get it. They're comfortable. They're practical. They're great for a Sunday morning coffee run where everyone looks like they're either going to Pilates.
But Canada —and Vancouver especially – has taken athleisure to a disturbing place. Your leggings and puffer vest suck. I don't care if they're Balenciaga. It doesn't count as an outfit.
I want to walk down the street and be inspired. I want colours in non-neutral palettes. I want to see b*tches in heels BEFORE 9 p.m..
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
