I moved away from Toronto five years ago and (despite my occasional pangs of nostalgia), I haven't once seriously considered moving back to the Canadian city.
Part of me misses the zillion wine bars to choose from, the thrifting, and even the claustrophobic downtown chaos that often made you fear for your life (but sometimes made you feel alive).
But the other part of me quickly steps in to remind me why I left. I recall the time my hair froze and quite literally snapped off in February of 2018. When I had to order and pay for Under Armour and then put it on under my regular clothes to simply walk to the grocery store. When I slipped on the slush in front of strangers while I was alone (a thing nobody ever truly recovers from).
So with that rational, less nostalgic voice in mind, here are the top reasons why my return to the 6ix is firmly off the table.
#1: The slush
This is actually my number-one reason. I love a good snowfall, especially around the holidays. It's whimsical, cozy, and, in the right lighting, makes even ugly things like trash cans seem sort of romantic. Snow is a thing Vancouver severely lacks (torrential grey sheet rain just doesn't scream "deck the halls" in the same way).
However, as soon as the clock strikes January 1st, and the snow has been plowed, salted, shovelled, stepped on, peed in, and puddled... Toronto welcomes in a truly nightmarish experience for the next several months: the slush. You'll slip on it, accidentally drench your boots in pools of it, and find yourself cursing under your breath while waddling around like a penguin for (at minimum) three months.
Do you like going on long, pleasant walks for fresh air and to clear your head? Forget about it for the entirety of winter.
#2: The streetcars
Strangely I have to admit, there's an odd charm to Toronto transit (in the same way, I imagine, you look back on your university years and are charmed by those all-nighters in the library). The reality was awful, but the memories, kind of cute?
However, what I don't love about the streetcars, even at the time, were the people on them (sorry, Toronto). Add constant service reroutes and disruptions, and what should be a 15-minute ride feels like being stuck in a stressful, jerky, slow-motion sardine can.
#3: The million new restaurants
A new natural wine bar here, a tiny pasta joint there.
I am the quintessential vulnerable target for every new adorably trendy food-oriented spot opening — a thing I genuinely loved about this city.
The problem? My bank account was not equipped for this kind of lifestyle. What I'm saying is that I can't move back to Toronto because I have no self-control.
#4: The 401
I've never been more anxious driving a vehicle in my entire life than I was when I had to pick up loved ones from Toronto Pearson Airport.
Express lanes, collector lanes, sudden exits on both sides, merging... Chaos is too calm a word for it.
For context, I've driven in LA, New York, and even the truly treacherous winding roads of Santorini. But the 401? Tops the charts for the worst.
#5: Sidewalk crowds
I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it. If you're the type of person who cares about oxygen or personal space, Toronto sidewalks are not for you.
Walking downtown sort of makes you feel like you're in a salmon run — wriggling upstream (but in this case, the salmon are mobs of finance bros with their heads in their phones wearing earbuds).
#6: Subway crowds
Speaking of claustrophobia, rush hour on the subway is a special kind of nightmare.
Packed in shoulder-to-shoulder (barely able to breathe), you pull up to Union Station, and then – defying all laws of physics — more people pack in.
Add to that the inevitable person who shows up either drenched in sweat or, somehow, completely forgot deodorant (there's always one), and it's game over.
#7: Summer smells
I'll give Toronto this: it's not the worst (looking at you, New York). But those humid summer months have a way of unleashing some truly alarming, soul-shattering odours.
A new one seemed to appear every week, making me briefly question why I had moved there in the first place. It's not Toronto's fault, summer smells are just one of those inevitable sacrifices of city life, but a sacrifice it is, nonetheless.
#8: Frozen hair
Anywhere that you can't step outside with slightly damp hair for fear of it freezing and quite literally snapping off feels like an aggressive environment to spend a long time in.
The thing is, there are many other places you can live that are less harsh on body and soul. It did take me losing a few inches on the left side of my hair to realize it, though.
#9: Everything costs money
Pretty much every single activity in Toronto costs money.
Shopping, brunching, dinner-ing, drinking, workout class-ing, coffee-ing, concert-ing, event-ing, theatre-going-ing. You get the picture. It's a city that always has something going on (which makes it so fun), but that comes with a price tag.
#10: The sushi
Toronto sushi isn't bad, but it's rarely great. And if it is fresh? Be prepared to overpay.
#11: Leggings under pants
It's not the winter that's necessarily the problem. It's the layers, layers, and more layers you must wear to survive said winter that really start to grate on you.
I wouldn't wish leggings under pants on my worst enemy. It makes you feel thick, suffocated, and immobile. As you attempt to move through your day, the layers of fabric start to pull and crinkle on each other. This is a torturous daily ritual.
So there you have it: the definitive, slightly bitter list of why I won't be planting roots in Toronto anytime soon. If you need me, I'll be smugly walking around Vancouver in only one pair of pants.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
Rending of the skating rink.
Rendering of the cabins.
