Locals have a God complex when we talk about Vancouver. Why? Because the school field trips here were ripe for the picking! We had to go everywhere. Science World. The Aquarium. Victoria. Grouse Grind — yes, they made us do that for a P.E. "field trip".
If I sound ungrateful for all the beauty Vancouver has to offer, it's because I am. I was an indoor kid. I wanted the substitute teacher with the TV. Let's get real — we all did.
Growing up here, though, means you know the difference between traps and attractions. You know that Cactus Club was cool in the 2010s. Lame after 2016. And it is now socially acceptable again because dining there is funny and ironic.
Well, maybe not all of us know that. But definitely me.
Which is why I'm writing this round-up of quintessentially Vancouver spots — restaurants, stores, events, institutions — that I've officially retired from.
Fair warning: #1 is going to feel like a personal attack for some.
Aritzia
Ah Aritzia. The Cactus Club of clothes.
Growing up, Aritzia was my arch nemesis, because you would spend $90 on a cute "going out top", only to show up at the party and see four other girls wearing the exact same thing.
God forbid they wore it better than you.
This happened to me once in Grade 10, and I swore: never again. And thus, my thrifting era began.
Here's the thing — I know the chokehold Aritzia has on this town. It raised us. It currently employs most of us. But unfortunately for me, I do not actually want to look like a Vancouver Girl™ starter pack.
The Superpuff. The signature crepe fabric. For the love of all things beige — I cannot abide.
Aritzia is a label you will not see in my closet. Or Babaton. Or TNA. Or Wilfred. Or Sunday Best. Or Denim Forum. Or — holy f**k — these guys are like the Gambino Family. They own everything!
Downtown Granville Street
If Vancouver were Las Vegas, downtown Granville would be our Vegas Strip. And not in a good way.
It feels sacrilegious to even say it, because this is the street that raised me. I used to hit Urban Outfitters after school and buy a Lady Gaga record, thinking I really got music. It housed my underage, drunk a** when no other bars would (Joe's Apartment, R.I.P). It taught me that eyeliner will run, the cops will come, but the night must go on.
Sadly, it's a far cry from the glory days of 2014.
Back then, greasing the bouncer to skip the line — and the rain — was a rite of passage. Now, it's a quick way to get me to end our friendship.
Shout out to LED. TwelveWest. Two Parrots — and my high school best friend Stefano. We came, we raved, we loved.
Lagree
I don't know when Lagree came for SoulCycle's title as "most expensive workout" in Yaletown, but it did. And now all I hear about is people going to Lagree.
I had a Lagree pass for a while. I foolishly bought the monthly membership for $400 because I did the girl math and if I went every day (I didn't), I'd save $300 (I definitely didn't).
Vancouver has this reputation for being an extremely fit city, but I don't even think that's true.
I think people go to Body Energy Club, and count their steps (that just isn't working out, sorry), and wear Lululemon at all hours. But I wouldn't say I know many people who are, like, actual gym rats?
It feels like, as a society in a city with an extremely high cost of living, we've all just gotten really addicted to these extremely expensive workout classes.
Here's my thing — I'd rather flip tires in a junkyard and work up a sweat for free, then spend $40 moving back and forth on an adult jungle gym. At least in the junkyard, I'll know they'll play my song.
Which is obviously the theme "Gonna Fly Now" from the Rocky franchise.
Banter Room
If you're seeing Banter Room on this list and don't understand how it made the cut, you're obviously not from Vancouver. Because if you were — you'd know that any day of the week after 9 p.m., Banter Room turns into a full-blown high school reunion.
And you know what? I did not peak in Grade 12. (Still waiting on that, actually).
I didn't wanna be in high school when I was in high school — and I certainly don't want to relive it when I'm pushing 30!
There's something about Yaleotwn that feels permanently frozen in 2014. Everyone knows someone. Someone is avoiding someone. Someone is pretending they don't see someone. It's too much.
And listen. If you absolutely must be sipping something strong in Yaletown, go to Rodney's Oyster Bar down the street. The servers there love to casually give you free wine.
A BC Lions Game
What do you mean you're not playing for the Super Bowl? What are you playing for? A 98% in Gym class??
Listen, I respect the hustle. As someone who recently started running for the first time yesterday, I do not think athletics are easy.
I am dead serious, by the way. I literally did start running yesterday, and I'm currently on a "walk jog" program. I'm getting winded after 30 seconds of light jogging, and then walking it off for five minutes, OK? I'm not trying to be a Monday Morning Quarterback here.
But, after the tickets, the parking, and the beers... with the state of the CAD?
I'm sorry, boys, not in this economy.
Prospect Point
When it comes to lookouts, there's only one thing that really matters: if I have to get out of my car to "look"? Then it sucks.
I'm not here to be an outdoorsman. I'm not hiking for views. These days, I'm not even walking to my neighbourhood sushi spot. I'm Postmates-ing that sh*t. I want to sit in my vehicle and enjoy nature. Is that too much to ask for?
Prospect Point has a bad parking lot with an obstructed view. To see the ocean, you've gotta get out of your car and walk down a path, and then there are all these couples around secretly trying to have a moment, and it's just — no.
Where you need to go instead: The parking lot between Beach Ave and Jervis St. I'm not gonna say more than that.
Bard on the Beach
Someone asked me to go to this once — when I wasn't in high school, being forced on a field trip — and I broke up with him immediately.
Here's the thing. I like Shakespeare just as much as the next guy (not at all/performatively), but I don't need to watch it in the park for $30. Especially not sober. Which, by the way, is not how William would have wanted it.
He would have wanted us tossed. No children allowed. The Globe Theatre was vile. Debaucherous. Dinner and a show. It was basically like a Miami Nightclub — except in the 1600s, when they had no plumbing, so.. yeah.
Japadog
This one's for the tourists. Don't do it. Or if you are going to do it, once is enough.
I haven't had a Japadog since The Twilight Saga: Twilight was released in theatres. And while I am the last person who ever wants to drag a local business — because I truly want to see everyone soar — I just know in my heart, I will never be convinced to enjoy a Japadog ever again.
I don't need seaweed on my hot dog. It's not even that it's too crazy for me. It's just like — if I want a street dog, I'll have one. And if I want sushi, I'll have some.
And before anyone starts typing — if it's a tourist attraction and it's not listed here? It's implied.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
Courtesy of SHEIN Canada
Courtesy of SHEIN Canada 
Courtesy of SHEIN Canada
The Great Outdoors Comedy Festival