7 things Americans will never understand about Canadians — no matter how hard they try

Knowing the most random Indie Canadian Artists against our will

And I'm not talking about Avril Lavigne. I'm talking about Elise Estrada, Fefe Dobson, and Serena Ryder.

There are certain Canadian anthems I know, not because I chose them but because CanCon (aka Canadian radio) chose them for me.

Thanks to Nira Arora and Kid Carson, I still have "Satisfaction Guaranteed" somewhere deep in my brain where literally any other memory should be.

Americans had Disney Channel stars. We had MuchMusic radio contests, and extremely specific pop girls we were legally required to stan.

Claiming every Canadian celeb — extremely loudly

What do Celine Dion, Neil Young, Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, and Sandra Oh have in common?

They all trigger an immediate sense of national pride in Canadians.

Yes, the two Ryans are Canadian. And yes, if you bring up Barbie to a Canadian, you will hear about it. Or Deadpool, which — BTW — did you know was filmed in Vancouver? (If you've ever said the words "Dead" "pool" to a Canadian before, you know).

Canadians have a disturbing obsession with treating even minorly successful celebrities like Nathan Fielder (bless) like hometown heroes.

Have you ever been like, "Yeah, I love Beyoncé," only for an American to immediately go, "You know she's American, right?"

No. Because that would be really desperate behaviour!

We say "sorry" when you bump into us

As a certified klutz, I'm bumping into people a lot. Sometimes in grocery stores. Almost never on purpose.

I know I'm in Canada when I bump into someone, and they apologize to me first. Even though we both know it was my fault. And for whatever reason, that's exactly how it should be. In America, people usually hit you with a casual, no-eye-contact, "you're good".

Which is kind of confusing because either:

a) you actually bumped into me first, and I was just being polite...

or

b) you think I need your approval like that — as if you're pardoning me like you're the Queen of England.

Small talk is our preferred communication style

If Canadians were one state in America, that state would be Minnesota. For two reasons: one, because we obviously have wild accents, and two, because we'll talk about the weather with strangers — and like it.

Nothing gets us going like commenting on the fact that it's raining outside for the 100th day in a row. Wow. Rain in Vancouver? Groundbreaking.

And yet? Everytime. We act like we couldn't understand how this happened. As if we haven't built our entire personality around being a weather-proof nation.

"Wow, it's really pouring out there," we'll say before asking if your baby is teething yet.

Doing the currency exchange conversion

If you're a Canadian with a passport, you KNOW that the second you fly, drive, or walk over that border? Your net worth just got cut in half.

It never ceases to amaze me how blissfully unaware Americans are of how bad our dollar is, which is actually rather polite of them.

But me? Know that the $8 iced latte I just bought is actually gonna show up as $11 on my BMO statement. Not including tip.

You know what they say: everyone's bad at math until it comes to money.

The sense of ownership we feel over Drake

Canada's second-largest export is crude petroleum. The first is Drake.

When the Kendrick vs. Lamar beef was going down, I was in L.A. — and because half my personality in my US friend group is being Canadia, they FLOCKED to me for my hot takes. People tried to diss Drake to me (and even though I actually don't FW Drake at all) I felt the need to defend him.

It's like when the school bully sees someone else bullying the kid he bullies. One second, I'm dragging Drake for his sweatpant company OVO, and the next thing you know, I'm scream-crying at the bar that Drake could have written King Kunta (he couldn't), but Kendrick could never have written Find Your Love (he wouldn't).

Going to the hospital when we're sick

Kidding!

But also 👀.