I say the rosary and wish I were wearing a push-up bra instead of the XXL Fruit of the Loom sweatsuit I'm sporting. He pulls me over and takes my ID. Goes "Columbia, hey?". I tell him the "British" is not in fact silent. He softens. Canadians. He loves us.
Before I can say anything, the cop hands me the single greatest explanation for speeding: "Kilometres, hey?"
"Yes..." I say, not even quite clocking what he's getting at.
"Makes sense. That'd be about 50, right?"
"Yes..." I say. He hands me back my ID and tells me to make sure to think in miles next time. Then he just leaves. No ticket. No nothing. And while his rationale makes no sense — because I have California plates and my odometer is in miles — I give a wink up at Mother Mary, go 30mph until he's out of sight, and gun it back to 80. Because I never learn.
Why am I telling you this story? Because it's funny. But also because Canadians are fascinating creatures to our American neighbours. I am a storyteller by trade, so my American besties have heard all about my life growing up in the Great White North.
Here is my short list of the things they can't get over.
We say "Grade 12" not "12th Grade"
I have one friend in particular who actually cannot get over this. And nor does he want to. He really gets a kick out of it, and whenever I meet his friends, he really goes out of his way to remind everyone I am a "foreigner".
This is my same friend who told me I have to watch "Heated Rivalry" (I didn't) and it was going to revolutionize the sport of hockey (it might).
Also, at least at my school, the whole "freshman, junior, senior" rigamarole was not a thing. I don't even know what grade Sophomore is. 13th??
They think I never learned how to spell
"Colour", "Neighbour", "favourite", etc. It never goes over well.
For a while, I defended us by saying that we write in the Queen's English. That meant nothing. They write in Tom Cruise's English. And at this point, he may have more street cred than the royal family.
I try to code-switch my texting when I can. I have too much pride to go down with the ship.
We needed an Abercrombie & Fitch plug
This one may give us a Gen-Z generational reference gap. But then again, the other day I saw a 19-year-old wearing Ugg boots and striped high-kneed socks — so it's all coming back.
Peak A&F was the 90s to the mid-2000s. Everyone wanted it. None of us could get it. Not online. Not in our country. Not when we needed it.
The highlight of 5th grade was when one of my friend's moms drove us across the border to Bellingham, W.A. — the nearest A&F drop-off point — so we could go to the A&F store at the mall.
I had $45 USD and got one shirt. We took photos with the shirtless guys who stood out front — which retrospectively?? It's giving: let's check the A&F CEO's flight logs??
Toronto got the first A&F in 2006 — Vancouver didn't get it until 2015??
Maybe by 2055, Yellowknife will score a location of its own. The shirtless tween boys in -30°C will be a nice juxtaposition.
We had a Hollister, but it wasn't the same. I actually got a job there in high school. But I didn't even make it to my first shift when I realized I was relegated to the stockroom, working alongside the kids with acne. I was not about to claim that.
The cool girls just sort of hung around the store, modelling the clothes. Meanwhile, the Accutane poster children and I are dressed in all black like stagehands, not to be seen or heard. Scampering in the shadows, folding and re-folding the t-shirts that got rifled through.
Stop flipping through all the shirts. There is not a single shirt in that stack that is an M or L. They are not sold out. They just don't exist. It's XXS or bust, babe.
We never got Sidekicks — damn you T-Mobile!
This one is super niche, but before iPhones, there was a phone beloved by all celebrities, aka The Jonas Brothers, called the Sidekick.
If you ever watched Zoey 101, you know what I'm talking about. It was all the rage. You could not get them here. Even if you bought one in the US, the carrier did not transfer over.
Very sad.
We can get drunk at 19 — 18 if you're in Quebec!
This one is obviously incredible. Sorry Mormons.
If you were like me and were the proud owner of 12 fake IDs in high school, this one affected you less, but still. Once the legal drinking age hit, you could bar hop with all your friends. And that is powerful.
We may have crossed the border for A&F, but they crossed the border for beer. Only one of those two things is timeless.
About-gate
This one is super obvious, so I'm just getting it out of the way. Americans love this one. I couldn't tell you why. The conversation, without fail, goes like this:
"Where are you from?"
"I'm actually Canadian."
"Oh, Vancouver?" (Sorry, Toronto. We're prettier and more popular).
"Yeah!"
"Do you say a-boot?"
What?
Why?
I couldn't tell you what's going on there.
I'd like to set the record straight and say I personally do not say a-boot. However! I also do not say the American twang of "ah-bout".
I am somewhere in between.
I absolutely have the Canadian accent, though. I was at a bar, and I heard a guy behind me — and without doubt, that man sounded like home. He was Canadian. I was right. We started talking, and my voice dropped three octaves. Turns out we all sound like hockey bros. Even the ladies.
We didn't have Homecoming
I don't think as a nation we care about football. I feel confident saying our chosen contact sport for men, running around with a ball and dog piling each other, is rugby, which is hotter.
I feel like homecoming is a football-specific event? I mean, that's just an uneducated guess; I don't know if it is.
You know why I don't know that? Because I'm Canadian. And we didn't have homecoming.
We had "Grad", but they told me that it was not the same thing as homecoming. I said it's like Prom? But they didn't want to give me that either.
We grew up with "monopoly money'
There is nothing worse than rifling blind through my coin purse for parking change — thinking I have found one American quarter, only to realize I have one useless loonie.
Loonies and Toonies suck. How much movement can we make in Congress with a Change.org petition?
I'm not saying I go to the strip clubs... but like... I've been. As a society, we can't be chucking loonies and bruising people's bare legs. But then again — you're telling me I gotta give a $5-er? In this economy?
A real Sophie's choice.
I had a friend visit, and when I opened my wallet, he said, "It's giving skittles."
I told him he could f**k right off 'cause our $100's smell like maple syrup.
He said, "Prove it".
I said, "I can't in this economy, babe".
Some of us are still saying "Zed," guys
I don't.
That's wild.
But a lot of you do, and it must have been taught to you that way when you were growing up.
It's not a letter. It's a word. Ending our alphabet with a word? No.
Knock it off.
Our lockdown drills were for earthquakes
I'm not gonna elaborate on this one. It's vaguely political. And I'm not going down for this.
Free trips to the hospital!
This one is the crowning jewel. This one, they go willlldd for.
Which, yeah. I get. Me too.
Break your arm as a kid? All fixed up, free of charge.
In the years I've lived in the U.S. for whatever reason, I've never had to visit the doctor once. I have no idea why. I have historically been an extremely unhealthy binge drinking chain smoker with an affinity for a double-double. My idea of healthy is getting that burger protein-style (no bun, lettuce wrap instead).
This year, I did my first ER visit. I waited eight hours. Was told to take a Sitz bath. Then got an $800 bill in the mail. I'm actually so serious, and if I sound chill about let me assure you — I'm not.
I learned the hard way that it's cheaper for me to fly home and see a doctor. So yeah, they love it!
I used to tell them dental wasn't included — but they always got a tad crestfallen when I did. So I stopped doing that. When the subject of dental comes up, I lie through my little invisaligned pearly whites.
Ok, not pearly whites. They're like dull ivory.
Should we get a Change.org going for free dental?
Thanks for taking a trip to my notes app.
I'd also like to say, for posterity's sake: even though the media keeps pushing that Americans hate us — I can only speak for myself — but I have gotten nothing but love when I claim my home and native land.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
A Canadian living in France.Brittany Barber | Narcity