Toronto Expert Answers Your Burning Questions About Dating, Relationships & Sex
If you're wondering how to date during the pandemic, spark passion in your relationship, or simply want some good advice about your love life, look no further.
We reached out to you, our readers, on Instagram and asked for your unfiltered questions about love.
Keeping your names anonymous, we sent the most popular requests to Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, who used her expertise to answer them.
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How do I get the spark back in my relationship?
First thing's first: Dr. Jess wants you to know that a lost spark is completely normal, especially during the pandemic.
"Passion is often rooted in novelty, risk, the unknown, and unpredictability. Unfortunately, the pandemic has quashed most opportunities to create these types of experiences," she says.
“When you first fall in love, the brain [is] awash in passion chemicals and you have big shifts in dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin."
To reignite your lost spark, "consider what you can do to break routine, create more opportunities for discovery and inject feelings of risk into your relationship," she says.
This could be something as simple as new conversation topics.
"Simply shifting your conversation away from the dark triad of mundanity: work, schedule, family. Instead, have conversations that allow you to dig deeper into your feelings, fears, and philosophies."
In the bedroom, you could introduce a new toy to change things up, like one that you can control from afar.
"You have to invest in your relationship and change things up to keep things exciting. It won’t happen spontaneously on its own," she says.
How do I communicate better with my partner?
"If you want something from your partner, model that behaviour first," says Dr. Jess, "For example, if you want them to open up and be honest, do the same."
"Let them know why you want them to open up without making a demand or assigning judgment."
Dr. Jess has a three-step communication model to help you master this skill.
- Start with a positive affirmation.
- Make an inquiry and give them the floor.
- Make your request and clarify why it’s important to you.
"Some people are effusive in expressing how they feel and others are not." The way your partner expresses love may not be exactly how you would.
Dr. Jess also notes that your partner is not responsible for fulfilling your every need.
"This is the myth of toxic monogamy. [...] This expectation will inevitably set you up for letdown. There is no universal formula for what makes a relationship fulfilling."
How can I be more successful with online dating?
If you're done with Tinder pick-up lines, don't fret. Online dating can be more fun if you get creative, says Dr. Jess.
"Attend a digital event together (a play, concert, DJ set, or trivia) night and feel free to invite friends along so that if you chat after the event, you’ll have a chance to interact as a group."
However, "many people feel more self-conscious and video dates can also be intimidating, as all of the regular distractions are removed," explains Dr. Jess, and that's okay too.
As for your opening line on Tinder, Dr. Jess says it's best to "just be honest."
"Let them know that you’ve taken a moment to look beyond their photos. You can reference something from their profile [...] or ask them a question about something they’ve taken the time to list or share."