13 Olympic events Canadians would win every time... if they actually existed
The athletes would apologize for winning though, naturally. 🇨🇦
Canadians would almost definitely win these 13 Olympic events... if they actually existed.
The 2026 Winter Olympics are officially underway in Milano-Cortina, and Team Canada is back on the world stage, ready to compete for medals across alpine slopes and ice rinks in Northern Italy.
Over the next two weeks, Canadian athletes will be battling it out in disciplines ranging from figure skating and speed skating to alpine skiing, snowboarding, and, of course, ice hockey. Canada's winter sports roster is stacked with returning champions and fresh faces eager to make their mark.
If the 2024 Paris Olympics were any indication — where Canada brought home an impressive medal haul — expectations are high for this winter's team. Canadian athletes have consistently proven themselves as winter sports powerhouses, whether it's dominating on the ice or flying down mountain courses.
But while our Olympians excel at the sports currently on the official program, there are plenty of uniquely Canadian skills that deserve their own events.
If the following competitions actually existed, Canada would absolutely sweep the podium...
Apologizing
If apologizing was an Olympic event, Canada would take home the gold medal every single time. Team Canada's athletes would apologize to the second and third place finishers for beating them, of course.
Bear dodging
Canadians have been doing their best to steer clear of bears for generations. If dodging them was an Olympic sport, Canada would almost certainly make the podium. Russia and the United States could be fierce competition here, though.
Temperature test
Sweltering summer heat? Bone-chilling winter cold? Canadians can handle both extremes.
Watching athletes stand there and tolerate different temperatures might be a bit boring, but then again, so is Olympic golf.
Pothole avoiding
This would be a spring driving event where athletes must navigate an obstacle course of craters, cracks, and road damage without destroying their suspension. Competitors are judged on reflexes, last-second swerving ability, and the strategic decision of whether to hit the pothole or risk an oncoming car.
Canadians, especially Montrealers, spend months each year perfecting this skill the moment the snow melts.
Milk bag cutting
Canada would have a head start with this event, given that many people outside the country don't even know what milk bags are. Canadians in Ontario and parts of Eastern Canada have been slicing them open since the '60s and '70s, so they must be pretty good at it by now.
Door holding
After winning gold for apologizing, Canada would take the top spot for this politeness-based event too. Athletes would compete to see who can hold a door open for an approaching person the longest. Canadian competitors would stand there indefinitely.
Snowbank parking
A precision sport where drivers must parallel park in increasingly tight spots created by massive snowbanks. Points deducted for hitting the snow pile, getting stuck, or abandoning the spot entirely. Canadians in Ottawa and Montreal would be strong medal contenders.
Snow pants racing
The 100-metre sprint, but make it winter. Athletes would compete in full snow pants, struggling through the awkward swish-swish of nylon against nylon. Competitors from warmer climates wouldn't stand a chance.
Poutine speed-eating (cold weather division)
Athletes must consume a full poutine while standing outside in subzero temperatures, racing against both the clock and the cheese curds solidifying. Extra difficulty points if the gravy freezes mid-bite. Canadians have the home advantage here, having mastered the art of winter poutine consumption.
Cottage dock jumping
Competitors would be judged on their ability to cannon-ball off a dock into freezing lake water while clutching a beer and yelling with reckless enthusiasm. Style points for the perfect "WOOOOO!"
Weather small talk endurance
Athletes would compete to see who can sustain the longest conversation about the weather while saying absolutely nothing of substance. "Cold enough for ya?" "At least it's a dry cold." "Can you believe this weather?" Team Canada would sweep the podium.
Snow shovel choreography
Competitors perform artistic routines while clearing a driveway. Scored on technique, creativity, and the dramatic toss at the end of each shovel-full.
Maple syrup canoeing
It's niche, sure. Although Canada already has Olympic canoeing teams, they'd really come into their own if the water was replaced with, well, maple syrup. Canadians just know what to do with maple syrup — it's practically instinctual.
Until the International Olympic Committee adds these events to the official roster, Canadians will just have to keep dominating them unofficially — one apology and pothole swerve at a time.
*This article has been updated since it was originally published in June, 2021.